Fifty Types of Dreck – or, that “book” series everyone loves for some reason – Chapter Ten

Chapter 10. Grey jumps up and tells Ana she needs to get dressed if she wants to meet his mother. He has conveniently forgotten about her hands being tied together. She thinks the pattern it’s made on her wrists is “sexy.” He says, “Another first,” but she’s clueless, as usual. You’re going to meet his mother, don’t you find that weird? However, she’s more concerned with the fact that she hasn’t any clothes. Don’t worry, Moneybags has plenty of clothes.

At any rate, he’s giving her five minutes to join him and his mother. Ana hopes that this meeting will provide a clue to Grey’s behavior. She starts putting on last night’s clothes, with a pair of Grey’s underwear. Her subconscious calls her a “ho.” That “device” is so tired, please make it stop. Unless Ana has multiple personality disorder, and that’s your big reveal?

Grey’s mom is well-dressed, has Doctor in front of her name, and seems relieved to see her son with a woman. Ana’s cell rings during the introductions, and she answers, thinking it’s Kate, but it’s actually José. She sidesteps him in record time, and returns. Don’t worry; you’ll answer for it later. Dr. Mom is talking to her son, but he’s staring at Ana. This is her cue to go, offers her cheek to be kissed, but otherwise doesn’t engage with her son physically. I already see where this is going, but as I’m only 29% complete, we won’t get there for awhile. Much more fuckin’ and floggin’ has to happen first, amIrite? Grey is annoyed that José called. But work interferes. She wonders what his problem is as he barks orders at his lackeys on his phone. ♪You are getting a beat-ing!♪ No, wait, you haven’t signed anything yet.

He gives Ana the contract to read, with plans to discuss the following weekend. He suggests she do some research; “you’ll be amazed what you can find on the internet.” That’s what I’ve been saying this whole time! Oh, she doesn’t have a computer. How con-veen-ient, as the Church Lady used to say. She tells him this, and he says, “I’m sure I can . . . err, lend you one.” He hasn’t hesitated yet with anything else he’s said so far – why would something this simple throw him? Nonsensical.

Ana says she wants to make a call, meaning Kate, but Grey thinks she means José, so he gets all creepy again and tells her, “I don’t like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that,” and flounces off to his bedroom to dress, making a mental note to add “branding the sub with the letter ‘G'” to the contract.

In the time it takes Ana’s tiny brain to wonder why he’s done another 180°, he’s returned and ready to go. I thought you had to get dressed? Taylor wishes them a safe trip, and Ana thinks she detects a “hint of pity” in his eyes; he probably thinks she’s under contract already. She wonders if these “exceptional” sex habits are what everyone is really like in bed. (If that were true, Ana, no one would have written this wish-fulfillment exercise – I mean, book). She wishes she can talk to someone, and Grey is out because he is too moody.

Because she’s deep in thought or just, you know, breathing, she’s biting her lip again. Grey pulls at her chin to separate it from her teeth, telling her that if she doesn’t stop, he will just fuck her in the elevator, no matter who else is there. Um, what happened to the contract? If you can toss it aside so easily, why don’t you? Consider it another “first,” creeptastic.

She tells him she has a problem. You mean with his freaky behavior? No, because she has so many questions about sex, and he’s too close to the situation. She doesn’t “have any terms of reference.” Um, okay, you have a vagina, and Grey has a penis. Put them together and what have you got? Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Seriously, though, the internet has many guides written by health professionals, as well as amateurs. You can’t tell me you have never looked. He rolls his eyes at her, and I agree! He tells her that she can talk to Kate if she has to, but sounds really annoyed by the whole enterprise. He wants her to make sure Kate doesn’t tell his brother anything, and she can only asks about what activities they’ve engaged in so far, adding in a murmur, “She’d probably have my balls if she knew what I wanted to do to you.” And rightly so! Kate knows that Ana is very lacking in self-esteem, seeing as she has to build her up all the time. So . . . then again, Ana runs hot and cold with Kate, so maybe she (Kate) wouldn’t care. Anyway, he can’t wait to have her submit so she’ll stop defying him. She wonders how she’s doing that. You’re getting a degree in English, but you don’t know what words mean, apparently.

