Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Two

Chapter Two. Grey doesn’t want his entourage seeing her ladybits. I’m sure they’ve already heard more than they wanted to. Or that someone would take tabloid photos. Generally, the Star and its ilk only care about famous people, so I don’t buy this. You had all intentions of boning her in the ocean, so what changed? Shrinkage, obviously. Ana is a meek little shit, so she follows him and begs him not to be mad at her. They go back to the boat by Jet Ski, as she wrote it, and it bugs me that it’s capitalized. He wants to punish her somehow, but they have gin and tonics first, as you do when you’re wealthy and have time to kill.

Grey takes a call, which leads us back to Flashback Mode. They argued over a prenuptial agreement. Grey didn’t want one. Guh? I’m sorry, that just doesn’t fly. Ana doesn’t want the Greys to think that she’s after Christian’s money. Which she isn’t, really – just his peen. She hopes Grey would never leave her and – shut the fuck up, seriously.

Ana’s bikini cost nearly $600, by the way. “Four triangular scraps of material.” Wait, four? Do you have a third boob you’ve neglected to mention? I love how she drains harder liquor, like gin, without a qualm now. I seem to recall her barely drinking and very lightweight at the bar in book one . . .

Grey says he’s going to “make an example” of her (to whom? It’s just them there, right?), and tells her not to pee. Um, what does that have to do with anything? My bladder cries out in protest. In the bedroom, he has two pairs of metal handcuffs and a sleep mask. He cuffs her arms to her legs, then tips her backwards so she’s all bent up. He says, “I’m going to fuck you until you scream.” Yeah, and how is this sexy and not sinister as all get-out? This is her punishment, to be driven crazy because she drives him crazy. Like no one else. She drives him crazy, and he can’t help himself.

He pounds her into submission, literally, and asks her why she defies him. But this is not controlling, he is not dominant, he is nowhere near abusive. “I’m helpless. I’m his, just his, to do with as he wills. Tears spring to my eyes. This is too intense.” Why did he bother to make her choose a safe-word? She apparently could use it, but never does. The issue I see here is, Ana still doesn’t really know what she wants. It’s too late for her, anyway. Her orgasm “rips [her] apart, scorching [her] like a wildfire, consuming everything.” Ashes to ashes, funk to funky, strung out in heaven’s high at an all-time low. She complains, she vacillates, but in the end she says, “I really must misbehave more often.”

Ana, I hate you so fucking much. Especially since you don’t pee for hours after sex and magically don’t get any kind of infection.

In the bathroom, she sees her skin and is horrified. Are you turning into a lizard woman or something?

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