Monthly Archives: November 2011

Caution: Christian nuttery ahead (Out of Harm’s Way, Part Two)

Chapter One, To the Gates of Hell, recounts for us how Jacky became a Christian. Blah blah blah, failed the bar exam, blah blah blah, made his wife miserable, blah bling blah, went to church, read C.S. Lewis, became transformed. Ta-Da! Magic!

He also dogs on Janet Reno putting her feet up on her desk while she was interviewing him for the State Attorney’s office back in the day. Oh, and that she’s a cop-hater. We’ll get back to Janet Reno later in the book.

I love how surprised he was to go to a church in Miami where people were wearing shorts. Um, it’s Florida and it gets fucking hot. What else do you need to know? “I wondered if I had wandered into a hippie commune.” But he knows better, because Richard Nixon went to this Presbyterian church back in the day, and we know how he felt about hippies, yes sirree bob!

So, this new pastor is a revelation, and he talks to Jack and gives him Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis to read, and just like that, he’s a Jesus freak, ready to enter the gates of hell.

Chapter Two – Trial Run. So, with the help of Jasus, Thompson finally passes his bar exam and begins to work in various places. Nothing seems to satisfy him, and then he begins to take medical malpractice cases, one of which “taught [him] more about human nature than medicine or law.” It was a case of a stillborn birth, and in the midst of attempting to resuscitate the infant, it was discovered that the patient had actually been carrying twins. Apparently, the doctor told the nurses to stop trying to save the “dead” baby and help with the second. But, the child was not dead! So, the doctor tried to cover his tracks, but a woman that was full of faith and God and Jesus’ good lovin’ risked her job to defy the doctor’s orders (of course, he has to mention it’s a Christian woman; no heathens, or worse, Jews would have done as much).

Thompson is at a loss for what he should do with his life. So, he does what any other rational being would do and goes to a counselor, Christian, of course, who asks him, “What is it you think God is calling you to do?”

He wanted to be radical and used by god for a higher purpose, to help others, even if it meant putting HIMSELF in harm’s way. He knows that sounds “egomaniacal,” and it does! So, his vocational counselor tells him to pray on it and he does. He opens his own law practice and then makes a fateful decision one day. To listen to the radio.

And it changed his life . . . forever. I’ve heard that Phil Collins can have the effect on people . . .

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Caution: Christian nuttery ahead (Out of Harm’s Way, Part One)

So, dearest readers, whaddaya get when you cross the religious nuttery of Phil Phillips with a law degree?

Jack Thompson.

If you have no idea who he is, Jack Thompson was an attorney (he was disbarred in 2008, due to allegations of professional misconduct.This is all on Wikipedia with links, by the way) who feels that need to protect the chilluns, and his major bugbear is video games and the violence contained therein. Because of course, ALL video games are bad and make kids kill other kids, right? He’s also done some other shit, which he trumpets in the book.

Right away, the DEDICATION pisses me off. It reads:

To Kayce Steger, Jessica James, and Nicole Hadley, killed on December 1, 1997, in Paducah, Kentucky, by a video gamer in what was supposed to be a safe place, your school. When I die, I shall read this book to you in heaven. It was written for you.

A video gamer. The kid couldn’t have just been a violent and crazy individual, no, it’s those vidja games! They’re ruining society!

In his introduction, Thompson takes umbrage with the fact that some of his fellow Christians prefer to just “let go and let god,” whereas he knows that he was called to be a “social crusader,” fighting for truth, justice, and god’s way! Human beings really shouldn’t worry about anything, he advises, then quotes from the gospel of Matthew the famous lines about the lilies of the field and the birds not having to worry about their next meals because god takes care of them, and he takes care of you, as well. This is why there aren’t any starving, homeless religious people.

However, right away, we see what a hypocrite Thompson is, as he tells his readers that they shouldn’t worry about anything, for god is in control, but yet, Jack feels that he needs to take control of the culture that is ruining our children. Contradictory, much?

Finally, I have a pervy moment when he mentions the movie Chariots of Fire and the quote, “God made me fast, and when I run, I feel His pleasure.” Well, Thompson says this quote applies to him, as well. “God gave me this mission, and when I act upon it, I feel His pleasure.” So read along with me. Perhaps you may also feel God’s pleasure, too. There’s plenty to go around after all.

Jesus is coming. Someone get a towel.

