Category Archives: comics

Comic-al Sexism (All Love, Volume 26)

 

When last we visited the year 1949 in our comic book time machine, we found a creepy incestuous relationship in All Romances. No matter what these are titled, they all have many of the same elements, as we can see from this one volume of All Love, which was another series published by Ace Comics in the same time period.

So much packed into approximately 37 pages! Such as:

Clueless gents who have no idea how to communicate, and the broads who don’t bother to question them . . .

Fickle bitches who have no sympathy for social anxiety and go out with other dudes for revenge, and the doormat boys who forgive them when they smile sweetly . . .

Even the magazine’s own advice column contradicts itself. In its monthly installment of “Chats on Charm,” they state that not having anything to say in social situations is just fine. But apparently, it can make you a bad date:

all love 26-5

Is it any wonder that, in 2017, people are still confused how to behave?

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Creepy, creepy Comix (All Romances, Volume 2)

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since we last visited with each other, dear reader. Especially since I found the following gem RIGHT AFTER reading Garden of Shadows.

“He Suspected the Worst,” from Volume 2 of All Romances. The year is 1949, and this is the second story in the magazine.

We open with a girl standing on a broken bridge, rescued by a handsome youth with an unfortunate-looking jacket. Once on safer ground, the girl introduces herself in an odd way:

All Romances    Ace  archiver USA #2 (1949) - Page 11

Not, “Hi, I’m your step-sister, Leslie?” Not that it matters, as our young man is suddenly obnoxious, calling Leslie’s mother a gold-digger, but not exactly in those terms.  “Uncle Jim,” as Leslie calls him, is determined for the two young people to be friends.

Ross is being a bit intimate with his second cousin, Mavis, when he discovers Leslie kind of spying on them. Then this happens:

All Romances    Ace  archiver USA #2 (1949) - Page 12

“I also forgot that Ross was my STEP-BROTHER.”

Ross decides to leave and head for New York, because he knows where he’s not wanted; he’s going to go with Mavis and Friends to the West Indies, because that’s where winners and not-gold-diggers go! (And this time, he actually does say “gold-digger.”)

Leslie is sad that Ross is going away, because feelings, I guess. And then “Uncle” Jim makes up his will, but her mother and Leslie are not privy to his decisions.

Jim kicks the bucket soon enough, and Ross is all “I’m’a kick you outta this house because I’m the king now” or some shit, but in reality, Jim left everything but $10k to his wifey. Ross also has to stay at the house for the next two years if he wants the dough to which he is entitled. This doesn’t sound like a lot, but according to the inflation calculator (love that thing, especially when looking at old prices in magazines), it’s equivalent to ~$100k today. Cha-ching! Of course, Ross doesn’t believe that his step-family were ignorant of the changes to the will, so he is pouty and goes to his rooms.

He starts insulting Leslie about the gardening, and then Mavis shows up again. Mavis essentially invites herself to the house, and then is insolent and lazy, not to mention a bitch. Ross piles on about the girls duping his father out of his money, and maybe even murdering him. After the spat, Ross leaves and then Mavis goes out for a walk. Down by the water, where the suspension bridge is out!

Mavis is in trouble and Ross dives right in to save her, which nearly kills the both of them. Until Leslie and her canoe save the day.

So, is Mavis grateful when she comes to? Of course not! She tries to spin another story, this time about Leslie trying to kill her. Ross has finally had enough of it, but before he can say anything else, Leslie faints from all of the exertion.

All Romances    Ace  archiver USA #2 (1949) - Page 17

Which is the 1940s version of:

And now, for the squicky conclusion!

All Romances    Ace  archiver USA #2 (1949) - Page 18

What in the . . . WHAT??

Ladies, if the man you love is a close relation, SHUT IT DOWN.

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Tarnished Engagement, or Let’s have some more doormats (All Romance, Volume 1) with Bonus Advert!

Meet Nina and Dick. They’re in college and Dick’s in a band. Dick likes ugly suits.

AR pg 25

They end up working at the same hotel for the summer, Dick with his band and Nina as a waitress. Waitressing leaves Nina ragged and very little time for her man, as they work different hours.

After a time, Nina is resolved to see him at night, even if she has to stay up late. She catches him with one of the rich guests, and he’s upset to be caught. Unintentional pun coming up in three . . . two . . . one . . . (Hint: see yellow box).

AR pg 26

Marcia sneers at the fact that Nina is a waitress, blah blah, class wars. Dick claims he’s just being nice because Marcia offered to get his band more gigs, and then he can make more money! Honest!

Marcia begins to berate Nina the very next day, and Nina, surprisingly, tells her off. Wow!

AR pg 27

Marcia has asymmetrical boobage going on here.

Dick gets mad. See Dick fume. Spout, Dick, spout. Nina says they’re done. Say goodbye, Dick!

And then, here comes her man – Marcia’s, that is!

Nina, since she’s such a good doormat person, she goes to warn Dick that Mr. Loring is on his way. Personally, I would have let him had his balls handed to him, but that’s me.

Everyone lies, the Lorings leave, and Dick tells Nina he’s been a fool. And of course, she forgives him, because this is All Romance, not All Breakups.

AR pg 28

Yes, Dick, it doesn’t matter that you fell for a wealthy young socialite bitch because she offered you some money. I know it’s me you REALLY love!!

See below for a bonus advert:

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“Sister Without Scruples,” or, you two-timing whore! (All Romance, Volume 1)

Sister without scruples, eh? Sounds kink-ay!

A girl named Fran is our narrator for this one. She met Jeff Gilbert at a charity function three weeks ago, and he’s already told her that he loves her. Whirlwind romance, indeed! These all seem to have that theme – that’s probably why things get so easily screwed up. Anyway:

All Romances 001        JVJ tilliban #8 (1949) - Page 10

Oh, Jeff, I just love your patronizing tone. Especially from an orphan. And what if you don’t like her family; is that her fault?

