Monthly Archives: June 2014

Breaking Dawn, or, suspend even MORE of your disbelief!

It’s been a while, readers, I know. I avoided this book for a long time, but then I realized what an utter DISSERVICE I’ve been doing you by not telling you how this drivel ends!

Are ya strapped in? Because this shit is, as the kids say, wack.

The first part is told in Bella’s point of view, as before. She is a whiny git, like always. She’s getting married to Edward, and she doesn’t want the fuss and she doesn’t want a fancy armored car (even though, as you recall, she’s accident-prone. Edward isn’t taking any chances of her untimely death). Her parents don’t seem to throw too much of a fight at her wedding extremely young, even though Bella’s dad said that her mom would probably be pissed. Jacob shows up last-minute at the reception and dances with her in the backyard, and then he gets upset, because he knows what’s coming. And then Jacob takes off into the woods before he can throat-punch Edward . . . with his werewolf mouth.

Anyway, once they’re married, Bella was intent on Edward turning her into a vampire right away, even though he was hesitant. But then, they have sex, and she is an addict. Here’s my first flag – he’s dead, right? He is a vampire, therefore has no blood. How does he get an erection? NOT POSSIBLE. She wakes up the next morning with bruises all over her body. I think you’d have internal bleeding, too. Or at least frostbite!

Edward is concerned that he has hurt her and refuses to do her again, but she eventually wears him down. And then she’s suddenly ravenous all the time, and then exhausted enough to sleep for twelve hours at a clip . . . oh, and keeps having all these weird dreams with a demon child and dead bodies everywhere. Then she starts puking.

It’s only been five days, but she’s pregnant. Second red flag . . . he’s DEAD, right? How does he still have semen? The “workaround” from Meyer is that no one knows for sure because usually male vampires are with female vampires and since their bodies are frozen in time, they wouldn’t be able to accommodate a fetus, therefore, it’s an anomaly. Whatever. That seems TOO easy.

They pack and leave their idyllic isle hideaway to return to Forks. Edward and Carlisle want her to get rid of it, but Bella is having none of it. Even though she never really wanted kids in the first place, she ain’t abortin’ this demon baby. She calls Rosalie and begs for help.

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Claudia and the Erotic Phone Calls, Part Three

Chapter 11. Mimi drills Claudia on her multiplication tables. Shouldn’t you have learned this in, I don’t know, third grade? She’s saved by the doorbell. Her neighbors have been robbed, presumably by the Phantom Caller.

Or maybe it’s a copycat, because it’s not a ritzy neighborhood. So say the police. Because the thief certainly wouldn’t be trying to throw anyone off the track.

Anyway, Kristy told MaryAnne, who told her father, and now, she’s forbidden to babysit until the Phantom is caught.

Claudia gets a brilliant idea to get Trevor to notice her – which backfires and ends with a lap full of Jell-o. Aww. Now that’s sad.

MaryAnne feels bad about being a burden. They switch her jobs around. Then MA says that she should quit the club. Blah-blah-blah, woe is me. The others decide to keep her on as secretary. All this false drama, when will it end?

Chapter 12. The obnoxious Feldman kids are back, but this time Claudia has Kristy to help her. Claudia, last time, had the good sense to ignore them. What does Kristy do? Whistle like a soccer coach and threaten the kids with PUNCHES. Wow, babysitter of the year here, folks.

They get three calls, then there’s banging outside, so Claudia calls the police.

Chapter 13. The operator takes Claudia’s information. The police arrive, and with them is Alan Gray, Kristy’s nemesis. He’s been calling and stalking them because he stole a peek at their record book every day. And why?

Because he wants Kristy to go to the dance with him.

And then the parents come back early. Oh ho, no!

Chapter 14. Claudia can’t believe Kristy agreed to go to the dance with Alan, when she can’t stand him. But now she realizes that her (Kristy’s) mother was right – that boys tease you when they like you. And now Kristy is so confused, because a boy likes her! And she’s going to a dance? All when she was ready to tattoo the name Sappho on her upper thigh . . .

Instead of Claudia being happy for her friend, she’s bummed she isn’t going to the dance. But then she has a nice talk with her sister about her adventure that night.

Claudia wonders who her random caller is. Maybe it’s a boy!

And, of course, it’s Trevor. He’s been stalking her phone to get up the courage to ask her to the dance.

Chapter 15. The girls decide not to go in costume to the dance. Instead, Claudia wears baggy jeans and a bulky sweater. You’re thuggin’ out now? Claudia can’t dance, apparently. But she got a B-plus in math! And then Phantom Caller was finally caught. All’s well that ends well.

