Ah, Phil Phillps, we meet again, with your perfect coif and “soulful” eyes staring out from the back cover of your book that bashed every inch of my childhood. BWP readers: if you are new, or would like a refresher on this guy, please turn to this page, and reacquaint yourself. Then please return for fresh hell.
Chapter 8 – Cute and Innocent?
This is where the spelunking begins in earnest. Philly Boy will now take us through the virtual toy store of the 1980s, and explain just what he finds wrong with every “cute and innocent” toy available. He claims not to be condemning parents for letting their kids play with these reviled toys, merely making them aware of “subtle influences.” Yes, so subtle, in fact, that no one was aware of them until he, as God’s supposed emissary, pointed them out to easily-swayed parents everywhere!
By the way, in case you were wondering, he does not advocate burning the cute and innocent . . . toys, that is. He wants parents to go to toy stores, to study and decide whether such items are in line with scripture, before they open their wallets. (And should your child be with you in said store, tugging on your arm and begging for Beast Man, he is obviously in league with Old Nick himself, and must be destroyed).
The danger, you see, is not necessarily the molded plastic, made-in-China toy itself; rather, the “occult” images that the toy represents and which are shown to the child through various media. Please recall that the “occult” in the Phil Phillips lexicon is “that which does not embrace Christian tenets.” Supposedly, a question he is often asked is, “Why are so many toys and cartoons today based on occult symbolisms [sic]?” Toys have changed; he cites GI Joe as an example. When GI Joe first came on the market, it was a fairly simple army doll. The Joes of ’86 are more “combat-oriented,” and much more violent. I cannot argue with this.
However, he hasn’t yet answered the question. So, why have toys changed? Apparently, it’s all the fault of hippies. The writers and creators of the 80s toys came out of the 60s, with their acid trips and love beads and Eastern religions. Many of these hippies live in Hollywood. “Don’t misunderstand,” sayeth Phil, “I am not saying Hollywood is a ‘bad place,’ but, the very nature of Hollywood leads to a hedonistic way of living, which often involves ‘meditation,’ drugs, and Eastern religious influences.” Um, it was the 80s; pretty much everyone, Californian or not, was snorting rails. Anyway, these sorts of lifestyles do not lend themselves to going to church on a regular basis, so, obviously, these people are out of touch with God. Oh, so much wrong in that sentence. Where shall I begin?
This dude is a Southern Baptist, as I recall. Now, I am not tarring all Baptists with the same brush; however, of those I have known, they were the biggest buncha hypocrites I have ever seen. The type that would judge others for nonattendance at church, but would also find every excuse not to go themselves. The type you’d find at the bar/stripclub of a Saturday night, getting lapdances and having a belt or three, who would also be found in church on Sunday, front and center, loudly declaiming alcohol as the debbil’s drink. “Do as I say, not as I do” types of people come in every religious stripe, but I’m picking on the SoBaps today. Don’t send me hate mail, k?
Now, P.P. will hit on specific toys for the remainder of the chapter. Are ya strapped in?
Cabbage Patch Kids – before I go on, he mentions a similar doll series, Rice Paddy Babies. That sounds incredibly racist, and I doubt the “positive reactions” they received at the Toy Fair. I have found them online, they do exist, and there are people still searching for them, but I’ll let you be your own judge: Rice Paddy Babies
He finds Cabbage Patch Kids harmful because kids begin to view them as more than dolls, as real. “Some even pay to have braces put on the dolls . . .” I thought this was a gross overexaggeration, but I found an article in the San Diego Evening Tribune from March 29, 1985 that proves me wrong. An orthodontist was providing braces with teeth for the dolls free of charge to his patients. Services exist to have the doll cleaned, but what’s wrong with that? There have been doll hospitals, but I don’t see him bitching about those.
Further blurring the line between fantasy and reality is the fact that the dolls have “birthmarks.” Oh, yes, who doesn’t have a signature on their ass?
I’ve found a blatant lie! It’s an urban legend, too! He talks about Coleco, the manufacturer of the Cabbage Patch dolls, sending death certificates for defective dolls. Snopes.com, the definitive resource on urban legends, has all the straight dope here. How could someone be so easily duped by this bastard book?
My final words on Cabbage Patch Kids? He is giving any parent reading this book a mixed message. He first says that baby dolls, in general, are good, and foster imagination. However, CPK take it too far and force a child to take on adult responsibilities? I would venture to say that any doll has the potential to do that; any imaginative instance can and has been taken to extremes. I suppose some toy had to be the scapegoat, and since they were the dolls to have at time of publication, they get the full brunt of his wrath.
Barbie – I won’t even bother discussing this one at length. I completely agree – she fosters unrealistic expectations for little girls and has the potential to give them self-image issues. All of this seems – dare I use the word? – sane. And now we come to . . .
