Interlude – The Romance Novel

I have some new books lined up, but they’re at distant libraries and haven’t yet come in to my local branch. While we’re waiting, how about some romance novel mockery?

Let me tell you, I just love the sexist drivel that is the romance novel. And perhaps you might think these are easy targets because of that. Yet, the poor writing and recycled plots still have a unique . . . awfulness to them that is hard to ignore.

The books I have currently are free excerpts I received some time ago. Back in 2005, I was grocery shopping when I heard two words that always make me freeze in my tracks: “free samples.” Hoping that some food was to be had, I sauntered by the table, where a girl shoved a stack of papers in my hand. My first reaction was, “Oh, shit, are these Bible tracts?”

No, they were worse. Or better. Depends upon one’s point of view, I guess. It was a whole bunch of stuff, but for our purposes here, the newsletter and two mini-books from Harlequin/Silhouette were the only things of importance. When I realized what I had been given, I nearly tossed them aside, but even then, I had hopes of doing something with them (the faint glimmers of this blog were sparkling even then)!

So, in a throwback to the past, and to whet your appetite for the actual samples of books (two whole chapters apiece!), I leave you with my ripping of the newsletter from the CEO of Harlequin Enterprises. Stay tuned for more!

From the Dumpster Desk of Donna Hayes

Janitor Publisher & CEO of Harlequin Enterprises Limited

Dear Reader Loyal Minion Reader,

Harlequin has been defining drivel romance for over 50 years, and it’s incredible that you bitches still eat it by the fistful like it’s candy in 2005, we continue to redefine series romance and broaden our offerings of women’s fiction [which is where all of the women are stupid and boring, and manage to get equally stupid and boring, yet really buff, men] and inspirational fiction [which is just like women’s fiction, but they throw some God in there].

In January, DVD features came to books with our Signature launch – a new single-title romance fiction program specifically designed to bring you more of the authors and characters you use for toilet roll cherish. Whether you are enthralled with family sagas, miniseries, or special collections, this lineup does not deliver on its promises, and you’re much better off reading real literature delivers all these myriad tales of romance [that are somehow always exactly the same] . . . and much more [lies, all of it]!

NOW, THIS JULY GET READY FOR EVEN MORE NEW AND EXCITING CHANGES. [We have to print this in all caps because we’re hurting for buyers].

More Harelquin Blaze! The sizzling Harlequin Blaze line turns up the heat from four to six titles each and every month. [More to line your birdcage with]!

NEW from Steeple Hill Many of you have enjoyed our Love Inspired line for years. [Love. so inspirational!] Now, for those seeking gripping inspirational fiction [Will Chelsea abandon God for the strapping new gardener? Or will she be able to balance the two? A fierce quasi-religious love triangle. Hot-cha]!, our new Love Inspired Suspense line guarantees riveting inspirational romance and thrills. [If you have to use the same word more than once in a sentence, you have problems].

What’s Next? Harlequin NEXT – relationship novels about women redefining their dreams [read: taking younger men to bed while hoping their husband doesn’t catch them]. These stories about the choices women make in their lives are going to make for an extraordinarily boring line because it’s so much the same, just like everything else we publishdifferent. Harlequin NEXT also shows how the company is focused on broadening our range of patience.

As always, Harlequin remains committed to publishing the books you would never want to read and we look forward to sharing them with you dim-bulb bitches.

Donna Hayes


1 Comment

Filed under romance novel

One response to “Interlude – The Romance Novel

  1. EXCITING CHANGES!!! I can hardly wait to see what the Harlequin Autowriter 5000 comes up with next! Maybe they’ll seed some new random numbers into his matrices!

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