Breaking Dawn, or, suspend even MORE of your disbelief!

It’s been a while, readers, I know. I avoided this book for a long time, but then I realized what an utter DISSERVICE I’ve been doing you by not telling you how this drivel ends!

Are ya strapped in? Because this shit is, as the kids say, wack.

The first part is told in Bella’s point of view, as before. She is a whiny git, like always. She’s getting married to Edward, and she doesn’t want the fuss and she doesn’t want a fancy armored car (even though, as you recall, she’s accident-prone. Edward isn’t taking any chances of her untimely death). Her parents don’t seem to throw too much of a fight at her wedding extremely young, even though Bella’s dad said that her mom would probably be pissed. Jacob shows up last-minute at the reception and dances with her in the backyard, and then he gets upset, because he knows what’s coming. And then Jacob takes off into the woods before he can throat-punch Edward . . . with his werewolf mouth.

Anyway, once they’re married, Bella was intent on Edward turning her into a vampire right away, even though he was hesitant. But then, they have sex, and she is an addict. Here’s my first flag – he’s dead, right? He is a vampire, therefore has no blood. How does he get an erection? NOT POSSIBLE. She wakes up the next morning with bruises all over her body. I think you’d have internal bleeding, too. Or at least frostbite!

Edward is concerned that he has hurt her and refuses to do her again, but she eventually wears him down. And then she’s suddenly ravenous all the time, and then exhausted enough to sleep for twelve hours at a clip . . . oh, and keeps having all these weird dreams with a demon child and dead bodies everywhere. Then she starts puking.

It’s only been five days, but she’s pregnant. Second red flag . . . he’s DEAD, right? How does he still have semen? The “workaround” from Meyer is that no one knows for sure because usually male vampires are with female vampires and since their bodies are frozen in time, they wouldn’t be able to accommodate a fetus, therefore, it’s an anomaly. Whatever. That seems TOO easy.

They pack and leave their idyllic isle hideaway to return to Forks. Edward and Carlisle want her to get rid of it, but Bella is having none of it. Even though she never really wanted kids in the first place, she ain’t abortin’ this demon baby. She calls Rosalie and begs for help.

Part Two is told from Jacob’s point of view. He is angry because he’s never going to see Bella again, he thinks, assuming that her dream came true – that of being forever young and bloodthirsty. He finds out from the wolf-pack that Bella is back in Forks and dangerously ill. This leads to him desiring a show-down with Edward, and the pack talks him out of it.

Jacob will not be deterred, damn it; he needs to know the TRUTH. So, he visits the Cullens and finds out more truth than he would ever want to know. The demon spawn in Bella’s body is sucking the literal life out of her, and is bruising her from the inside out. Classeh. Also classeh – Edward tries to get Jacob to let them take the baby (and destroy it), and will agree to Jacob sexin’ Bella if she really wants a baby that badly. What?? When the pack finds this out, they decide they must move on the vampires and destroy the evil, even though they have to “sacrifice” Bella.

Jacob decides to strike out on his own, then, as he knows that this is not right (and also, because his love for the obnoxious Bella overshadows everything else). Two of the others from the pack, Seth and his mother, Leah, form their own pack with Jacob, even though Jacob does not want to be an Alpha.

Jacob is also the one who unintentionally gives the vamps the idea that the fetus might be thirsty, so they start giving Bella cups of blood to drink. And it makes her better. And thirstier. And . . . third flag – this is a chick who could not stand the smell of blood in the earlier books. She is still human at this point – did Stephanie Meyer forget certain plot points from her earlier books while pounding the keys on this one?

Then the devil-spawn begins kicking around inside Bella so hard it starts breaking her ribs. This pains all of the men in her life, watching it destroy her. Edward is wanting to destroy it, too . . . until he can start reading its thoughts and realizes that it loves Bella already; Edward tries to tell it to calm down and not hurt Mommy, and that works for a bit, until she bends down to pick up her vampire-style crunk cup, and the placenta detaches and the fetus starts suffocating. So DevilSpawn thrashes around so hard that it breaks Bella’s spine.

Edward rips a hole in Bella’s abdomen (WITH HIS TEETH) to give the baby an exit, and it’s a girl, who Bella names Reneesme, a ham-fisted attempt to name her child after her mother and mother-in-law. Anyway, she wants to hold BabyVamp, but Reneesme bites her mommy, because she loves her so much – she wants blood, not milk, silly! Edward has her taken away, as Bella starts dying. Edward fills her full of his venom (from his teeth, this time) and makes her a vampire. Meanwhile, Jacob goes downstairs, intent on hurtling the baby through the window, until she turns and looks at him. And she looks like Bella, and there goes Jacob, the warwulf who said he would never imprint.

Part Three is Bella again. She describes the agony of the venom coursing through her, changing her. Everything is fire, and burning, and more fire. It makes me think of Bobby Terrence in Kids in the Hall, with his poem: “Fire fire fire, fire on my braaain . . . FIRE!” – [I really wish I could find it on YouTube.] And then, her heart stops beating, and she is . . . a vaaaaampire. Mwah ha ha.

Now, all of the lead-up to her becoming a vampire in the earlier books made it seem like such a challenge. This was the main reason why Edward was so hesitant about doing this to her – considering her age, and how her time as a “newborn” was going to basically make her think of her thirst, to the detriment of everything else. She was going to need to learn to control it, something, you recall, Jasper had a very hard time with in the earlier books (like, when Bella got a paper cut in New Moon). She also was not going to be able to see her family for quite a while, because the change would be too obvious, and also, she might try to drain them. It was all going to be very different and difficult, but Bella didn’t care – she would work through the pain.

And now, here’s Breaking Dawn, and Bella has it very easy from the first: she’s not clumsy anymore, she’s got insane hearing and vision, she can control her new vampire inclinations like a pro from the first hours and days of becoming “newborn.” What happened to the challenge? There is no real conflict here. She sees her baby very soon after changing, and she even is able to have Charlie visit. So what was the point of all of this dramatic lead-up, if Bella was able to get everything she wants? SO very annoying. I regret reading Eclipse, all 600 pages of ridiculousness.

Anyway, so the Volturi find out about “Nessie,” as everyone takes to calling Bella’s daughter, Reneesme, from Irina; she believes that the child is full-on immortal, which is a Vampire Code no-no, apparently. So, they are coming to investigate, which means destroy everyone. So, the Cullens try to get a bunch of other vamps on their side, to witness that Nessie is really just a halfling. She communicates by touching people’s faces. That is her gift, by inserting pictures into other’s heads. Queen Bella has a gift too, it seems – she is a shield. If you remember from New Moon, when the Volturi tried all of their powers on Bella, she was immune; well, as a vamp, now she’s superimmune, or something. The other vampires that come try to train her to use her gift, to flex her shield as a muscle to protect others as well as herself.

In the end, the Volturi come, they witness Reneesmee, they destroy Irina in a burst of fire, and then it looks like they’re going to attack – and then they don’t. So no one dies. Boooring.

One other thing that bugged the hell out of me. When Bella dies and becomes a vampire, she realizes that she no longer needs to breathe – because she’s dead. However, every time after this that Meyer writes about the characters, they still do breathing-type things, like panting. THEY NO LONGER USE THEIR LUNGS. THEY DO NOT NEED TO PANT. OR GASP. THOSE THINGS REQUIRE BREATH, WHICH THEY NO LONGER NEED. Flags everywhere!!

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1 Comment

Filed under romance novel, young adult

One response to “Breaking Dawn, or, suspend even MORE of your disbelief!

  1. Pingback: 200th entry – A Look Back | Books Without Pity

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