Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter One

We’ve come this far, so why not run the whole gamut and be done with it? I’ll try to be as succinct as possible, as I’m sure you’re loathing it just as much (it should be less, though, as I’m doing all the work). Let’s begin.

In case you haven’t seen it, the cover has handcuffs on it. Insert pithy comment about shackles, et cetera. The Prologue, just like Fifty Shades Darker, is from the point of view of Christian Grey as a young child. It’s the same scene, but longer – his mom is dead, but he doesn’t know it; the man comes in and kicks him aside; and so on. As abruptly as he is shaken from his nightmare, the point of view switches to third-person omniscient. That is confusing and generally not-done. Anyway, the fear “tarnishes” his mouth, which is apparently made of precious metal. Ana calms him down and wraps herself around him, “her warmth leeching [sic] into his body;” he was found dead days later, from lack of blood. Grey says they can change the vows to omit obeying. Yeah, right, that’s rich, coming from you! In your case, that would be the only vow.

Chapter One. Ana tells us that her husband is hot and beautiful. In case you didn’t know. They’re in Monaco, apparently, on their honeymoon, staying on a yacht. Ana lazes and dozes, thinking back in a contrived device to describe what happened following the end of Darker . . . they had sex. Of course. And he wanted to get married the very next day. Yeah, because that’s not suspicious at all. But he agrees to a month for planning.

She’s awakened by Grey, and their banter is even MORE sickening now that they’re married:

“Out of the Mediterranean sun, Mrs. Grey.”

“Thank you for your altruism, Mr. Grey.”

I think I just puked in my mouth a little.

He doesn’t like her skimpy bikini, and won’t let her go topless. Still as creepy and controlling as ever. And then they go play in the ocean. But, surprisingly for this book, they don’t do it in the water. (Even though he asks, and she says yes).

Back at the wedding flashback, they’ve just become Mr. & Mrs. Grey. Grey wants no one to take off her dress but him. Ana is sad that her mom and Ray are no longer together, and hopes she and Grey last longer. Who thinks that shit at her own wedding unless she’s having second thoughts? At this point, they’ve been together ten weeks, give or take (doing my own math here, given inferences). Not a really long time to get to know someone enough to marry them, especially when all you ever do is have sex and banter idiotically – but I guess I’m old-fashioned! Christian is still mad at Kate, apparently, presumably about the email fiasco. Why, though? Nothing came of it, which is astonishing enough, so quit it already.

José is being creepy, too, with his “I’ll be here . . . if you need me.” Grey must be rubbing off on him. I don’t know if it’s meant to be sinister, but it sure reads that way.

Speaking of sinister, not only does Grey want to be the one to take her out of her gown, he also wants to take her hair down, too. So you’re going to undo all the pins and such, Christian? Bitch, what do you know about hair? And Ana has no idea where she’s going. (To the BDSM Museum, of course! See famous handcuffs from history! See the Marquis de Sade’s own crop! Be sure to visit the Gift Shop! Ask for 10% discount, if you daaare.) You mean, you didn’t even get a say in your own honeymoon? But he’s totally not controlling. Got it. Even other people, like Ana’s mom and Kate, know better.

Grey misuses his company jet to whisk her away on their honeymoon. Which London, then Paris, then underpantsMonaco. They have dinner, and then Grey leads her to the private bedroom, where he speaks in a way that is meant to be sexy, but just puts me in mind of robots: “I. Want. To. Be. Inside. You.” Oh, and he keeps reiterating that she’s his, especially as he fondles various parts. Are you going to cut them off, too? That way, they’ll be yours forever!

Ana becomes a robot, too. And then they start to do it. But wait, Ana is awakened into the present by an angry Grey. Why is he angry? Because she took her top off earlier and she’s been showing her funbags to all and sundry. Ruh-roh!

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One response to “Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter One

  1. Pingback: 200th entry – A Look Back | Books Without Pity

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