It came from the 1960s! (Life Cycle Library, Part Four)

Chapter 19 – Dating for Boys. Just like there isn’t one for girls, there is no “right” age for boys to begin dating. Some start at age 13, usually about the time they begin jackin’ it. Others don’t begin to show an interest in girls until later; these are called nerds.

At some point, a boy suddenly sees a girl from class and thinks that he would like to walk her home (to his house, for sex). So, how does a boy go about asking for a date?

It’s normal to be nervous, BoyTeen; it might take some time to be courageous enough to ask a girl out. Most will think of so many reasons not to take initiative. She probably won’t say yes, or she is interested in someone else. And perhaps these things are true, young man; perhaps you are dull, boring, or a pervert. However, you cannot win if you do not play. So do eet, ask her, you fool!

Now, boys, asking a girl out face-to-face might be too nerve-wracking, and you might prefer the telephone. No matter which way you choose, be sure to give the girl a week’s notice. “Girls don’t like being called at 7:30 to do something at 8:00 that evening,” not because spontaneity is a bad thing, but because it takes those bitches forever to pick outfits to wear and do their hair.

Good job, she said yes! So, where are you gonna go, boy? Take a peek inside your wallet; it will give you a clue. Remember, the boy is expected to pay for tickets to the movie or sports game, transportation to get there – basically, everything. So, if you have some cash money, the local moviehouse is a good bet for a date (and maybe, for a bonus, you can get this chica with the knockers to sit in the back row with you). If, however, your wallet coughs up dust when you open it, find some events that don’t cost anything to attend – such as a school event, or playing a game of tennis. Keep in mind that these things might get you labelled a cheapskate, depending on which types of girls you chase. High-maintenance hoes are all about the benjamins, baby.

Here are some helpful dos and don’ts for proper behavior. Be thoughtful, well-groomed, and respectful at all times. (I would say “no shit” to this, but it’s 2011, and oh, the things I have seen, and probably will always see . . . ) Girls also “turn thumbs-down” on those boys who tell dirty jokes or stories, or make rude remarks. So, save the comments about your date’s “incredible rack” for the locker room!

Be on time. The girl should be the one opening the door, but when does that ever happen? While that hussy is slathering on another layer of mascara, introduce yourself to whomever greets you. While you are waiting, engage this person in conversation; don’t just stand about like a slack-jawed imbecile. Also, be sure to know what your date’s curfew is, and make sure you have her in by that time.

Courtesy is expected. What is courteous behavior? Holding open doors for your gal. Standing up when females or senior citizens/pensioners enter a room. Helping your date in and out of her clothescoat. It’s also expected that you should have a Trojan in your wallet (swiped from dear old Dad’s top dresser drawer – he’ll never miss it), but this is one of those “unwritten codes.”

Okay, on the date now. What do you talk about? Refer to the conversation cake discussion in Chapter 17. “That dead silence you’re afraid might happen, doesn’t.” Unless she’s a dead fish to begin with, then you might need a stiff drink to get through this night. It doesn’t matter if you’re only fifteen. I’m sure you can get an adult to buy you a belt of something, somewhere!

It’s the end of the night and you are taking your date home. Should you kiss her goodnight? Many girls say that a boy should not do so on the first date, for if he does, then she will think he probably tries to kiss every girl he dates. And, as we’re well aware, this is almost as bad as sex, so refrain, refrain, refrain! Wait and see after a few dates, like, say, seven.

There are times when a couple never gets to this point, because they don’t feel romantic feelings towards each other. “Not kissing doesn’t spoil the fun of being together for them.” Let’s be real here, though; if you haven’t pushed the envelope in this manner, then you’re just friends.

If you do lock lips, with this example gal or otherwise, don’t be a braggart. Girls do find out about the locker-room talk, and I’ll wager it isn’t about making out, as among other guys, they tend to go in for the more gratuitous stories. Either way, shut your trap! especially if you want to see this one again.

If you need to break a date, do it as quickly as possible; you owe an explanation, and it’s very uncool (and uncouth) to just stand a girl up. On the flipside, if a girl calls to break a date with you last-minute, give her the benefit of the doubt the first time. If she does it again, it’s probably a “brush-off” and she’s a lying bitch. You can now hate on her appropriately.

Don’t be afraid to ask girls out. The more times you do it, the more confidence you will build and the easier it becomes. Usually you will get an explanation as to why the girl cannot accept a date, but if she does not offer one, do not whine or beg. Say “Thanks, anyway,” sack up, and go back out there, pardner.

If you’ve received several refusals and all from different girls, take a good hard look at yourself. Are you clean, neat, pressed, without grime under your fingernails? Do you practice good manners and have courtesy? Do you say or do inappropriate things, like guessing girls’ bra sizes or flashing random passersby? Perhaps some self-improvement is in order before you hop into the saddle again.

In lieu of a one-on-one date, double your fun with another couple! It certainly will make the evening a bit easier on your wallet. Before you go deciding for yourself, however, be sure to check with your date. It’s the Right Thing to Do.

Here are some special rules for double-dates. Don’t exclusively chat with the other dude; you’re only going to bore the girls. There is more to life than sports, fellas! Don’t try to overly ingratiate yourself with the girl you didn’t bring; this leaves your date left out and makes you look like a douche. What to do? Limber everyone up with some booze! Then it all doesn’t matter, because then no one will remember anything. However, you’re still a tool.

Finally this evening, going steady . . . for boys. Pro: easier on your wallet, as your girl will probably be more accepting of inexpensive dates than a new girl might be; this does not hold true with high-maintenance chickies. “She is apt to have him over to her house more often for an evening get-together – ” and that, my friends, IS what they were callin’ it in those days, apparently!!

Pro: perhaps a more active social life. “His girl expects him to escort her to whatever is going on” – wait, expects? Now who’s being pushy? – “so he gets to a lot of social activities he might otherwise miss.” And some that he probably STILL wants to miss, but now he’s got obligations.

Pro: no new founts of courage are needed to ask girls out, as you already have one. And you know where you stand with her, unless you don’t. And you’re a mush-mouthed doormat, so you don’t ask whilst she chats up all the other guys within a five-mile radius.

Con: “going steady” is no guarantee that your relationship will last forever. Somtimes, things fall apart. That shiny soap bubble pops and you are no longer “the one” for your gal. Or perhaps, she’s no longer “the one” for you. Perhaps you are the cad in this situation. Your girl might be too demanding of your time and too possessive, even though you ARE expected to be her permanent escort. Does this sound like a conflicting statement? That’s because it is!

The biggest con of all against going steady is the fact that this time of your life is when you should be learning as much as you can about relationships and all their facets. How else can you expect to understand women unless you date as many of them as you can? “Dating skill improves with practice,” after all, so use your teen years wisely.