He has a sexy, expensive car, on which he’s going to put the top down. In this scene, he’s acting more like a late-twenties guy would, excited about his car and turning up the tunes. Ana sees people looking and a part of her thinks they’re staring at her ho self. Oh em gee, can they tell I’ve been having non-stop sex? she wonders. They’re not looking at you, bitch; you are unimportant.

He asks her if she’s hungry, but she’s not (for food, anyway). He tells her she “must eat.” This must be why she’ll need the personal trainer; he likes to force-feed, but she can’t get fat. Otherwise, what is this food shit?

They pull in at a restaurant, and he orders her a glass of wine, which annoys her. He snaps at her expression; she wanted a soda. He steels (get it?) himself to explain that the wine here is decent and pairs with the meal, with the unspoken assertion of “You are to do what I say, remember?”

Dr. Mom liked Ana, Grey tells her. How could she tell anything? She spoke to her for about two seconds. But, I guess she would like to see Grey with any girl, because his mother thinks he’s gay. He’s never been seen with a woman, until now. It’s been a “weekend of firsts” for him, too.

Ana’s biting her lip again. If this were part of a drinking game, you’d have a good buzz going by this point. She asks what “vanilla sex” is. It’s an air freshener, obviously. He explains, and she ponders, thinking it was “chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on top.” Well, the last part is true, in your case . . .

Ana asks why he’d never been “vanilla,” and here we have a ridiculous explanation for his behavior. His mother’s friend seduced him when he was fifteen, and he was a sub for six years. Yeeeaaah, okay. That’s not sexual abuse at all, for, of course, a fifteen-year-old can give informed consent! This is extremely bothersome; no wonder he turns on these women. How is this erotic, though? Because it’s a guy? I’m sure if the genders were reversed, more people would have their knickers twisted over this little bit of info.

So, he knows both sides of this type of relationship. He never dated anyone in college, because he had his domme, and “she’d have beaten the shit out of” him if he had gone with anyone else. These are his fuzzy memories. And he still sees her, but now they’re just friends. Are women getting off to this part? I really hope not.

Ana needs time to think away from Grey, who’s too distracting. (And coercing). She won’t eat because she’s still processing what he just told her. He orders her again, she tells him to give her a moment, and he relents. Remember, bucko, the contract is still blank; she hasn’t signed it yet. She realizes that this is what it will be like all the time, his giving her orders, and she wonders, “Do I want this?” Chica, if you have to keep asking, the answer is no.

She asks, just to be sure, I suppose (because she is so very dull-witted), if that is what the relationship would be like. Yes, of course, it was the first paragraph of what you read last night, “and what’s more, you’ll want me to,” he says. She thinks, Doubtful. Well, that’s how it goes; if you don’t want it, you don’t sign. But, of course, he’s made it basically impossible for her to say no, because he’s a fucking predator. He coerces her but pretends he isn’t, by saying he really wants this to work. Shut up, Grey, let her get away from you for a few days, and think about it. And then never call you again.

Oh, now we find out what happened to the previous subs – mostly, they were “incompatible” with him. So, he doesn’t see them anymore – but that doesn’t explain if they’re, you know, alive or not. She stops eating because she is too full of information. She watches him eat, which makes her think of the way his pants “hung from his hips.” I am growing annoyed with this phrase – where else would his pants hang? From his nipples? If you mean they sit low on his hips, then say so; otherwise, it’s unnecessary. Anyway, this makes her all hot and bothered and blushy.

He tells her to “come,” to leave the restaurant. Don’t confuse her, man, you were telling her that to let go and orgasm last night. Gonna lead to problems in public. When he drops her off at her place, she gets all emotional and dopey, moreso than usual. He kisses her hand and opens the car door for her. She tells him that she’s wearing his underwear and shows him. He’s surprised by this, I guess because he didn’t order her to do that. “My inner goddess is thrilled.” I killed your inner goddess, Miss Steele; she was annoying and contrived and had to die.

