Fifty Shades Dumber, Chapters Nine and Ten.

Let’s speed this up, shall we? I need it out of my life! But I would hate to disappoint my fans 😀

Chapter Nine. Ana is so happy her face splits. That might require some stitches. And she’s gonna cry again. For someone who said in the first book that she never cries . . . He’s so deep and fragile. “And I know in this moment my heart is big enough for the both of us.” An enlarged heart is a serious medical condition; they can check on that when you get your face sutured.

He dries her hair, and she does the same to him. Then she dries him off, respecting the boundaries with the towel. Then he dries his own chest with her hand guiding his; “his eyes are darker, more deadly . . . Is this a place I want to go?” Sure, if you want to end up sprawled in a ditch somewhere. And then they do it, but in a moment of restraint, James does not describe it. I suppose because he was “gentle,” as Ana describes it, and gentle is boring. He talks about “robbing [her] of [her] virtue,” and seriously, I wish I had a word other than “creepy” to use, but I don’t.

Ana wades into dangerous territory by asking about Grey’s biological father. Supposedly, he doesn’t know him. His mother’s pimp, who came upon him and his already-dead mother, denied having anything to do with him and Grey looked nothing like him. Right, because it’s that easy. Don’t tell Maury and his paternity tests!

He DOES remember his bio-dad, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. “His eyes frost with anger.” That . . . oxymoronic. And just moronic, as well. Ana changes the subject before he flips out. He has a surprise for her. They dress, and she admires the way he “artfully” drapes a sweater over his shoulders, and his “artfully rumpled” hair. You need to open Roget’s Thesaurus a little wider, darlin’. And he’s so hot that, even though he’s threatening to “punish” her, the prospect doesn’t scare her anymore. That’s great; can we end it here?

They head to the surprise, but then detour to a car dealership, to buy Ana a new car. Are they gonna drag-race? This time, it’s a Saab 9-3. Which, I’m sorry, that is an ugly car. This is for her graduation present. But she can’t have black. Or yellow. So why tell her she can have a choice when she really can’t? She ends up with a silver convertible. Okay, the convertible isn’t as bad-looking. And then they’re back to the food thing. They have lunch and actually are capable of more than stupid banter – he talks about his company and asks her about her family. And then, the surprise – he wants to take her sailing. His boat is named after his adopted mom. Ana finds it weird, as he always seems so awkward around Grace. He gives her a tour and they banter about “christening” the bed.

He lets her steer – the boat, that is. And then they send the captain off on an errand so Christian has an excuse to screw her in the cabin. But we knew that was coming, didn’t we? Pun intended.
Chapter Ten. Please stop describing how hot he is and how lucky you are. We fucking get it. She learns how to tie some knots, which makes her mention tying HIM up some time. He says she’ll have to catch him first. This reminds her of him chasing her around, and then spanking her with the belt, which made her leave. She doesn’t think she could leave now; after all, he told her he wuvs her. However, she wonders how long this vanilla-ness will hold an interest for him. “I just don’t know, and the thought is unnerving.” If that were really true, why would you stay? Poor word choice, or are you an idiot? I think it’s both.

They return to the dock and apparently, can also return to Christian’s place, as well. Grey talks about Taylor, his assistant, and given how Ana talks about him, Grey thinks she wants Taylor’s ass, or something. Ana tells Grey to “grow up.” Hello, Pot, have you met Kettle? He says he’s trying. And then they banter about spankings. She asks if the captain is his friend; he doesn’t really have any friends. Except Elena/Mrs. Robinson, but he doesn’t say it. To change the subject, he asks if she’s hungry. That’s all these characters ever do is eat and fuck. How is this so scintillating to so many people?

At dinner, Ana tries to play armchair-psychologist about his not having friends. He doesn’t have time. He’s very busy with his business. And her business, too, if you know what I mean, and I KNOW you do, because we. get. it. And his ways of letting off steam aren’t really things to hang out with other people over. Which is actually bullshit, because I know for a fact that the BDSM community does have get-togethers for that very reason.

Ana tells him that she worries their “normal” relationship won’t be enough for him. This makes him angry. She just doesn’t want him to be someone he’s not. He’s still the same “fifty shades of fuckedupness.” Really? That’s the best way a supposedly erudite man could phrase it? He still can punish her, and she even let him yesterday.

Ana pushes harder and asks about the “playroom.” He won’t take her in there, because the last time he did, she left. And she tries to push for role-playing or something, and I have to ask, Ana, why can’t you leave well enough alone? In the first book, you didn’t want to visit the “Red Room of Pain,” and now that Grey supposedly accepted that, you want to turn it around again? You’re the type of “mixed signals” chick that everyone loves to hate on, because you make it bad and confusing for the rest of us. Grey says they “have to walk before [they] can run,” a quote from his therapist. Then they talk about traveling.

On the way back, Ana ponders, once again, why he’s so complicated. Grey is looking for Leila (Casperella). Grey snaps at her in the elevator that she is not allowed out alone. The domineering attitude makes her happy, because this is Grey she knows; he only wants to protect her and this is how he shows love. Spoken like an abused woman’s defense.

Ana makes a flirty comment to Taylor, and Grey drags her away to scold her. Because he’s jealous. Oh, please. He leaves for a debriefing, like he’s the President or something, and she notices all of her clothes are gone. Oh em gee, did Christian take her literally and get rid of them all? The iPod and computer are gone, as well. They’re all in Christian’s bedroom now, because Leila was probably getting in through the the emergency stairwell. It’s a very convoluted way to have Ana share his room and bed. Then he won’t have nightmares.

Ana mentions work. He doesn’t want her to go because Leila is out there. She asks if he expects her to stay inside all day while he’s “being Master of the Universe.” He’s He-Man? No, not my precious childhood! He refuses to let her go to work. Finally, she concedes to having the bodyguard accompany her. He claims he didn’t mean to scare her, and she “jokes” she was just about to run. Haven’t you learned yet that he takes that seriously? You’re so damned stupid.

Grey takes her on a tour of the apartment. They banter, of course. In the library, there is a pool table, and she challenges him to a game. If she wins, he’ll take her back to the “playroom.” If he wins, it’s his choice to do whatever he wants. They play, stripping and strutting around like the imbecilic cardboard cut-outs they are. If he wins, he decides, he gets to spank her and then fuck her over the pool table. And of course, because there hasn’t been a protracted sex scene in a while, he wins.

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1 Comment

Filed under romance novel

One response to “Fifty Shades Dumber, Chapters Nine and Ten.

  1. “Ana is so happy her face splits.”

    I remember that episode of Fringe! This was part of The Pattern, right?

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