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Phillips strikes again! (Halloween and Satanism, Part Nine) – The Conclusion

Chapter 10 – Playing with Fire. Balaam in the Bible became a false prophet; beware of him. Study your Bible and his story so you can avoid the same traps. Even though you might well be as mentally and spiritually deranged as he.

He next cites a destruction of a Mennonite church in Pennsylvania, in great detail. Even though the “Satanic symbol,” 666, was written on certain things, doesn’t mean it was necessarily the work of Satanists. Could have been some wannabe punk kids, too! It mentions that “hundreds of cone-shaped paper cups” were left behind. Perhaps the participants were wildly drunk and stupid kids. Not everything is Satan, ya know. Most times, it’s the free will of the stupid.

Hearken to the story of Roberta, who wrote a book entitled Escape from Witchcraft, a supposed autobiography where she got caught in the clutches of witchcraft – that is to say, Satanism, because they are both the same thing to an uninformed fundie Christian. Here is an excerpt from the book that I found:

I dressed myself in black, cursing like a mad woman. “He will die for that. I’ll destroy him. He’ll suck the wrath of hell!” I ran around the house chanting, “Give me power. Draw it up out of my soul from the very roots of hell.”

Suddenly I fell on my knees. Realization poured over me. The powers that I had thought were my own gifts were really the devious tricks of the devil. Tricks used to trap me. My powers were produced by and rooted in evil. For almost three years I had blindly claimed these powers as my own, never realizing whose puppet I had become.

The sound of thunder echoed within the walls of my mind and a voice crackled, “You stupid fool. Where do you think you got your power from?” It laughed. “Not yourself.” And laughed again. “I’m not through with you.”

I screamed aloud, hoping I could hear my own voice above the other. “I’m crazy. I’m crazy. Kill me, I’m crazy.” I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a butcher knife, ready to slash my wrists.

Suddenly I froze as the voice continued, “I’m not through with you. You’ve just begun. So do as I say.” And the next thing I knew, I, Roberta Blankenship, bowed down on my knees, raised my arms into the air, and said, “Satan, you are my master and my prince. Use me as you will. I am yours.”

With that I fell flat on the floor and cried, “The devil is real.”

How horrible – the writing, that is!

Or what about Elaine? Remember I spoke of a Doctor Rebecca Brown who lost her medical license? Elaine, whom she claimed to cure from demonic illness, was actually her roommate, and the entire story embodied in Brown’s book was made up. It was later made into comics by Jack Chick, yes, the very same Chief Engineer on the train to Crazytown. Perhaps He Came to Set the Captives Free (Brown’s book) may make a spotlight entry on this here site at a later date. It sounds too fucked up not to be! But essentially, the good “doctor” helped the demonized woman (who claimed that she had married Satan) to spiritual deliverance. Aw, a happy ending! (except not).

There were a few more chapters, but it’s the same shit about putting on the armor of god and all that nonsense. Tune in next time when we take a look at Out of Harm’s Way, by Jack Thompson!

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Phillips strikes again! (Halloween and Satanism, Part Eight)

Chapter 9 – Satanic Symbols and Rituals. This chapter mainly consists of “symbols of darkness,” by which he means the Satanic lingo. Yes, words such as “circle” and “charm” apparently do not have mundane or secular definitions anymore. He then copies some rituals from The Satanic Rituals, and what does it all really mean? I cannot find the definitions for such items as “Ty tchortu ogonyok!” so how do you know that it’s really bad?

So that the witches are not left out, he gives some examples from a Book of Shadows, even though “The Book of Shadows is kept a secret.” So, how did you get this? The Great Rite means “making ritual love,” in case you wanted to know.

Finally, some “warning signs.” Of what? That your child or loved one is taking the path to Satan? I assume that is what he means, although it’s written directly after a ritual for consecrating an athame. There are six in total:

1. Presence of books on the occult, witchcraft, or Satanism, particularly The Satanic Bible and/or Satanic Rituals.

Right, because you obviously can’t just be interested for the sake of interest, right? What about you, Philly? You obviously “read” a lot on the subject; what does that mean for you?

2. Presence of heavy metal albums by groups who promote Satanism or the occult, such as Motely Crue or Ozzie Osborne.

I just laugh at this one. Ozzie is a kook, and maybe he bit the head of a bat, but you’re putting Motley Crue in the same league. Hell naw.

3. Occult or Satanic symbols appearing on clothing, or books, or in drawings; sometimes a teenager will even draw pictures of rituals.