Ana goes inside to find Kate packing for their move. She seems anxious about her friend, and Ana is a bit annoyed that she is so persistent, and that she can’t talk about it because of the non-disclosure agreement. “It’s not a healthy mix.” Um, none of this is really healthy, but anyway.

Kate wants to know how it was, suddenly all grins and forgetting that she told Ana that Grey was dangerous for the likes of her. She’s shy and blushing, and how is this different from how you are normally? She tells Kate it was “very good, I think.” Because she has nothing to compare it to, remember? Did you forget she was a virgin forty-eight hours previous? Yeah, I did, too.

Kate wants to know if she had an orgasm, which makes Ana “go scarlet,” because she’s so blunt. Wait, what other color would Ana turn, azure? She’s exasperated that Kate is asking her these questions – seriously, Ana, you suck as a friend. Kate is happy for her, because lots of people don’t have an orgasm their first time (or second, or third, or ever) and she is proof. Kate’s first time was awful, and it took her a year of trying. Ana’s inner goddess is smarmy. Ana is a bitch, secretly lording it over her friend that she had a better first time than Kate.

She tells Kate that she and Grey are having dinner on Wednesday, but she’s not sure about their future, for Grey is “very complicated,” which Kate thinks has to do with money. Kate tells her that Elliot said it is “unusual” for Christian to be seen dating. Ana is too obvious with her high-pitched “Did he?” She remembers the non-disclosure agreement and wonders what the penalty is; you shouldn’t have to Google it, because you should have, I don’t know, READ THE FUCKING THING BEFORE YOU SIGNED IT?

Ana tries to get the attention off of herself by asking Kate about Elliot. “Oh, I can feel myself relaxing for the first time since I was in line at the bar . . . happy uncomplicated days.” You know, there is a way to make your life UNcomplicated – don’t get involved with Christian Grey. She’s surprised to see Kate blush over a man. But, apparently, Elliot is really good, and he’s even offered to help them move. Which, of course, Ana has conveniently forgotten about, what with her being selfish and all.

Ana tells Kate she’s “overwhelmed. Christian is very intense.” Understatement of the century. And now she’s going to cook, to evade further questioning. But Kate wants to know where the expensive books should go; back to Grey, apparently. You know he’s not going to let you do that. And Ana has internships for publishing houses, conveniently located in Seattle. And she will be without Kate in the new apartment for two weeks due to a family trip – also known as an easy way to get rid of the best friend so Ana won’t have to answer questions about her new dog collar.

And then José calls her. Blah, blah, forgiveness, blah blah, permanent friend-zoning; she isn’t seeing anyone, and it’s none of his business where she spends the night. It’s not about the money, and how dare he! Maybe they’ll have coffee tomorrow. Wait until Grey finds out . . .

Kate wants to know what happened. She mildly says José “made a pass” at her. Um, from the way you were over-reacting the other night, you think you’d have said much worse. Anyway, they eat a leisurely dinner, and Ana wonders what Grey’s deal is with food. Elliot calls, and Kate skips away, leaving Ana to flip through TV channels and wonder what it is about these men that they find so irresistible. As I recall, it’s because he’s attractive and has pants that hang from his hips. He’s also rich and can buy you anything you want, and all you have to do is give up all your self-control.

What is she going to do? José needs handling, but that’s easy. I’m sure Grey can make him disappear. But Grey is so complicated, with his abuse history and subsequent love of floggers . . . does she really want more insight into his world? Now that she’s had sex, she’s like a junkie, and doesn’t want to give that up. Remember, dumbass, it’s not going to be like that again – he’s going to control you and bridle that sensuality.

Kate returns and says goodnight, and that she’s glad Ana is back and safe. There’s “something about” him, and Ana wonders how she knows – I doubt she knows what you’re REALLY getting into. Ana goes to her room and pulls out the contract. Whatta cliffhanger!

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