The House at Review Corner: Magic Bullets – Or, How to Become a Skeezy Pick-up Artist without actually using the term

As many of my stories tend to begin, I was browsing the internet one night . . . and came across an online set of discussion boards called The Attraction Forums. The top post on there was from a guy opining his issues with women, but it took me a minute to figure this out, as he was using all of these odd word choices, such as “opening,” “closing,” “transitioning.” It sounded like a corporate merger rather than an attempt to get off with a chick. As I continued to scroll, I encountered a lot more of this type of coded language, as well as acronyms I certainly had never seen before.

Enter the world of men’s self-help.

Of course, they will never, EVER call it that, because then it brings it to a woman’s level, and we can’t have that. No, call it a “system,” call it a “model,” but don’t EVER call it self-help. And be sure to include all of this ridiculous acronyms and code-words, so all the dudebros can feel like they’re in this secret frat.

There are so many of these – Love Systems, Mystery Method, Bad Boy Something-or-Other, The Game – but they all have one thing in common: they promise that, if you use their system, and retrain your brain to think in their ways, you will be swimming in tail. Even if you’re not all that hot! (I’ve looked at some of these “gurus” and “masters” online. Some of them are not that hot, but supposedly, they can get any lady they want).

My curiosity was piqued, so I managed to track down a copy of the book. What are guys telling guys about how to pick up women? They claim that they can’t ask women, because, damn it to hell, we don’t know WHAT we want!! Because of course, we’re all the same, and have teensy brains that get exhausted easily.

I honestly was surprised to find a section on “relationships” in this book. Of course, that could also be taken to mean “friends with benefits,” but in the main, this book has one endgame: sex. As a matter of fact, they encourage men to bone the ladies BEFORE pursuing any type of relationship with them.

There were a few instances that I agreed with. For example, there is a section on grooming – don’t be a slob, find clothes that flatter you, et cetera. However, the author encourages guys to wear contacts or get Lasik surgery, as most guys don’t look good in glasses. See, this is where you lose me. I LOVE dudes in glasses. [Apparently, so do other people – there is even a TUMBLR that is called guyswithglasses. Eat a dick, Nick Savoy]. I agree that some guys don’t look good in glasses . . . but it’s because they’ve chosen the wrong frames – either the shape or color. Women do this, too, which is why I always go with someone else to get a second opinion on my glasses. They’re a part of you just like everything else you wear!

Sorry, nerd rant over. And now I lost my focus because I just spent ten minutes flicking through that tumblr page. Ahem.

A final note on grooming: in the book, the author gives an example of “Masters,” one of their instructors in this idiocy. He was a “former computer geek.” See his before and after:
before and after douches

Hint: the right-side image is supposed to be the improved Masters. However, in my opinion, he looks like a tool. And honestly, I could leave this review right here and be done. But you came for more content than that, right?

At the beginning of the book, Savoy stresses that they “don’t want women manipulated into having sex.” And through a model of behavior I’ll explain in a minute, they claim that women will not feel this way.

This model is called “avoid/blur/distract.” The basic gist is that the guy does not allow the woman to engage her brain logically to think about having sex with you, because then she might start to doubt herself, and then you’re going home with a raging case of blue balls that hasn’t been seen since high school:

For example, when you take her home, talk non-stop. Don’t talk fast or appear nervous, but don’t let a moment of silence come in. Keep her mind occupied with your words. Your monologue will distract her from the fact that she is coming home with you.

Because that’s totally not sinister, right? Especially when this is followed up later by the author alluding to the fact that women will tend to wait to engage in intercourse with a man whilst she assesses if he is really who he professes to be (or to use the term he uses, congruence). This could take up to three dates or more. But he tells his readers not to worry, because “we have a system for compressing or bypassing this process.” Pardon me while I shudder; this is CREEPY. If you’re not going to give a woman time to decide about you, that’s seriously concerning behavior. However, “Love Systems” knows all about female psychology, even though there is nary a vagina in the bunch; so basically, they are using what many females would ordinarily do (need time to think about things and process their emotions about you, the potential penis) as a WEAPON AGAINST THEM.

