Fifty Types of Dreck – or, that “book” series everyone loves for some reason – Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine. Ana awakes and studies Grey, who’s still asleep. She wants to touch him, but decides not to. Probably a good idea. She gets out of bed because she needs the bathroom. You seriously haven’t gone all night? Aren’t you worried about an infection? She looks at herself in the mirror, assessing if she looks different. She’s sore – to which I say, no shit.

She also forgot to text Kate. You’re a good friend – too busy getting fucked by a stranger to let her know that you haven’t been abducted. As far as we know, anyway. Ana realizes that she needs time to think – that’s very smart. But for now, she puts her hair in pigtails and decides to make herself some breakfast. She ruminates whilst she cooks. She thinks about last night. She considers the “indecent proposal from King Misfit,” and wonders why he is the way he is.

And here comes King Misfit now! He teases her about her dancing. He tells her that her pigtails won’t protect her. Why does she keep referring to him as “Bluebeard” in her mind? Why is he a pirate? I have a feeling there was supposed to be something else here, and sloppy editing didn’t catch the rest. He sets the table as she cooks. Grey wants to know how sore she is; this embarrasses her. Get used to the personal questions, cause it’s kind of part of the deal. He wants to know if she wants to continue basic training. “Oral skills” are what he has in mind, considering she’s sore from last night. Get out your index cards! I hope the next class is Technical Writing . . . She has to be home this evening. He tells her to eat. He gets weird about “wasted food.” Another bi-polarish outburst.

Kate calls her, but she can’t talk, not only because oh em gee, he’s right THERE, but there’s also that pesky non-disclosure agreement. Ana knows there’s no way that Kate isn’t going to try to get the info from her. She asks Grey if she can ask Kate some questions about “sex mechanics,” not mentioning the “Red Room of Pain.” He argues that it’s more about pleasure. Yes, for you, but there IS some pain involved in that for her. And, he doesn’t want her to talk to Kate because she’s fucking his brother. His family doesn’t know about his kinks. He wants to know how last night was. “Good,” she says. That’s it? That’s all you have to say, Miss Oh-my-holy-cow?

They take a bath together. He sits behind her and soaps her up, then begins rubbing the washcloth against her naughty bits (which sounds the exact opposite of hot), but stops her short of climax. He wants her to wash him, specifically, to get used to his Earl Grey, which he introduces to her (bobbling out of the water) as his “most important part.” Ego much? After a little bit of hand-grasping she gets brave and introduces her mouth. Firstly, you didn’t wash off the soap and if you got any in his urethra, I understand that is very painful for guys. Secondly, you didn’t wash off the soap, so now it’s in your mouth. Still feeling delectable? Of course, for someone who has never done this before, she can get his Earl very far and has no gag reflex whatsoever. This is so implausible, but this is porn, so that’s generally how this goes, right? “He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.” Um, NO, just NO. With that line, any vestiges of possibility of being interested in this story fly away.

They get out after he’s done, and he wraps her in a towel. She can’t touch him again. He tells her she gets an “A in oral skills.” That’s hot. Giggety. He entreats her to say yes to the agreement. She doesn’t answer, but he “owes her an orgasm” so he heads her to the bedroom, ties her wrists with a tie, kisses down to her feet, does weird things to her feet, then heads uptown a little ways, gives her an orgasm, then as she’s still reeling from that, enters her and starts fucking. First, you lied, cause she’s still sore and you said you wouldn’t go there, and second, real people do not climax this much, this quickly. There is a point where it starts to get uncomfortable to continue – just saying.

Afterwards, he says again that he wants her to be his. Could you do a little more coaxing, please? I don’t think you’ve attempted to coerce her nearly enough in this chapter. But, before we get any response from Ana, they hears voices outside his door. His conscience, come home at last! It’s his assistant, Taylor, trying to stop someone from coming in. The woman’s voice mentions “my son.” Who could it be? Grey helpfully tells us that it’s his mother, who apparently, can just waltz into the compound unannounced.

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