Of course, Fran is more worried that Jeff will like them a little TOO much, especially her stepsister, Rita. Rita takes all of Fran’s men away from her, woe. She realizes that she can’t stall Jeff any longer, so she invites him to Sunday dinner.

At home, Fran confronts Rita and warns her to keep her mitts off this one.

AR pg 11

“If a man isn’t willing to go, no other girl can get him away.” I didn’t post the panel from the previous one, but the girl with the cut-up face says the EXACT SAME THING before the train crashes and she flies into the mirror. Yes, no other girl. If said girl keeps putting herself in that man’s way, however, with the intent of making his impossibly tiny waist-high head turn towards her, it’s also her fault. I love how Rita’s mom makes her out to be a hero to womankind of a sort. Yes, Rita, show these men for the scoundrels they are, with your raven tresses and teeny waist!

In the next panel, Fran tells us that Rita lied to the last two guys, telling them that Fran was a “two-timer” and other things, when she was only working late. Of course, her stepmother defends her real daughter, and her father just wants to read his damned paper, damn it.

AR pg 12

A shallow comment, please indulge me. You know that your bitch stepsister is going to try to grab your man away from you. You know she has that seductive look about her and wears her hair down, how scandalous! So, you dress like a frump, in a shirtwaist with frilly pockets? Yeeeah, she is looking pretty smoking by comparison. And bearing her shoulders.

Basically, all Rita does is purr at him, and he’s a goner. It actually took him a week, which means that his periscope must not be up to snuff – perhaps a visit to the doctor is in order. May I suggest Dr. Howe?

Frannie, what are you going to do now? Enter Mr. Creeper at the office, and boom, she has an idea!

AR pg 13

Fran has a secret, conniving bitch side to her, too, even though she pretends that she doesn’t.

Of course, Rita gloms onto Lee immediately, leading to all sorts of shenanigans. She breaks it off with Jeff, leaving Fran free to take up with him again.

AR pg 15

And suddenly, it all makes sense to both menfolk, and everyone leaves the table with Rita sobbing for her little old self.

Jeff asks for Fran’s forgiveness, as he finally sees the light!

AR pg 16

He doesn’t expect it (but he really secretly does, because she’s a doormat), and she definitely does (because again, she is a doormat). So, what is the lesson here? Jeff really, truly loves Fran, except for the time that he was into her two-timing ho of a stepsis. But, but, it wasn’t his fault! Rita and her feminine wiles, and her . . . .shoulders, and that vixen hair!! Blast her!

I’d say “product of the times” and have done with it, but I can’t, because if these sorts of comics were produced today, it would be the SAME thing, except that Rita would stalk Jeff via Facebook and then send him titillating text messages.

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“I couldn’t go back to him;” or, ahoy, shallow men and ladies! (All Romance, Vol 1)

Gentle readers, there is a veritable treasure trove on the Internet of which you may or may not be aware. It’s called Comic Book Plus, a wealth of Golden and Silver Age comics, as well as other public domain ephemera, all free to read and download. I found this website a long time ago, when I discovered those few issues of Calling All Girls, but for some reason, never went back.

Even though there are some fabulous prizes, such as All Romance, which was published by Ace Comics in 1949-1950! Exciting romance stories for the young teenage girl, that are totally shallow and show women (and men) to bad advantage!

Here is the first story in Volume 1, called “I Couldn’t Go Back to Him.” No, no, I just couldn’t!

Faye tells us her story – she went to visit a school friend and met the dashing Michael, and, after a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged, and Michael bought them a little house.

AR pg 3

Before she leaves, she talks to her friend, Gloria, and discovers that Gloria and Michael used to date. But Michael swears he only has eyes for Faye now, because she is so beautiful. You’re a trophy, Faye! Michael can’t wait to mount you on the wall.

Of course, tragedy must strike, or there isn’t a story. On the train, there is a terrible crash, and Faye is flung into a mirror which cuts her face, making her a candidate for plastic surgery.

AR pg 4

In fact, the news report said that she was dead, and that’s fine – she cannot be loved anymore . . . *sob*

The doctor takes pity on her and offers her a job with him as his receptionist, and a place to live with him and his sister. Faye keeps herself busy, but Molly, the doctor’s sister, think it’s not “normal” for Faye to stay in and not date. Don’t think about turning lesbian, Faye; Molly has her eye on you.

Finally, the doctor forces her to look at herself in the mirror – frankly, I think she looks better now than pre-surgery, but whatever. She realizes she COULD go back to Michael, and this cause the doctor to sigh and turn away. Faye knows that the doctor is in love with her, but who cares about that?

AR pg 6

But, alas, it’s not to be. She is surprised that Michael doesn’t recognize her – duh, you had plastic surgery! – but, also, Gloria is there with him now! She tells Michael that she is not, in fact, dead, and he kisses her . . . but she feels nothing. NOTHING! Gasp!

This upsets Gloria, of course, as they were to be married the very next day, and here comes that hussy Faye again to ruin everything! But she doesn’t want it, even though she thought about the house the whole time she was away.

“When I marry, Michael, it will be a man I marry, not a house!” I sure hope so, lady, as there are laws about that sort of thing.

She realizes that the only person in the world who truly loves her is the good doctor, who saw her at her worst and still cared. She runs back to him, but ruh roh, his sister Molly is PISSED. And rightly so, because this bitch can’t seem to make up her mind.

Thankfully, the doctor comes back in right then, and they share a passionate embrace.

AR pg 9

I dunno, Doctor, I would watch out for her. She seems kind of fickle, JUST LIKE MICHAEL.

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