Fifty Types of Dreck – or, that “book” series everyone loves for some reason – Chapter Five

Chapter Five. Ana wakes up alone in a strange bed. As she starts to focus, she realizes she’s at the hotel (where they did the photo shoot). She remembers all the embarrassing shit she did (to recap, binge-drinking, drunk-dialling, and riding the Vomit Comet). Her jeans are missing. He’s left her orange juice and Advil. Are you sure?

Grey saunters in and she’s dumb because he’s all sweaty. She asks how she ended up in the hotel. He was afraid she’d mess up his leather seats if he drove her to her place, so . . . How considerate. Yes, he undressed her. She wants to know if they did it, but she can’t quite say it. He prefers his women “sentient and receptive.” And also, tied up and probably gagged. (Maybe even Roofied).

He kind of makes fun of her, and now he’s a “bastard.” Her tone has changed a bit; I call sloppy writing. “I didn’t ask him to come and get me.” But, you did open that door by calling him, so stuff it, sister. She’s annoyed that he tracked her down. Grey replies that if he hadn’t, she and José would probably have hooked up, but he uses the phrase “pressing his suit.” This amuses her, and me as well, but for different reasons. She tells him he sounds like a knight, and he mentions “dark knight.” He’s totally Batman! I called that pages ago. Patrick Bateman by day, Batman by night (but much less honorable and very creepy).

Dumbass Ana didn’t eat last night. No wonder you got that sick, Grey says, and we agree on something! Also, your friends are douches for not getting you food or checking up on you, really. She wants to know if Grey is going to keep scolding her. Yes, because you are a child. No, he says that she should consider herself lucky that’s all he’s doing. “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week.” Of course, because she’s criminally naive, she only listens to one-half of that sentence, and surprise, it’s the wrong half. Now, instead of wondering at how abusive that sounds and whether she should get involved with him, she thinks about being his, and this “subconscious/inner goddess doing random activity” needs to stop. It’s annoying as hell. Perhaps she thinks the “not sitting down” part means he’ll hide all the chairs.

Grey continues to admonish her, which makes her call him a “disciplinarian,” and he tells her she has no idea. His smile makes her stop being angry. Awesome, so you’re both bipolar; you’re made for each other.

He asks her if she’d like to shower first. this causes her to nearly choke to death. Since she doesn’t answer, he goes first. She wants to join him, and realizes that this is desire. You’ve really never felt it before? You don’t have to have a “real” person to fancy to feel desire . . . Are you sure you’re from this planet? With all the books you’ve supposedly read, too. No one is this innocent.

And, while I’m on a sidebar, Grey does not read like a twenty-seven-year-old, either. He seems more like someone in his late thirties, maybe early forties. Like someone going through a mid-life crisis. The way he talks, et cetera. But anyway.

Ana muses in bed while Grey is gone. He’s so confusing because he rejected her, then gave her gifts, then tracked her down in questionably legal ways. That’s not confusing, that’s insane! she goes on that she feels safe and that he’s a “white knight,” blah blah, romantic blinders.

She’s looking for her pants when Grey re-enters the scene. The pants were puked on, so he had to have them cleaned. Okay, NOW you may blush, as that is a suitably mortifying reaction. He obtained some new clothes for her, which she takes and high-tails to the shower, where her latent sexuality begins to emerge amid the steam clouds. She’s got it bad for Grey now, but he won’t touch her. What’s wrong with me? she wonders. I was in his bed all night, and he didn’t touch meee! Um, you were passed out, remember? That would be considered assault. I guess he’s not a 100% creep, just 98%.

Ana begins lathering and fantasizing – you really have never done this before? But breakfast is ready, so you’ll have to go spelunking later. The new underthings are lacy and fancy (read: expensive), and of course, they fit perfectly. That is the true fantasy. She dresses and goes looking for Grey.

The suite is huge and fancy, of course. It reminds her of a tennis court. Kate plays tennis. She says her name aloud, remembering that she was supposed to call her. Grey tells her that Kate knows she’s okay; he sent his brother a text. Which means Kate hooked up with him. Kinky.

Grey orders her to sit and eat. He ordered some different foods, because he didn’t know what she would want, and besides, do you gather yet that he is wealthy? He scolds her about her wet hair. He compliments her on the color of her shirt, then scolds her when she doesn’t reply. She says she should offer to pay for the clothes. Keep digging, Ana!

Which leads us to why Grey bought her the books. He thought he owed “an apology and a warning.” For he’s not a “romantic” type. He warns her away again. Even though he can’t seem to stay away from her. Yes, we can see that, Stalker McTrouble. Ana says he shouldn’t stay away, then. You really don’t know what you’re getting into.

She asks him if he’s celibate, which we know the answer to that question. What are her plans? he wants to know. To move to Seattle, not far from Grey, as contrivance would have it. She didn’t apply to his company, though. She smirks at him, which leads him to say he wants to bite her lip. She challenges him to do so. Not without her written consent! She doesn’t understand, of course. Grey wants to discuss it over dinner, because “once you’re enlightened, you probably won’t want to see me again.” That sounds like cult talk; once you see the True Way . . .

Again, she doesn’t understand, thinking of white slavery and organized crime. Which perhaps he’s also into – but that’s not what this book is about.

Of course, Mr. Moneybags has a helicopter. He’s going to pick her up from work and then they’ll fly to Seattle. He yells at her to eat. You’re the one who ordered all that fucking food, control freak! You eat some, too. Now he’s pissy, like a little boy who can’t get his way. She finds this funny, but won’t cop to it when asked.

When she finishes her pancakes, he says, “Good girl.” I shudder. I’m surprised he doesn’t pat her head or tousle her hair into the bargain. When she gets up, she wonders if she should have asked permission, but that “sounds like a dangerous precedent to set.” Could this author bludgeon us with the obvious any more, seriously?

Ana wants to know where Grey slept. In the same bed, which was a “novelty,” because, apparently, he doesn’t do that. Little Miss Innocent doesn’t get it. Does that mean he doesn’t sleep? Is he a vampire?

But then, she eyes his toothbrush, and thinks about using it. She touches the bristles and finds they’re still damp. Boundaries, woman! “It would be like having him in my mouth.” Is it penis-flavored? Cause otherwise, I don’t think you know what you’re saying. And then she brushes her teeth. Miss Steele, if you’re nasty. And you ARE nasty.

She ties her hair back and Grey watches her. Yeah, he probably doesn’t like that, and your contract will reflect that.

Anyway, no one’s in the elevator, and Grey gets daring. She’s biting her lip again, and he says, “Fuck the paperwork,” and begins to maul her. He pulls her hair down to push her face up – that sounds painful. “I have never been kissed like this.” Has anyone? And also, wait, you said you had NEVER been kissed, ever, a chapter or so ago. Which is it? Or do the other ones suddenly not count, because they weren’t from Grey? She feels his hardness against her. Oh, my. But then, more people get on so he pushes her away.

After the businessmen leave, he finds out that she used his toothbrush. He makes a mental note to sent his errand-boy out for another one; or, if he doesn’t, he SHOULD. “What am I going to do with you?” he says. Presumably, hog-tie her, tape her mouth up, and pound her into paste, yes?

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