Smurfs – The cartoon wields influence over the toy in this instance, to which I say, no shit. It’s full of the occult, he says. Papa Smurf used spells and incantations to help out his fellows in blue. They run to Papa for every little problem, as well, which makes Phil have a problem with them a second time. Christian children should be learning to call on the Lord when they have an issue, not on witchcraft! And Gargamel uses a pentagram, an obvious occult symbol. These episodes teach the child how to play with the toy, and thus the seeds of loathsome disease are sown. When the child reaches the age of thirteen, the seeds shall sprout. the child shall robe himself in black and escape the warm embrace of the sun for the solitude of velvet night; he shall descend into the deepest recesses of his ancestral home to embark on a frightful journey with similarly-clothed children, and a die of too many sides shall be put into play. Thus spake the “prophet.”
Gummie Bears – that’s his spelling, by the way. This is not a typo, as the entire paragraph to which he devotes ink and paper has it spelled this way every time. This is just sloppy. You supposedly watched the show, right? And even if you didn’t, it was on the air when you wrote this book, so you could have looked at TV Guide.
I would have been surprised to see them in this book, but then I remembered why they are there. He hates them because they’re magical. And they brew special juice that gives humans powers. Aw, he’s just jealous that Gummi Berry juice doesn’t really exist, and our real-life not-quite-equivalent, alcohol, is verboten by his belief system. And it wouldn’t make your peen bigger, anyway, Philly, but don’t worry! I hear there are pills you can take for that now.
My Little Pony. Ah, cute little horsies. What could possibly be wrong here? Well, some of these horses are winged, or are unicorns. These things come to us from Greek mythology, so this is in direct contrast to God’s word. And that’s not all, boys and girls – unicorns are a symbol of the New Age movement, which also has nothing to do with Jesus. The unicorn is a symbol of the anti-Christ. Wait, whaaaaaat? I can barely find any detail on this, and I have never, I repeat, NEVER heard this before. The sources he cites are an article from Media Spotlight (which I actually found online and you can read here – but the only thing it sheds light on is the fact that Phillips is a plagiarizer, as he lifted most of the last section of the article wholesale and did not block-quote it or use any marks to set it off from his own insane ramblings – and the book of Daniel (7:8, for those playing along at home). This verse talks about Daniel’s dream of four beasts, and the one in question has ten horns and another little one. That sounds like ELEVEN. I think we forgot how to count. Too much squinting over cartoons and seeing that which isn’t there. I prescribe rest in a padded cell – extra comfy that way!
Of course, the My Little Pony cartoon must be taken to task, also. For “science,” I suppose, he watched an episode. He doesn’t state this outright, but he doesn’t say that “based upon my viewing of [x] episodes . . . ” for that is not how Phillips does things. Presumably, if you are ordained by God to condemn something, actual facts no longer matter. Anyway, he describes an episode of My Little Pony. He uses the phrase “cute and innocent” for the bazillionth time. The ponies are playing and it’s so preeety, aw! Uh, oh, here come some dragons, with demons for riders! They capture some ponies to take back to their castle. The greeter is a
goat-footed balloonMan half-man/half-goat (with cloven hooves, we must mention) with horns – but why make a point of saying this, as goats already have horns? Oh, wait, Satan. Obviously. Of the four ponies that were abducted, only three are just right for the Chariot of Darkness. *cue spooky music* They are forced to look into the magic bag, which changes them into dragons. But what I really want to know is – what happened to the fourth pony?
The other ponies seek out their buddy the wizard to help them in their hour of need. He lives around mushrooms in the forest. And do you know what that hippie drug-user gives them? A fragment of a rainbow! Oh, noes, not more New-Age BS . . . The rainbow is what defeats semi-goatman, though, and breaks the spell.
Phil sez, This cartoon is too intense and frightening, as well as occult and New Age. Plus, rainbows are ghey. Don’t let yer kidz watch this.
Care Bears. Oh, these little stuffed bastards are bad, but they are very subtle about it. The (un)holy triumvirate in this case consists of Humanism, magic, and Eastern religions. The fact that they love and care is not at odds with the teachings of Jesus. However, the bears focus too much on feelings – this is Humanism. “[T]he most miserable people I know are those who have based their lives on their feelings instead of on the Word of God.” Dayum. I guess I shouldn’t have to ask how you feel about psychologists, eh, Philly Boy?
Achieving one’s “full human potential,” by which, I presume, he means Maslow’s theory of “self-actualization,” is in opposition to god because it means that man controls his own destiny. (Okay, so he is definitely not a free-will Baptist, that much is clear). Only God can solve your problems, usually in the form of a beer. Or several. These bears are playing a “godlike” role when they help the troubled children in the cartoons. Oh, and the Care Bear stare is based in Eastern religion, and therefore, a no-no.
Rainbow Brite. A cute little girl, yes, with a horsey. But the horsey is a Pegasus! And we know what that means! Rainbow Brite fights gloom, which is represented by frightening creatures. Too much violence for young children; hide their eyes.
And once again, the rainbow. Do you know the importance of this symbol? Well, Phil will inform you, if not: it’s a symbol of god’s covenant with man that he would never again flood the earth. “New-Agers” use this symbol to build a bridge between man and Satan. I still have no fucking idea what he is talking about. Is he confusing paganism with Satanism (not that it would matter to him or anyone brainwashed by this book)?
Tune in next time for an entire chapter devoted to Masters of the Universe!