Later, the author will claim that it is not about “hypnotizing or befuddling her,” but you are spiriting her away before she think to raise objections, so even if the sex is consensual, she might still feel guilty about it later once she is able to engage her feelings when alone. And this makes you a dick. Seriously, if a chick is into you, what is wrong with waiting? Newsflash: your penis will not fall off if you don’t stick it into a vagina to “preserve” it every so often.

However, before you get to potential sexin’, you first have to “approach,” or “open.” Most of the scenarios they provide throughout the book are at bars or clubs, so I guess I should be thankful that I am too old for those places, in order to avoid assholes like this. (They do give you examples for “Day Game,” that is, routines and such you could hypothetically use at a park, or a bookstore, or coffee shop, but this is a very brief chapter). Here’s an example of an “opinion opener,” where dude goes up to a group of girls he has never met and gets their attention by attempting to engage in conversation:

My friend’s girlfriend is planning to have breast enlargement surgery as her birthday present to him. He doesn’t know about this and I don’t think he’ll be happy. Should I say something to her? Or to him?

First of all, if an utter stranger came up to my friends and me somewhere and tried that to engage in conversation, I would give him the side-eye. Are you taking a survey? I don’t care how “smooth” you are, this is a weird thing to ask women you don’t know. The example goes on to say that you give the women a short bit of time to respond, then you cut them off – yes, interrupt them, before the conversation will sputter out – and use a transitional phrase, such as:

I wonder if it’s even my place to say something because I used to hook up with her sometimes – she’s really beautiful but not my type, so I introduced her to my friend. I’ve tried to stay out of their relationship, but I don’t want either of them to be unhappy.

Okay, so even if, hypothetically, my group got over our collective shock over asking a rather untoward question and responded, and the dude followed-up with the above, I would be wondering if he was seeking a psychologist, not a date. Then I would check my fake watch and be on my way.

A Day Game example is at a coffeeshop, where you ask a woman to watch your laptop whilst you go to the loo. Then when you’re done, pick up your conversation as if you’d already been chatting.

Sounds cute, but, see the Doctor above. I’m not watching anyone’s belongings when I do not know them. I don’t even leave my purse with a man until he’s my boyfriend for a certain period of time. No trust? Damned skippy. That is how the world is now. You don’t have to like it (and I don’t), but you do have to respect it.

Finally, Phone Game. No, not something you fire up on your mobile whilst you’re waiting for friends, but being successful in telephone interactions with your chosen woman. I’ll just give you some “pointers” from this section.
-If you want to refresh her attraction to you, you can demonstrate that you are a challenge by, for example, telling her you’ll call her back in an hour and not doing so.
-If you’re getting nowhere, try calling at midnight. You may wake her up, so make sure you can be immediately entertaining from the second she answers. (Start with a high-energy, funny, short routine. Don’t even introduce yourself). [This would be the best way that a guy would NEVER get a date from me. Unless you are dying, you do NOT fucking call me at midnight. I am sleeping. And if it’s a weeknight, you are especially toast. I have work the next day. Don’t you, douchebag?]
-Finally, there’s the Greatest Text Message Ever(TM). Send her the text: “I just met your twin.” This may not only jar her into responding, but may prompt her to compete for your affection with a response like “Is she prettier than me?” or “I’m cooler.” [Nope. My response would be:
]

There is so much more bullshit I could get into here, but I think I’ve given a sufficient primer into how squicky this whole thing is. There are testimonials from guys who were AFCs (Average Frustrated Chumps – see? There’s a whole glossary on the damned forums) before this “system” changed their lives. It’s just like an infomercial, except instead of juicing, they’re talking about getting women. Women should read this to know just who they need to avoid.

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2 Comments

Filed under advice/self-help, dating/relationships

2 responses to “The House at Review Corner: Magic Bullets – Or, How to Become a Skeezy Pick-up Artist without actually using the term

  1. tediousandbrief

    Maybe 7 or 8 years ago I had a (female) friend who suggested one of these books to me. She actually either mailed or emailed me in pdf one of their books because it clearly would have been helpful. I actually read it and was so horrified by it that I had to ask if she was being serious (she was).

    I had one former friend actually suggest The Game and another book to me. She later claimed that she was kidding and thought it would be funny.

    • Nicole

      Good to have a male perspective on this that agrees with me! I cannot believe how many “dudebros” are on that forum and singing the praises of all these shudder-inducing manuals.

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