Monthly Archives: April 2013

Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Four

Chapter Four. Ana wants to go shopping, and takes the jet ski, lying to Taylor about the clearance from Grey. And, because she’s a fucking moron, she just HAS to cruise around the boat and is spotted by Christian. Taylor has an uncomfortable conversation with her about Grey not wanting her on the jet ski. Stupid conversation AND email ensues between the Greys.

Ana shops at a cheaper stores to buy herself an anklet. For she’s not totally comfortable with all of her wealth, you see. She calls José for advice about cameras. She gives Grey a Nikon, thinking he might want to take his own tabloid – I mean, tasteful photos of her. He doesn’t understand why she would want to be objectified. He’s confused, and she babbles, about her wrists, and all the shit that’s been happening, and he sits, mute. So Ana starts taking pictures of him, and Mr. Bipolar begins swinging back. He takes pictures of him pinned beneath him. And then they do it. Of course. And they repeat their wedding vows to each other. Gag. This leads Grey to reveal the fire was arson, which worries him that they’re not safe. Good, die already. I am sick of the banter, and the always-perfect sex, and the constant references to his hot body, his glowing eyes, et cetera.

Ana chats online with Kate. Kate heard about the fire, too. She asks after the “ex-Dom,” which annoys Ana. Well, it’s true, right? Although people never really change all that much . . . And then Ana has a nightmare about losing him, her deepest fear. Why can’t this be foreshadowing?

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Three

In a throwback to the teenage years Grey never really got to experience, he has given Ana “hickeys” all over her front. Her wrists and ankles have welts from straining against the handcuffs. This makes Ana’s “subconscious,” that is, one of her alternate personalities, get pissy and glare over her half-moon glasses. Sybil, you need a breather. Ana is upset that he deliberately marked her in this way, but not because it is absolutely CRAZY, but because, OMG, now she can’t wear a bikini! She throws her hairbrush at him and stalks off – wow, she means business!

Grey can’t fathom why she’s so upset. He only marked her as property, and to teach her not to cavort around naked in public . . . The “fight” is quickly ended, as it always is in Magical Fuckland, and they resort, once again, to ridiculous banter.

Ana asks why Grey always braids her hair, but it is obviously a painful question, so she backs down. Then she asks why he told her not to pee earlier. “The fuller your bladder, the more intense your orgasm.” This just sounds super-problematic to me, but according to anecdotal evidence, it appears to be true. Hmm, no thanks! When I have to go, I have to go. Then they dance, and then they do a dance of the horizontal kind.

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Two

Chapter Two. Grey doesn’t want his entourage seeing her ladybits. I’m sure they’ve already heard more than they wanted to. Or that someone would take tabloid photos. Generally, the Star and its ilk only care about famous people, so I don’t buy this. You had all intentions of boning her in the ocean, so what changed? Shrinkage, obviously. Ana is a meek little shit, so she follows him and begs him not to be mad at her. They go back to the boat by Jet Ski, as she wrote it, and it bugs me that it’s capitalized. He wants to punish her somehow, but they have gin and tonics first, as you do when you’re wealthy and have time to kill.

Grey takes a call, which leads us back to Flashback Mode. They argued over a prenuptial agreement. Grey didn’t want one. Guh? I’m sorry, that just doesn’t fly. Ana doesn’t want the Greys to think that she’s after Christian’s money. Which she isn’t, really – just his peen. She hopes Grey would never leave her and – shut the fuck up, seriously.

Ana’s bikini cost nearly $600, by the way. “Four triangular scraps of material.” Wait, four? Do you have a third boob you’ve neglected to mention? I love how she drains harder liquor, like gin, without a qualm now. I seem to recall her barely drinking and very lightweight at the bar in book one . . .

Grey says he’s going to “make an example” of her (to whom? It’s just them there, right?), and tells her not to pee. Um, what does that have to do with anything? My bladder cries out in protest. In the bedroom, he has two pairs of metal handcuffs and a sleep mask. He cuffs her arms to her legs, then tips her backwards so she’s all bent up. He says, “I’m going to fuck you until you scream.” Yeah, and how is this sexy and not sinister as all get-out? This is her punishment, to be driven crazy because she drives him crazy. Like no one else. She drives him crazy, and he can’t help himself.

He pounds her into submission, literally, and asks her why she defies him. But this is not controlling, he is not dominant, he is nowhere near abusive. “I’m helpless. I’m his, just his, to do with as he wills. Tears spring to my eyes. This is too intense.” Why did he bother to make her choose a safe-word? She apparently could use it, but never does. The issue I see here is, Ana still doesn’t really know what she wants. It’s too late for her, anyway. Her orgasm “rips [her] apart, scorching [her] like a wildfire, consuming everything.” Ashes to ashes, funk to funky, strung out in heaven’s high at an all-time low. She complains, she vacillates, but in the end she says, “I really must misbehave more often.”

Ana, I hate you so fucking much. Especially since you don’t pee for hours after sex and magically don’t get any kind of infection.

In the bathroom, she sees her skin and is horrified. Are you turning into a lizard woman or something?

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