Monthly Archives: May 2011

It came from the 1960s! (Life Cycle Library, Part Five)

Chapter 20 – Necking, Petting, and Sexual Feelings. In other words, the chapter EveryTeen automatically skipped to, I’m sure.

What is happening to my body? What are these “wonderful thrills and chills?” Why, those are from your genitals – they’re alive!

Boys, you will begin to sprout hair in places where none grew before. And your feelings towards girls will do a 180° turn. Just thinking about ’em is gonna make ya hard, so focus on coursework in class, lest your fantasies cause you to do a walk of shame to the blackboard.

Now, girls, you get different and exciting changes, too. Instead of growing up, you will grow out. Welcome to the Boob Brigade – get thee to Macy’s for a bra-fitting (ask for Winifred; her hands were dunked in a vat of liver-spots, it’s true, but she’s very gentle and accurate with her tape measure). As if breasts weren’t bad enough, you also get to bleed. That’s right, BLEED, for several days a month, every month, for the next forty or so years! Disturbing? Why, yes!

We’ve discussed the social aspects of dating in previous chapters. The emotional aspects have a tendency to creep up on you, EveryTeen – that “sweet, soft glow.” Is this love? That you’re feeling? Is this THE love that you’ve been searching for? Probably not (so you’re dreaming), as one doesn’t fall in adult-style love at your age; those feelings take time to develop (and some people never make it there). Continue reading

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It came from the 1960s! (Life Cycle Library, Part Four)

Chapter 19 – Dating for Boys. Just like there isn’t one for girls, there is no “right” age for boys to begin dating. Some start at age 13, usually about the time they begin jackin’ it. Others don’t begin to show an interest in girls until later; these are called nerds.

At some point, a boy suddenly sees a girl from class and thinks that he would like to walk her home (to his house, for sex). So, how does a boy go about asking for a date?

It’s normal to be nervous, BoyTeen; it might take some time to be courageous enough to ask a girl out. Most will think of so many reasons not to take initiative. She probably won’t say yes, or she is interested in someone else. And perhaps these things are true, young man; perhaps you are dull, boring, or a pervert. However, you cannot win if you do not play. So do eet, ask her, you fool!

Now, boys, asking a girl out face-to-face might be too nerve-wracking, and you might prefer the telephone. No matter which way you choose, be sure to give the girl a week’s notice. “Girls don’t like being called at 7:30 to do something at 8:00 that evening,” not because spontaneity is a bad thing, but because it takes those bitches forever to pick outfits to wear and do their hair.

Good job, she said yes! So, where are you gonna go, boy? Continue reading

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