So, don’t worry if your five-year-old starts chanting the Lord’s Prayer backwards and draws pentagrams on your walls . . . he’ll grow out of it.

4. A seeming fascination with murder, suicide, or death in general.

Don’t try suicide; nobody cares. Also, lots of teenagers become fascinated by death. It’s a rite of passage! Doesn’t mean that they’re blowing Satan.

5. Secretiveness, particularly on a consistent basic.

More likely, masturbation is the cause!

6. An arrogant attitude combined with hostility when referring to Christianity, the Bible, church, etc.

Could just be someone who is exasperated with your holier-than-thou attitude. Like me!!

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Phillips strikes again! (Halloween and Satanism, Part Seven)

Chapter 8 – Modern Day Witchcraft. My time for this loan is running short, and there are still a few chapters to go, but it seems the further I get, the crazier Phillips becomes.

To recap, witches are bad, mmmkay? Then he segues into modern Satanism, which is NOT the same thing, you idiot. He quotes from the Satanic Bible. Dude, you picked it up and read from it? Jesus is gonna be so pissed!

Phillips tells us that Satanists hate humility and purity, and love cruelty and lust. “To the Christian, to delight in all pleasures of the senses is sinful and unclean.” All? So, that would mean that, say, enjoying a good meal is “sinful and unclean;” hope you don’t take wifey out to nice restaurants for your anniversary, because then you are completely disobeying god – according to your skewed worldview, that is.

Aleister Crowley is up next, who “resisted faith in Christ and turned to Satan.” Actually, he formed his own kooky theosophy, but apparently, the hand of Satan was in it. And his father was a preacher, too; more’s the pity! Continue reading

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Phillips strikes again! (Halloween and Satanism, Part Six)

Chapter 7 – Black Mass and Black Magic. Phillips tells us little is known of the early history of the black mass. Somehow, however, he knows lots about the contemporary history of said ritual and how it is performed: over the altar is an upside-down cross and a picture of the devil. The priest throws a cross to the floor and shouts “Shemhaforash,” which, apparently, is a bastardization of a Hebrew word meaning “the explicit name.” Then the “priest” spits on the cross and and says “Hail Satan,” replete with an obscene gesture. Then the attendees repeat the Lord’s prayer backwards. Where does Phillips get this information? From a book called Occult Shock and Psychic Forces, which I’m inclined to discount in one breath when I consider that they deem YOGA an occult practice. (And they are not alone in this – do a Google search on “yoga occult” and see what you find. I say, give me a fucking break).

He cites a long description by Rollo Ahmed, an Egyptian occultist who wrote at length on such ceremonies in his book The Black Art. Not sure how true any of it is, although I don’t see much really debunking him on the internet, and we all know how much people love to debunk (and put forth) theories! I’m assuming the “oracle of the bleeding head” story is from the same book, but there is no citation. Apparently, Catherine de’Medici was a participant in this, which involved the decapitation of a child blessed of great beauty and purity. Continue reading

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Phillips strikes again! (Halloween and Satanism, Part Five)

(Yes, Halloween is dead and buried for the year, but this book really only has a tangential connection to Halloween, so I’ve decided to stick it out and finish it). Chapter Six – Satan is Alive and Well. Yes, and he wrote this book! This chapter concerns itself with types of witchcraft, and didn’t he cover this already? Witches carried cooking pots and would make brews in the woods! Look, here’s a recipe from Macbeth. Shakespeare is historical fact now – you learned it here first.

Witches have familiars, or companions, traditionally the black cat, but blackbirds, crows, toads and frogs were also possibilities. “As late as the 19th century, cases are recorded, in Russia, that peasant women were ordered by their masters to nurse bear cubs that were being reared for sport.” Wha? I can’t find anything on this at all, and he references no sources.

This book confuses the hell out of me, because I am not sure what he’s really going for here. He writes all this history about witches, but is he informing the populace that this is stuff to watch out for in the present? What is the purpose of speaking of Isabel Gowdie, for example? He also mentions Anne-Marie de Georgel, a Frenchwoman who confessed (under torture) that she had had sex with the devil. This apparently was a forgery, but again, does that matter to Phillips? Hell naw.

Italian witchcraft is in two forms, fortune-telling and potion-making. Both are evil. Swedish witchcraft is how Ikea manages to squeeze a buncha furniture in those makeshift 987 square-foot houses. Bork bork bork! Or something.

To be ignorant of Satan’s devices is death! And by “devices,” he means gigantic wang.

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