Tag Archives: relationships

Comic-al Sexism (All Love, Volume 26)

 

When last we visited the year 1949 in our comic book time machine, we found a creepy incestuous relationship in All Romances. No matter what these are titled, they all have many of the same elements, as we can see from this one volume of All Love, which was another series published by Ace Comics in the same time period.

So much packed into approximately 37 pages! Such as:

Clueless gents who have no idea how to communicate, and the broads who don’t bother to question them . . .

Fickle bitches who have no sympathy for social anxiety and go out with other dudes for revenge, and the doormat boys who forgive them when they smile sweetly . . .

Even the magazine’s own advice column contradicts itself. In its monthly installment of “Chats on Charm,” they state that not having anything to say in social situations is just fine. But apparently, it can make you a bad date:

all love 26-5

Is it any wonder that, in 2017, people are still confused how to behave?

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The House at Review Corner: Magic Bullets – Or, How to Become a Skeezy Pick-up Artist without actually using the term

As many of my stories tend to begin, I was browsing the internet one night . . . and came across an online set of discussion boards called The Attraction Forums. The top post on there was from a guy opining his issues with women, but it took me a minute to figure this out, as he was using all of these odd word choices, such as “opening,” “closing,” “transitioning.” It sounded like a corporate merger rather than an attempt to get off with a chick. As I continued to scroll, I encountered a lot more of this type of coded language, as well as acronyms I certainly had never seen before.

Enter the world of men’s self-help.

Of course, they will never, EVER call it that, because then it brings it to a woman’s level, and we can’t have that. No, call it a “system,” call it a “model,” but don’t EVER call it self-help. And be sure to include all of this ridiculous acronyms and code-words, so all the dudebros can feel like they’re in this secret frat.

There are so many of these – Love Systems, Mystery Method, Bad Boy Something-or-Other, The Game – but they all have one thing in common: they promise that, if you use their system, and retrain your brain to think in their ways, you will be swimming in tail. Even if you’re not all that hot! (I’ve looked at some of these “gurus” and “masters” online. Some of them are not that hot, but supposedly, they can get any lady they want).

My curiosity was piqued, so I managed to track down a copy of the book. What are guys telling guys about how to pick up women? They claim that they can’t ask women, because, damn it to hell, we don’t know WHAT we want!! Because of course, we’re all the same, and have teensy brains that get exhausted easily.

I honestly was surprised to find a section on “relationships” in this book. Of course, that could also be taken to mean “friends with benefits,” but in the main, this book has one endgame: sex. As a matter of fact, they encourage men to bone the ladies BEFORE pursuing any type of relationship with them.
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It came from the 1960s! (Life Cycle Library, Part Seven)

Chapter 22 – How Do You Know When It’s Love? I can’t tell you, but it lasts forever. There will come a point, EveryTeen, where you will want to know the answer to this question. You’ve experienced “love” before, but it’s very different when it’s the real thing.

One’s ability to love goes through developmental stages, just as your body does, both physically as well as mentally. No one becomes feet taller overnight, unless you have one of those rapid-growth diseases. Everyone else proceeds at their own pace, and as you grow into your body, so, too, will you “grow into” love.

There are many different types of love. Love of your self (no, not like THAT, you perverts; okay, maybe a little bit), love for your parents, and love for your friends. Someday, you will move beyond these and know the mature love shared by a man and a woman (as no other options are available), and prepare yourself for marriage. As that is the only way to espouse mature love, apparently.

As an infant, you were completely concerned with yourself, you selfish twit. You were absorbed in discovering your fingers and toes and giggling. You peen held a certain fascination that would resurface years later (or perhaps never quite went away). Your family was very focused on taking care of you. This is self-love. You might know some people that are still this way – chronic masturbators. Continue reading

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It came from the 1960s! (Life Cycle Library, Part Six)

Chapter 21 – Parents Watch the Clock. For the clock spider?

As has been said over and over, EveryTeen, you’re growing up and taking on responsibilities; you might even be starting to earn your own money – as a pimp, perhaps. Your parents see these changes in you, and recognize the fact that you are no longer a child. However, they still want to protect you from injury, both physical and emotional. They want to steer you away from dumb decisions that could spoil your future, or cause you to drop out. Which would spoil your future. Which is redundant.