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Claudia and the Erotic Phone Calls, Part Two

Chapter 6. Claudia tries to be nice to her sister, but is quickly overcome by Janine’s over-explanation. Then she hears on the radio that the Phantom Caller is in New Jersey, which is like, a whole other country.

But the next night, the Phantom Caller is discovered to still be at large. While Claudia is baby-sitting, she gets a phone call with silence on the other end. And of course, she can’t remember the code. She calls Stacey, who keeps her company by phone, as every little thing is disturbing. Finally, she’s so freaked out by noises – that turn out to be the kids’ parents coming home without house keys. And the phone rings again, with no one on the other line.

Chapter 7. Kristy baby-sits for Watson, her future stepfather. The little girl, Karen, is very serious. Because of “Morbidda Destiny,” the “witch” next door. Karen has more freckles now, so she’s convinced she’s been cursed.

Andrew lets out Boo-Boo, the cat. Which is Not Done, if you’ll recall. But Kristy goes on with the night, eschewing Karen’s choice of a book called The Witch Next Door in favor of a Beverly Cleary.

And then the phone rings! But it’s just MaryAnne checking in. Kristy tours the house on a lock check. And then the phone rings again! No answer on the other line! And then again! But this time, it’s Claudia, who tries to assuage Kristy’s fears. Then she asks Kristy if she remembers the code, but Kristy doesn’t. Smooth!

Kristy decides to sack up and read her schoolbook, but her imagination runs rampant instead. Boo-Boo returns, with “Morbidda Destiny” in tow. Apparently, Boo-Boo was eating a mouse on her porch, and she hands Kristy the remains in a paper sack. Classy. But it’s okay, Kristy theorizes, because if Mrs. Porter were really a witch, she would never have given away her spell ingredients. Excellent deduction, but what if it’s a fake-out?

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The Babysitters Club – Claudia and the Erotic Phone Calls, Part One

As you may have gathered from the title, this one is narrated by Claudia. Let’s see what ridiculous shenanigans THIS time!

Chapter 1. It’s a dark and stormy night, to borrow from Edward Bulwer-Lytton. Claudia wants to read Nancy Drew and eat candy, or paint and moon about boys. But, no, homework comes first. Sigh! It’s so tough, innit? It must be done, though, or she can’t stay in the BSC, of which she recaps the origins, as well as the fact that she hasn’t done any homework since the start of the school year. How did that go on this long without your parents being notified sooner?

School is boring, Claudia bitches. Who cares how to solve for x? I just want to read mysteries! And my sister, Janine, is a “real and true genius,” which is different from a fake and false one, believe me. Supposedly, Claudia’s IQ is also above average, but she doesn’t want to concentrate and buckle down, so her spelling sucks. Right, like that’s your only problem, especially when she uses the non-word “trigonomulus” a few paragraphs later.

On this night, it’s Claudia’s grandmother’s turn to help her with homework. Mimi has a “rolling accent that reminds [Claudia] of a ship at sea.” She’s Japanese, and polite. That’s about all we get.

Claudia talks with Mimi about Nancy Drew mysteries and Halloween. Claudia is already prepared for the latter: purple knee-high pants with suspenders, tights with a clock print, purple plaid shirt and hat (wasn’t she wearing purple plaid in the last book, too?), high-tops, and lobster earrings. The hallmarks of a crazy person, even in 1980s Stoneybrook.

Claudia wants to work on her portrait project, so Mimi sits for her. This devolves into a conversation about sisters and getting along, and Mimi advising her that these things involve patience and time.

Later, Claudia is settling in with Nancy Drew, but her thoughts quickly drift away to Trevor Sandbourne. He’s dreamy!

Stacey calls, and lots of sighing occurs – about boys, about no sitting jobs, about Stacey not knowing enough people. Claudia promises a get-together with the others, and goes back to her book.

Chapter 2. The girls are at Kristy’s and very bored. Kristy suggests looking at old toys, but that’s childish. Claudia tells us that both Kristy and MaryAnne look and act younger than twelve, and are totally not sophisticated like her and Stacey. MaryAnne suggests cookies, but Stacey has the diabeetus, so that’s out. The player is broken, so they can’t rent a movie.

Claudia tells them about the guy she’s been mooning over, and apparently, Kristy has a class with him – and Alan Gray, who is gross. Kristy was the only one to beat him at his own game – by packing an irresistible lunch for him to steal, only to find in covered in dead and disgusting things. Ha, ha.

MaryAnne goes back to her newspaper and is freaked out by the “Phantom Caller.” He calls people and then robs them. And he’s moving closer to Stoneybrook. Suddenly, Claudia remembers that at her last sitting job, she got two phone calls, and each time, they hung up without saying a word.

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