Tag Archives: romance novel

Breaking Dawn, or, suspend even MORE of your disbelief!

It’s been a while, readers, I know. I avoided this book for a long time, but then I realized what an utter DISSERVICE I’ve been doing you by not telling you how this drivel ends!

Are ya strapped in? Because this shit is, as the kids say, wack.

The first part is told in Bella’s point of view, as before. She is a whiny git, like always. She’s getting married to Edward, and she doesn’t want the fuss and she doesn’t want a fancy armored car (even though, as you recall, she’s accident-prone. Edward isn’t taking any chances of her untimely death). Her parents don’t seem to throw too much of a fight at her wedding extremely young, even though Bella’s dad said that her mom would probably be pissed. Jacob shows up last-minute at the reception and dances with her in the backyard, and then he gets upset, because he knows what’s coming. And then Jacob takes off into the woods before he can throat-punch Edward . . . with his werewolf mouth.

Anyway, once they’re married, Bella was intent on Edward turning her into a vampire right away, even though he was hesitant. But then, they have sex, and she is an addict. Here’s my first flag – he’s dead, right? He is a vampire, therefore has no blood. How does he get an erection? NOT POSSIBLE. She wakes up the next morning with bruises all over her body. I think you’d have internal bleeding, too. Or at least frostbite!

Edward is concerned that he has hurt her and refuses to do her again, but she eventually wears him down. And then she’s suddenly ravenous all the time, and then exhausted enough to sleep for twelve hours at a clip . . . oh, and keeps having all these weird dreams with a demon child and dead bodies everywhere. Then she starts puking.

It’s only been five days, but she’s pregnant. Second red flag . . . he’s DEAD, right? How does he still have semen? The “workaround” from Meyer is that no one knows for sure because usually male vampires are with female vampires and since their bodies are frozen in time, they wouldn’t be able to accommodate a fetus, therefore, it’s an anomaly. Whatever. That seems TOO easy.

They pack and leave their idyllic isle hideaway to return to Forks. Edward and Carlisle want her to get rid of it, but Bella is having none of it. Even though she never really wanted kids in the first place, she ain’t abortin’ this demon baby. She calls Rosalie and begs for help.

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Sweet Blessings by Jillian Hart – Chapter One

As promised, I come bearing a preview of a horrid romance novel. From Steeple Hill Books’ Love Inspired line, I bring you Sweet Blessings by Jillian Hart.

Chapter One. So, a man walks into a diner . . . seriously. Our protagonist checks him out as he stands “like a shadow” by the door. Is he a g-g-ghost? Now, that would be different! It is established that he is a stranger and looks exhausted, like one who has been on the road too long. Amy hopes that he will be a “quick in-and-out.” Oh, really? What sort of establishment are you running here?

Amy hopes this lone wolf will leave soon, as she has a young’un at home. She studies the man, as she leads him to a seat, then as she takes his order. He is exhausted – have we mentioned that already? We have? Well, he IS, okay? He also makes “less noise than a shadow.” Again, is he a ghost?

The stranger orders coffee and a burger, with bacon, “if it’s not too much trouble.” I suppose this is to establish that he is polite, despite his pain?

Any watches him in the reflection, his haunted look. Too much occultness! What would Phil Phillips say?

The haunting has affected Amy, too. “The regrets and despair of the past yanked within her, like a summer trout caught on a fishing hook.” Hey, bub, looks like we caught a live one! And it’s a ghost fish! Continue reading

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Interlude – The Romance Novel

I have some new books lined up, but they’re at distant libraries and haven’t yet come in to my local branch. While we’re waiting, how about some romance novel mockery?

Let me tell you, I just love the sexist drivel that is the romance novel. And perhaps you might think these are easy targets because of that. Yet, the poor writing and recycled plots still have a unique . . . awfulness to them that is hard to ignore.

The books I have currently are free excerpts I received some time ago. Back in 2005, I was grocery shopping when I heard two words that always make me freeze in my tracks: “free samples.” Hoping that some food was to be had, I sauntered by the table, where a girl shoved a stack of papers in my hand. My first reaction was, “Oh, shit, are these Bible tracts?”

No, they were worse. Or better. Depends upon one’s point of view, I guess. It was a whole bunch of stuff, but for our purposes here, the newsletter and two mini-books from Harlequin/Silhouette were the only things of importance. When I realized what I had been given, I nearly tossed them aside, but even then, I had hopes of doing something with them (the faint glimmers of this blog were sparkling even then)!

So, in a throwback to the past, and to whet your appetite for the actual samples of books (two whole chapters apiece!), I leave you with my ripping of the newsletter from the CEO of Harlequin Enterprises. Stay tuned for more!
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