So, what sorts of things are your parents concerned about? It’s a big, bad world out there, and the further you venture out from home base, EveryTeen, the more influence others have on you. Your parents worry about automobile safety, whether it’s you or someone else behind the wheel. Many teens get involved in accidents, whether or not there is alcohol involved. (According to this book, in 1968, 4.4 million persons under 20 years of age were involved in accidents. Think of it; this is long before texting and even CD players)! So, they will definitely warn you against participation in Lifestyles of the Drunk and Reckless. Continue reading

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It came from the 1960s! (Life Cycle Library, Part Five)

Chapter 20 – Necking, Petting, and Sexual Feelings. In other words, the chapter EveryTeen automatically skipped to, I’m sure.

What is happening to my body? What are these “wonderful thrills and chills?” Why, those are from your genitals – they’re alive!

Boys, you will begin to sprout hair in places where none grew before. And your feelings towards girls will do a 180° turn. Just thinking about ’em is gonna make ya hard, so focus on coursework in class, lest your fantasies cause you to do a walk of shame to the blackboard.

Now, girls, you get different and exciting changes, too. Instead of growing up, you will grow out. Welcome to the Boob Brigade – get thee to Macy’s for a bra-fitting (ask for Winifred; her hands were dunked in a vat of liver-spots, it’s true, but she’s very gentle and accurate with her tape measure). As if breasts weren’t bad enough, you also get to bleed. That’s right, BLEED, for several days a month, every month, for the next forty or so years! Disturbing? Why, yes!

We’ve discussed the social aspects of dating in previous chapters. The emotional aspects have a tendency to creep up on you, EveryTeen – that “sweet, soft glow.” Is this love? That you’re feeling? Is this THE love that you’ve been searching for? Probably not (so you’re dreaming), as one doesn’t fall in adult-style love at your age; those feelings take time to develop (and some people never make it there). Continue reading

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It came from the 1960s! (Life Cycle Library, Part Four)

Chapter 19 – Dating for Boys. Just like there isn’t one for girls, there is no “right” age for boys to begin dating. Some start at age 13, usually about the time they begin jackin’ it. Others don’t begin to show an interest in girls until later; these are called nerds.

At some point, a boy suddenly sees a girl from class and thinks that he would like to walk her home (to his house, for sex). So, how does a boy go about asking for a date?

It’s normal to be nervous, BoyTeen; it might take some time to be courageous enough to ask a girl out. Most will think of so many reasons not to take initiative. She probably won’t say yes, or she is interested in someone else. And perhaps these things are true, young man; perhaps you are dull, boring, or a pervert. However, you cannot win if you do not play. So do eet, ask her, you fool!

Now, boys, asking a girl out face-to-face might be too nerve-wracking, and you might prefer the telephone. No matter which way you choose, be sure to give the girl a week’s notice. “Girls don’t like being called at 7:30 to do something at 8:00 that evening,” not because spontaneity is a bad thing, but because it takes those bitches forever to pick outfits to wear and do their hair.

Good job, she said yes! So, where are you gonna go, boy? Continue reading

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It came from the 1960s! (Life Cycle Library, Part Three)

Chapter 18 – Dating for Girls. There is no “right” age to begin the dating game, EveryGirlTeen. Some girls mature socially earlier than others, just like others mature physically before others (and by this, just so we’re clear, they mean “boobs).”

Some girls begin dating in grade school. And some may not start dating “until the sophomore year” and sometimes even later, but we don’t like to talk about them. *cough* spinster equivalent *cough*

A good timeline to follow is: group dates, which lead to double dates, which lead to a single couple going out on their own. “Double” your fun with a double-date, which is usually suggested by the boy, because he’s attempting to increase his chances that one of you are “easy.” If you are double-dating, the four of you need to discuss the plans to avoid misunderstandings, such as where you are meeting, what time, and whether clothing is optional. After enough of these group and double-dates, you’ll be comfortable enough to go out with one boy by himself. You’ll have acquired enough social skills, as well as perfected your best fellatio techniques.

What makes a great date? By which is meant, what makes you “dateable?” Really attractive girls are going to be asked out more, it’s true, but boys look at other things, too. (You mean, post high-school, right)? Enthusiasm is more important than looks. Act like a girl, not a tomboy. Be friendly but not “pushy.” (But, where is the line drawn)? Have a good sense of humor, especially when things are not going as planned. And be neat in your appearance! So, take your glasses off and squint, four-eyes. And smooth down your mohawk before you go out. Continue reading

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