Fifty Shades Dumber, Chapters Fifteen and Sixteen

Chapter Fifteen. Grey holds her while she cries on the bathroom floor. She wakes up in the middle of the night to think about things. Can she marry him? Can she move on from his big reveal (and again, I don’t mean his penis)? She wonders if she can talk to Dr. Flynn. Um, no, you bimbo, that’s why there’s doctor-patient confidentiality. Suddenly, she hears a scream! It’s me, from so much idiocy. No, wait, it’s Christian, having a nightmare. Because she left. And when he realizes she’s still there, it arouses him and they start to mack, but then she thinks about his mother, and all her desire is gone. But then he brings it back with his Magic Earl. She decides not to overthink it. Yeah, totally logical reaction right here.

Afterwards, he talks about his nightmares. They’re about his abusive childhood, blah blah. He’s serious about wanting to marry her. “We can get to know each other then.” Wait, what? What’s wrong with now? This must mean that you have some literal skeletons in your closet, right?

He watches her dress in the morning and she still hasn’t processed what’s been going on. She’s late to work, her boss is angry. She banters with Grey over email. Did you forget already about not using your work email for personal shit? Anyway, José calls her about the photos and wants to meet up. Her boss is critical about her work, and she doesn’t understand his quick-change attitude. Duh? How stupid are you? She even asks what she’s done to offend, as if she doesn’t know.
She goes to lunch and thinks about things . . . again. But she could never leave. So what is there to decide, dumbass? Please stop padding this already mind-numbing “plot” out. She ruminates for pages. Mia (Grey’s sister) invites her to Christian’s birthday party She had no idea when his birthday was. Yes, marriageable material! More idiotic banter over email.

Later, Ana’s boss comes upon her in the kitchen and closes the door. She just stands there while he leers and her and says creepy things like, “At last, I have you on your own,” and “Are you going to be a good girl and listen carefully to what I say?” Ana says, “That’s sexual harassment, and I don’t have to take it.” Oh, wait, no; she totally doesn’t.

Chapter Sixteen. Ana’s boss leers at her and she tries to escape by telling him his cab is arriving soon. Oh, yes, wouldn’t want to be late because I was forcing myself on you, Ana! What WOULD people say? She mentions HR and wonders where security is. Ha ha, what security? He mentions the emails to Grey and the complete lack of replies, so he wonders if she’s a spy. If she wants to keep her job, he wants things from her. He’s heard about her BJ prowess from Penthouse Forum, apparently. Jack calls her a “tight-assed, cock-blocking prick tease.” And that’s no mean feat, being all of those things simultaneously! Who knew Ana was so talented? Anyway, he gets too close, and she actually defends herself and runs away.

And then faints outside the building and Grey rescues her. Again. She tells him about the emails but he has them wiped. And then he fires Ana’s boss. And then he turns fury on Ana, which in this case, is justified. Use your damned personal phone for personal shit! He makes Ana get in the car, then goes inside the building. Jack comes out with his belongings, apparently, there were other things found on his computer.

Grey is pissed because something could have happened to her. Even without the email thing, bro, he still kept coming on to her, anyway, but whatever. Ana tells Grey about José, and he doesn’t want her to see him. This leads to Ana not wanting Grey to see Elena (Mrs. Robinson) anymore, but he still does, and it is not her place to say, just as it isn’t Grey’s about her friends. He concedes to letting José stay at his place.

Grey has to work, so Ana wanders around and visits the playroom alone. She opens a chest and finds some weird implements, and as she’s staring at them, Grey comes in. Apparently, it’s a butt plug she’s holding, made of metal. She also picks up anal beads. Yummo. He shows her the drawer of vibrators, and then there’s the clamp drawer – both genital and nipple. And then the Wartenberg pinwheel (it looks like a pastry cutter, but a bit spikier, and I’d wager, more painful).

She’s never seen a ball gag, either, apparently, and he explains what they’re for. More annoying talk about who can hurt whom, and who loves who more, blah blah. She finds a spreader bar and asks for a demo, but he won’t do it in the playroom because he’s not ready to return there yet. And then they do it, in a very long scene. On and on – does it ever end? Finally, it does, and she drifts off, knowing how much he needs her.

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