Fifty Types of Dreck – or, that “book” series everyone loves for some reason – Chapter 13

Chapter 13. Ana talks to her mom, who won’t be there for her graduation. Because it’s not a big deal or anything. She gets an email from Grey, where he figuratively smacks her with the dictionary definition of “submissive.” She responds with “compromise.” He says he’ll pick her up; she says she can drive herself. He asks, “Do you ever think you’ll be able to do what you’re told?” She gets her way, though.

She calls her stepdad, blah blah, packing, drinking. Paul (from the store) asks her on a date, and she tells him that she’s going out with Christian Grey. Ana is happy that this makes Paul go away. Ana is a hateful bitch.

Ana the Hateful dresses up for her date, and heads to the hotel. She’ll have whatever Grey chooses. She tells him his contract is not legally binding, which he’s aware of. Grey asks, “You think I’d coerce you into something you don’t want to do, and then pretend that I have a legal hold over you?” Um, YES. It’s an arrangement, do you trust me, blah blah. Then he asks her if she has eaten. Of course not. He has a private dining room booked. Oh, are they gonna bone in there? The dessert course is “Christian Grey flavored popsicle.”

It’s ritzy and secluded, just as you’d expect a private dining room to be. Grey tells her to stop biting her lip, and again, she doesn’t know she is doing it. How do you NOT know? Don’t you feel it?

Anyway, he lays out her issues one by one. He’ll redraft the clause that says it’s for the benefit of the sub, to include himself as well. He’s very anti-drug and gets frequent blood tests. She can walk away at any time, but once she does, it’s over.

Oysters arrive. Ana has never had one. They are from different worlds; she is naive in all things. WE FUCKING GET IT ALREADY.

She needs to “obey in all things . . . Think of it as role-play.” She’s afraid of being hurt; he’s done it before – suspending someone from his “playroom” ceiling with a too-tight rope. She doesn’t want to hear anymore, but I’m actually curious as to what was injured. And now I’ll never now. Thank you, spineless worm of a protagonist!

She’ll try her best to obey. He insists on three months, letting her have “one day over one weekend per month” alone, but then he gets a midweek night that same week. As soon as she enters his <s>dungeon</s> Domain, anything goes and she has to accept it. He says he’ll start slowly – oh, you mean like how you sand-blasted her hymen?

Main course arrives and she doesn’t feel like eating. Fuck you, then, I’ll take it. She gains ground on the food and sleep clauses. And she can’t touch him, because, well, she just can’t. When she’s mulling to herself she says that she CAN look him in the eye, but this is poor editing, once again, because he says, “You’ll get used to it,” meaning she CAN’T.

Grey wants to go over soft limits, but she’s not having it over food. Like you’ve actually eaten anything. Grey has kept a running tally (cause that is totally not creepy or anything), and it’s barely enough for a hummingbird. She tells him that he uses sex as a weapon. He tells her that “in life, you use what you know.” He wants her now, and tells her that if she were his sub, she wouldn’t have to make the decisions, because he can take care of that for her. And we know how hard it is for Ana to think at all, so maybe this is a good gig. He knows she wants it – and she wonders again if she’s psychic. You’re giving it all away on your face, you foolish bitch; oh, and apparently, she’s pushing her thighs together – he can tell from the movement of the tablecloth. Elementary, my dear dumb Ana.

Stupid shit ensues where they talk about her clearing her plate, and now, he doesn’t “give a fuck” whether she does or not. I think you give more than a fuck, my good sir; I wager a fuck and a paddling. Am I close? Ana fellates an asparagus spear. The waiter drops in, and Ana realizes she needs to go and have a think. Because her brain is stuffed with more fluff than Winnie-the-Pooh’s.

She tells him she’s leaving. He tries to get her to reconsider. Grey tells her that he thought she was a “natural submissive,” but now that he knows she’s not, he wants to get her to try. By coercing again, of course. “I don’t know any other way . . . This is who I am.” That’s a convenient excuse, and also bullshit. You’re trying to get Ana to be something she’s not, and consider it “roleplay.” Why don’t you role-play being vanilla for a little while, and slowly integrate some of your kink elements? It is just so obnoxious how obvious it is that he just wants to be in control. Grr, this book makes me so angry.

Ana tells him she needs to think, and he thinks this might be the last time he sees her. He escorts her out of the hotel. He asks if he can see her on Sunday, and she says maybe. He gives her his jacket, and is appalled by her car (an old VW Beetle). Which means he’s going to buy her a new one, of course.

As she drives away, she starts to cry. Because she’ll just be a private plaything of a rich fetishist, and she can’t go do normal things one would with a boyfriend. What if she gets dumped after three months? Um, that’s the risk you take in ANY relationship. Oh em gee, it’s so hard! He has such a hold on me, and he’s so sexy and likes to sex me. I don’t know what I want.

Kate is conveniently not home. Grey emailed her, hoping that she says yes. My god, man, leave the drippy girl ALONE for a few hours. I hate both of them, but he really is being a creeper here. In a smart move, Ana just cries some more and doesn’t reply.

As she cries herself to sleep, she remembers all the times he warned her, and she’s happy that they “can chart a new course.” Yeah, you haven’t screwed on his yacht yet; is that next?


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