Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Three

In a throwback to the teenage years Grey never really got to experience, he has given Ana “hickeys” all over her front. Her wrists and ankles have welts from straining against the handcuffs. This makes Ana’s “subconscious,” that is, one of her alternate personalities, get pissy and glare over her half-moon glasses. Sybil, you need a breather. Ana is upset that he deliberately marked her in this way, but not because it is absolutely CRAZY, but because, OMG, now she can’t wear a bikini! She throws her hairbrush at him and stalks off – wow, she means business!

Grey can’t fathom why she’s so upset. He only marked her as property, and to teach her not to cavort around naked in public . . . The “fight” is quickly ended, as it always is in Magical Fuckland, and they resort, once again, to ridiculous banter.

Ana asks why Grey always braids her hair, but it is obviously a painful question, so she backs down. Then she asks why he told her not to pee earlier. “The fuller your bladder, the more intense your orgasm.” This just sounds super-problematic to me, but according to anecdotal evidence, it appears to be true. Hmm, no thanks! When I have to go, I have to go. Then they dance, and then they do a dance of the horizontal kind.

Ana likes both sides of Christian; it’s like being married to two different men! Yeah, that’s not a compliment. Ana watches Grey shave, which leads to a F-F-lashback about her and her pubes. Apparently, she shaved them off, because she remembered that’s what he preferred, and he decided upon inspection that he could do a better job. Miss Polly Prissypants is shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, that he would want to do that. After all that other things in which you’ve participated, THIS is what you object to?

Ana shaves his face, and then they go to an old village and poke around. They buy art, as you do when you’re wealthy, of course. At lunch, he tells her that he thinks the “crack whore” (his biological mom) used to let him play with her hair. Ana says she thinks he loved his mom, but this might have been a step too far? Why would you marry someone with whom you’re constantly walking on eggshells? Ugh.

Grey notices the marks from the cuffs. She’s quick to assure him that they don’t hurt. Spoken like a victim. And then he buys her a bracelet. To cover up the marks, you see. (Her watch band hides them on her other wrist). He’s even more “uncomfortable” when he sees the marks on her ankles. Ana tells him that she “enjoyed” it all. You were unsure right until the minute you came!

Grey gets a call; there was a fire in the server room at the company or some shit. Oh, no, Ana thinks, what next? How about a quick, merciful ending to this book, for a start?

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