Fifty Shades Dumber, Chapters Thirteen and Fourteen

[Yeah, you’re getting doubles now. I need all of this out of my brain. And I will not stop until we are DONE. I took all the time to read and write about this shit, so now you can, too!]

Chapter Thirteen. And again, Leila/Casperella doesn’t shoot her right away. Ana tries to talk to her. Leila talks like a robot. She tells Ana that “Master likes obedient ones who looks like you and me.” But yet, Ana has slept in “Master’s” bed. He’s a “dark man.” Yes, yes he is. Ana asks for the gun, but it’s all Leila has, “so she can join her love.” Please, Leila, shoot BOTH of them.

And here comes Grey. And Leila tightens her grip on the gun. And she doesn’t shoot. They just stare at each other. Christian becomes the overbearing dom and mouths something to her which makes her immediately kneel down, head bowed, and send the gun clattering to the floor. The safety is off, so it sends a bullet flying out and hitting Christian, and then exiting to hit Ana. Oh, wait, no, that’s just what I WISH would happen. Grey stands over her and tells Ana to go, then orders her when she doesn’t move. He needs to be alone with Leila. Ana sees the “true submissive” right there in the kitchen, and wonders what they’re going to do when she, Ana, is gone. Fuck, obviously. As that’s what everyone does in these books.

Ethan, Kate’s brother, wonders what’s going on. She tells him the quick and dirty version (except not that dirty, I guess), and Ethan offers to buy her a drink. Taylor mentions that Grey wanted her to go back to the apartment, but Ana says that they have Leila now, so it should all be cool, and let’s get crunk, or something. She tells Ethan a little more about Leila, without betraying too much about Grey’s kinks, and she wonders what Grey is doing up there now. The last thing she saw was his hand stroking Leila’s hair. They watch Dr. Flynn go inside, and then return with Christian, who is carrying Leila; they all get into the car and drive away.

Ethan and Ana get drunk and then he walks her back across the street to Castle Greyskull. Ana finds Grey there, pissed at her. Ana tells him she didn’t know how long he would be with his ex. He doesn’t understand. Ana’s no good for him; she saw what he and Leila had together. He asks if she’s running. She doesn’t really answer, which throws him into a panic. He kneels down in front of her with his head bowed. She yells at him to look at her, and he obeys.

So, wait, what? Suddenly, he’s her sub now? How did we get here?

Chapter Fourteen. Ana is also disturbed by the turn this has taken. This is not what she wants. “It’s heartbreaking” to see him like this, a “lost boy.” She doesn’t want to dominate anyone, especially because she’d be like her nemesis, Elena (Mrs. Robinson). So she gets down on her knees, too, and starts babbling, about not running, and baggage, and time to think, and getting insight into his life, and her not being good enough for him, and blah, blah, blah. The crux is all about HER, of course. Why does he find her attractive? All the shit we’ve heard before.

And he finally comes back to himself. That didn’t take long at all. There is no suspense or real drama in this book. I know, I know, what was I thinking? He was so scared, and he unburdens himself, and tells her that everything he did was to keep her safe, but she still wonders how much he still feels for Leila. But then he lets her touch . . . The Forbidden Zone (which isn’t his peen, surprisingly), both over the shirt AND under. “Oh, my Fifty” is her new expression. Oohkay. And she kisses his chest, and then he pins her down, and she says she’ll never leave.

Grey just stares at her and she finally asks what his secret is that would make her run away. Are you ready? Here it is:

“I’m a sadist, Ana. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack-whore – my birth mother. I’m sure you can guess why.”

Paging Dr. Freud! Ana’s reaction is, OMG, this is really bad!!!1! Do you think so, little milquetoast?

She remembers that he said he wasn’t a sadist, when they talked about this before, but that was a “lie of omission.” Like that makes it better? But back then, he had had a very different relationship in mind. Ana reiterates that she can’t give him what he needs, but he says that her leaving changed him. Especially because she wuvs him and all that happy horseshit; he doesn’t feel the need to indulge in the “heavy” stuff, like caning.

And she still hasn’t left. He’s as surprised as I am. All of her thoughts have been “Fuck” and “OMG” and the like. She remembers the picture in his old bedroom, and realizes it was his mother. And that’s it; now she is numb and wants to go to bed. She realizes she can’t leave him, and won’t. What does she need to do to prove it?

“Marry me,” he says. And she laughs. Oh, wait, he’s serious. And they banter stupidly. And she doesn’t say yes, but she doesn’t say no, either. And then we’re back to the food thing. “His eyes frost and his jaw hardens.” Is rigor mortis setting in? She wants to sleep, but she needs to eat, and then he tells her, “Come.” Which is it??

Apparently, macaroni and cheese is “nursery food.” Fuck you, bitch. But she eats some, anyway. As they’re eating, he asks where she was earlier, and she tells him about going to the bar across the street with Ethan. He doesn’t seem to like that, so she asks about Leila, and flips out when he tells her that he gave Leila a bath and dressed her. It’s not because he had feelings for her, but she was so much in need of help. Besides, think about it – she might have drowned herself, and wouldn’t THAT have been a sticky situation, amIrite! But she just keeps picturing him “bathing her, for fuck’s sake – naked.” Well, that IS how people bathe, Ana – without clothes. And she runs away to the bathroom and cries.

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