Fifty Types of Dreck – or, that “book” series everyone loves for some reason – Chapter Two

Chapter Two. As Ana leaves, she nearly falls again. She tries to calm her irrational loins by leaning against a steel pillar – shouldn’t that be a Grey pillar? She mentally replays the interview as she heads back. He’s so arrogant, but does he have a right to be? We don’t care!

She drives cautiously because he warned her to be careful. We get it – he has a hold on her already. And he’s almost paternal, so she has Daddy issues.

Her friend asks her how it went, and we find out that Grey is supposed to be twenty-seven years old. Ana goes to her part-time job at a hardware store, and for a second time tells us that she prefers a book and a comfy chair. What a coincidence, so do I . . . just not this one. I’m 3% through this book and it’s pissing me off mightily already.

Kate is pleased with the interview, and muses why Ana didn’t take Grey up on the offer to be shown around. Ana blushes, and then tries to play it off like it’s no big thang, she runs into poorly-described hot guys all the time. Then flushes again when Kate calls him a “good looking son of a bitch.” Seriously, do you have any other mode than easily-embarrassed-teenager? I’m surprised she’s not chomping gum and saying, “Like, shut up!” She admits to Kate that he’s “scary but very charismatic.” A perfect cult leader. She’s like, sooo mortified that she asked him if he was gay. Kate seems to think that Grey was “quite taken with” Ana, to which she’s like, “Get out!” I’m surprised Ana doesn’t shove her!

The rest of the week passes. Ana calls her mother, who is flightier than a sparrow, apparently, and then her step-dad, who doesn’t talk that much. Hmm, why don’t we just call our annoying protagonist Bella Swan, as that’s pretty much what she is, except for the “lusting after vampires” bit; and, even that could be made to stick, as Christian Grey seems like an emotional vampire . . .

Then her friend, Jacob – I mean, José comes to visit, with alcohol in tow. Her best buddy is not a Native American, but he is a minority, and her step-dad and his father are friends. Are you a werwolf, too?

They tease each other, then José tells her that his photos are going to be in an exhibit. He invites her to the opening, then hastily amends the invitation to include Kate. Ana tells us that José wants to be more than friends, but she only has fraternal feelings for him. She hasn’t met anyone who moves her yet – until Christian Grey, her ham-fisted subconscious informs her (and us). But no. The embarrassment over her line of questioning still lingers, and that’s why she keeps dreaming about him, right? Right?

She thinks José is “pretty hot,” but he’s not a bad boy. Not like Grey, apparently, so she’s not interested. Ana is fairly convinced that José knows that they’re just friends. Hark! I hearest thy knock, Foreshadowing.

The next day she’s at work, and to what do her wondering eyes should appear but Christian Grey. He stares at her whilst she sits behind the counter, working figures or something. Of course, he was in the neighborhood (read: stalker). “His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel . . . or something.” Yeah, let’s go with “something,” because I can’t make heads or tails of that simile. More blushing. Oh em gee, he’s here! My breathtaking Adonis amongst hammers and buzz saws. Or something.

Ana attempts to remain professional. Mr. Grey apparently does need some things – first up, cable ties. Sadist, indeed. He requests for her to lead the way – oh, you dog! More blushing from the chickie – grow the fuck up already! She wonders why he’s here in Portland as she shows him the location of the ties. A small part of her wishes it’s for her. Don’t worry – the cable ties probably are. She dashes that idea, for she’s ordinary, and no one ever wants her. José wants you, but that doesn’t count, I guess. Edward tells Bella – I mean, Christian tells Ana that he was visiting the university campus. See? her brain mocks her, it wasn’t for you. Right, and you believe everything this guy says? You don’t really know him.

The cable ties he selects “will do,” and then he seeks masking tape. She asks if he’s redecorating, and he smirks as he says no. She feels like she’s fourteen; that’s because you are a nitwit most of the time. He selects the wider width of tape. They accidentally touch, and it’s electric – boogie woogie woo-gie. She feels it, “all the way down to somewhere dark and unexplored, deep in my belly.” Again, that’s not your belly. Does Miss Shug need to get you a mirror?

And now, some rope, five yards of natural filament, for those playing along at home. He watches her cut and tie the rope, then asks if she were ever a Girl Scout. Not her thing. What is, then? he wants to know, with a predator’s smile. Books. What kind? he asks, probably trying to feel out whether she’s perused 100 Days of Sodom.

He asks what else she would recommend for DIY projects. Coveralls, apparently. So as not to ruin one’s clothes. Because, of course, the thought of cavorting around naked hasn’t crossed her mind. Which he pretty much tells her. And she blushes. AGAIN. For someone who is attending a public uni, she is very sheltered and naive. Too naive. It annoys me. You can’t be this innocent in the age of the Internet.

He asks about the article. She mentions photos. He says he’s free the next day. She mentions her friend and suddenly he looks lost. Gee, I wonder why. He gives her his cell phone number, and tells her to call before ten am, as he’s a very busy man, what with his rope-tying and taping.

Then the store owner’s brother, Paul, calls for her, which makes Mr. Gwey make a fwowny face, for no one is more important than he. Paul hugs Ana and drapes an arm around her, which seems to bother Grey more. She introduces them, but that doesn’t seem to help. They are cold and distant, and Grey extends this attitude to Ana after Paul leaves. Isn’t he weirding you out yet, chica, with his stares and his moodiness?

He asks her if she’ll call about the shoot, but very business-like. But, as he turns to leave, he tells her that he’s glad Kate was unable to do the interview, then smiles and walks away. Bipolar much?

She likes him. There, she admits it. Right, because it was so subtle before! Oh, but he’ll never like me like that, she muses, but at least I can crush from afar.

This has only been Chapter Two. Need more stamina.

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1 Comment

Filed under romance novel

One response to “Fifty Types of Dreck – or, that “book” series everyone loves for some reason – Chapter Two

  1. “shouldn’t that be a Grey pillar?”

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