Lifebuoy soap – good for both men and women, you say? Yes, but let’s look at how sexist this advert is. Ladies, if you don’t use Lifebuoy, you have B.O. and no man will want you. However, no woman says “Ew” about the tough beard stubble of the men in the bottom panels. Even though they SHOULD, because it’s rough and scratchy! Turn the tables, women; just say NO to five o’clock shadow.
—From Life magazine, February 15, 1937
Chapter 22 – How Do You Know When It’s Love? I can’t tell you, but it lasts forever. There will come a point, EveryTeen, where you will want to know the answer to this question. You’ve experienced “love” before, but it’s very different when it’s the real thing.
One’s ability to love goes through developmental stages, just as your body does, both physically as well as mentally. No one becomes feet taller overnight, unless you have one of those rapid-growth diseases. Everyone else proceeds at their own pace, and as you grow into your body, so, too, will you “grow into” love.
There are many different types of love. Love of your self (no, not like THAT, you perverts; okay, maybe a little bit), love for your parents, and love for your friends. Someday, you will move beyond these and know the mature love shared by a man and a woman (as no other options are available), and prepare yourself for marriage. As that is the only way to espouse mature love, apparently.
As an infant, you were completely concerned with yourself, you selfish twit. You were absorbed in discovering your fingers and toes and giggling. You peen held a certain fascination that would resurface years later (or perhaps never quite went away). Your family was very focused on taking care of you. This is self-love. You might know some people that are still this way – chronic masturbators. Continue reading
Chapter 21 – Parents Watch the Clock. For the clock spider?
As has been said over and over, EveryTeen, you’re growing up and taking on responsibilities; you might even be starting to earn your own money – as a pimp, perhaps. Your parents see these changes in you, and recognize the fact that you are no longer a child. However, they still want to protect you from injury, both physical and emotional. They want to steer you away from dumb decisions that could spoil your future, or cause you to drop out. Which would spoil your future. Which is redundant.
So, what sorts of things are your parents concerned about? It’s a big, bad world out there, and the further you venture out from home base, EveryTeen, the more influence others have on you. Your parents worry about automobile safety, whether it’s you or someone else behind the wheel. Many teens get involved in accidents, whether or not there is alcohol involved. (According to this book, in 1968, 4.4 million persons under 20 years of age were involved in accidents. Think of it; this is long before texting and even CD players)! So, they will definitely warn you against participation in Lifestyles of the Drunk and Reckless. Continue reading
Chapter 20 – Necking, Petting, and Sexual Feelings. In other words, the chapter EveryTeen automatically skipped to, I’m sure.
What is happening to my body? What are these “wonderful thrills and chills?” Why, those are from your genitals – they’re alive!
Boys, you will begin to sprout hair in places where none grew before. And your feelings towards girls will do a 180° turn. Just thinking about ’em is gonna make ya hard, so focus on coursework in class, lest your fantasies cause you to do a walk of shame to the blackboard.
Now, girls, you get different and exciting changes, too. Instead of growing up, you will grow out. Welcome to the Boob Brigade – get thee to Macy’s for a bra-fitting (ask for Winifred; her hands were dunked in a vat of liver-spots, it’s true, but she’s very gentle and accurate with her tape measure). As if breasts weren’t bad enough, you also get to bleed. That’s right, BLEED, for several days a month, every month, for the next forty or so years! Disturbing? Why, yes!
We’ve discussed the social aspects of dating in previous chapters. The emotional aspects have a tendency to creep up on you, EveryTeen – that “sweet, soft glow.” Is this love? That you’re feeling? Is this THE love that you’ve been searching for? Probably not (so you’re dreaming), as one doesn’t fall in adult-style love at your age; those feelings take time to develop (and some people never make it there). Continue reading
Chapter 19 – Dating for Boys. Just like there isn’t one for girls, there is no “right” age for boys to begin dating. Some start at age 13, usually about the time they begin jackin’ it. Others don’t begin to show an interest in girls until later; these are called nerds.
At some point, a boy suddenly sees a girl from class and thinks that he would like to walk her home (to his house, for sex). So, how does a boy go about asking for a date?
It’s normal to be nervous, BoyTeen; it might take some time to be courageous enough to ask a girl out. Most will think of so many reasons not to take initiative. She probably won’t say yes, or she is interested in someone else. And perhaps these things are true, young man; perhaps you are dull, boring, or a pervert. However, you cannot win if you do not play. So do eet, ask her, you fool!
Now, boys, asking a girl out face-to-face might be too nerve-wracking, and you might prefer the telephone. No matter which way you choose, be sure to give the girl a week’s notice. “Girls don’t like being called at 7:30 to do something at 8:00 that evening,” not because spontaneity is a bad thing, but because it takes those bitches forever to pick outfits to wear and do their hair.
Good job, she said yes! So, where are you gonna go, boy? Continue reading
Chapter 18 – Dating for Girls. There is no “right” age to begin the dating game, EveryGirlTeen. Some girls mature socially earlier than others, just like others mature physically before others (and by this, just so we’re clear, they mean “boobs).”
Some girls begin dating in grade school. And some may not start dating “until the sophomore year” and sometimes even later, but we don’t like to talk about them. *cough* spinster equivalent *cough*
A good timeline to follow is: group dates, which lead to double dates, which lead to a single couple going out on their own. “Double” your fun with a double-date, which is usually suggested by the boy, because he’s attempting to increase his chances that one of you are “easy.” If you are double-dating, the four of you need to discuss the plans to avoid misunderstandings, such as where you are meeting, what time, and whether clothing is optional. After enough of these group and double-dates, you’ll be comfortable enough to go out with one boy by himself. You’ll have acquired enough social skills, as well as perfected your best fellatio techniques.
What makes a great date? By which is meant, what makes you “dateable?” Really attractive girls are going to be asked out more, it’s true, but boys look at other things, too. (You mean, post high-school, right)? Enthusiasm is more important than looks. Act like a girl, not a tomboy. Be friendly but not “pushy.” (But, where is the line drawn)? Have a good sense of humor, especially when things are not going as planned. And be neat in your appearance! So, take your glasses off and squint, four-eyes. And smooth down your mohawk before you go out. Continue reading
Chapter 17 – How to Keep a Conversation Going. Conversation is an “adventure,” a “passport” to making new friends. I think they’re overdoing it a little bit, don’t you? The ability to converse with all types of people can be learned. They liken it to a recipe; just like making a cake, there are several ingredients. “Three of the most important are simple courtesy, honesty, and oddly enough, listening.” What about the eggs?
Courtesy is letting everyone have her say, and express her ideas. It’s only fair, as they just might be right! This facet of conversation is especially important when dealing with your parents, EveryTeen. Hear them out; don’t be disagreeable or fight back. They are absolutely right in barring you from dating that black boy down the hill. I don’t care how nice you say he is, no daughter of MINE . . .
Learn to listen. Know what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. And be honest, lest the “conversational cake” fall flat. (They are way too invested with this food metaphor). The best way to make friends, of course, is to be too honest. Be forthright about your institutionalized brother, even if there is no rhyme or reason to bringing it up in the course of conversation. And, if you cause the person you’re talking to to back away, well, you didn’t want to be friends with them anyway, amIright?
It’s simple to “bake a conversation cake” (ugh, enough.is.ENOUGH.with the fucking cake), but occasionally we have instances where we become tongue-tied, “when it seems that only possible thing to do is to stare out the window or up at the sky.” Are those my only options? Continue reading