It came from the 1960s! (Life Cycle Library, Part Three)

Chapter 18 – Dating for Girls. There is no “right” age to begin the dating game, EveryGirlTeen. Some girls mature socially earlier than others, just like others mature physically before others (and by this, just so we’re clear, they mean “boobs).”

Some girls begin dating in grade school. And some may not start dating “until the sophomore year” and sometimes even later, but we don’t like to talk about them. *cough* spinster equivalent *cough*

A good timeline to follow is: group dates, which lead to double dates, which lead to a single couple going out on their own. “Double” your fun with a double-date, which is usually suggested by the boy, because he’s attempting to increase his chances that one of you are “easy.” If you are double-dating, the four of you need to discuss the plans to avoid misunderstandings, such as where you are meeting, what time, and whether clothing is optional. After enough of these group and double-dates, you’ll be comfortable enough to go out with one boy by himself. You’ll have acquired enough social skills, as well as perfected your best fellatio techniques.

What makes a great date? By which is meant, what makes you “dateable?” Really attractive girls are going to be asked out more, it’s true, but boys look at other things, too. (You mean, post high-school, right)? Enthusiasm is more important than looks. Act like a girl, not a tomboy. Be friendly but not “pushy.” (But, where is the line drawn)? Have a good sense of humor, especially when things are not going as planned. And be neat in your appearance! So, take your glasses off and squint, four-eyes. And smooth down your mohawk before you go out.

Things that boys don’t like: loud laughers, loud talkers, and cattiness (I’ll agree with the last one; it’s not attractive on anyone). And don’t slouch; it “may look so tired that a boy would fear she’d fall asleep on a date.” (That sounds more like a personal problem, as in he’s so fuckin’ boring and he KNOWS it).

When you are asked on a date, give a definite answer and do not stall. If you say yes, don’t break the date for a better option. You don’t want to be known as one of those girls, do you? A “date-breaker,” is what they call you; I’d just call you a bitch.

Now, here’s how to be treated like a second-class citizen have a happy date.

Answer the door yourself; don’t be primping in the mirror to the very last second. Yes, that’s right, have the boy come to the door, not just beep the horn of his sports car. Invite him in to be intimidated by your parents while you get your coat.

How dare you try to open your own car door! If you head to the movies, stand out of the way while your ticket is purchased for you. Go to your seat first, preferably with a bit of a wriggle to your walk, to give the boy some payback for paying for your movie. Wait to be asked if you’d like a snack, wait to ask about after-movie plans, wait, wait, wait. Ask what he is ordering to give you a clue as to the state of his wallet. “His answer will clue you as to whether it’s a steakburger deluxe or ‘just-a-coke-please’ evening.” And if it’s the former, well, you owe this one big time, girlie.

At the restaurant, put your accessories (purse, gloves) in your lap, or even on the dirty floor, but never, never on the table, for that’s uncouth. Peruse the menu and decide what you want to eat, but tell your date, not the waiter, so that your date can order for you. Remember, be mealy-mouthed at all times and don’t venture your own opinions, as that is what is probably meant by “pushy.”

So, now it’s the end of the night, and you are arriving home. Keep your goodnights brief, even if you have time until your parents send out the search party. You need to save some conversation (and sexual tension) for the next time, no?

The incredibly important question in all this is: should you kiss a boy on the first date? Many girls (and boys, too, they claim) think that a first date is too soon for such a thing. Wow, so apparently, many of us are dirty, dirty whores by 1969 standards.

If you’re a loss for words with a boy, ask him questions about his hobbies or something else he likes. Be sure to listen to his answers. “Every male is flattered to find a girl who wants to hear him talk.” It doesn’t matter what you say, however, as every male is programmed not to listen when a female opens her mouth.

Some girls find it hard to say “no” to a boy that they do not want to go out with. Gee, it’s no wonder, considering the fact that girls were taught to be doormats! What is the reason you don’t want to go out with this boy, though? Is it because of some physical attribute? You are whittling your chances of dating more boys down, perhaps even to zero! If it’s something about his personality that bugs you, or he has a bad reputation, then perhaps you should refuse him. But do it firmly, so that he doesn’t think he can come back later and expect a different answer. Isn’t that “pushy,” though? It would have been nice if this book had given an example of how this sort of conversation would go down. All they tell you is that you don’t have to give an explanation as to why, and if the boy asks you why, you dissemble and tell him that you have other plans. Oh, is this where the “washing my hair” excuse came into fashion?

If you’ve set your sights on a certain boy, here is how to chase him until he catches you. Start by smiling and saying “hi” when you see him. This will clue him into the fact that you are friendly and approachable. (But what if he’s not paying attention? No answer is given). Or get a friend to invite CrushTarget on an afterschool outing, or to a party. It may take a while to get through to him (yes, like two years or so, at this glacial pace), but a low-key approach can lead to easy conversation (perhaps about cake; wait, if he’s really into baking, that’s a different book). Set your sighys on someone else, however, if, after a few weeks, there hasn’t been much of a response, or he hasn’t warmed up to you.

Now, EveryGirlTeen, there will be some boys that only want to take you out, solely to get into your pants – well, under your skirt. If you go along with this, this is how you get labelled a “whore,” as that boy is going to brag to all his locker-room buddies about what a great mouth you have.

So, what do you do if the boy you’re out with moves too quickly for you? Move away speedily, out of the way of those roamin’ hands, and shake your head with a smile (um, that sounds like a mixed message there, where guys get the idea that “no” actually means “yes, just try harder or force me next time”) or say, “Sorry, not now.” (Which implies that there will be a later for this one, and is that always true)? Be quick about your refusal, the experts say, as it’s “no fair going along with things until your date is all excited, then acting indignant!” Oh, sure, blame the girl; always, always blame the girl. For she should know better! We are level-headed, and boys are stupid and it’s hard for them to get their blood to cooperate when it’s already descended. Remember, a boy who really likes you will respect you. That doesn’t mean, however, that he doesn’t still wanna bone you, though.

If your date is one where the boy will be hanging out at your house, make sure one of your parents is lurking in the background. Nothing spells “shriveled penis” faster than your mom popping up at random times with a basket of laundry. Keep all lights on, and the door to your room open (and if you’re on the bed, keep one foot on the floor). This way there is no question about what is going on inside your room – unless, the danger in possibly being caught is a turn-on for this young man. (Or even you, you slut). Have something special to do – like play checkers, or listen to records, or bake some brownies together (but are they special brownies)?

“Going steady” – pros and cons. Pro: social security for you; you don’t have to worry about how you’re going to spend your Saturday night. Con: if your beau is busy that night, you can’t play the field; you have to stay home, alone. Because of course, you abandon all of your girlfriends when you’re with the flavor of the month.

Pro: feeling special with one particular someone, who does everything with you in mind. Because we’re being very idealistic here. Pro: you can depend on your steady – until his eye starts wandering, that is, because he’s sixteen years old, and hormones be wacky, yo. Con: focusing so much on the relationship that you neglect your friends and can only think about each other; the two of you are in your very own romantic movie, and no one else matters. This makes you suck, and people hate you. This is a con, most especially if you continually mack on each other in public all the fucking time. *ahem*

In short, go steady if you feel it is right, but don’t rush into anything. Early marriage has a tendency to follow those who “go steady” through high school, and a lot of times, these marriages end in divorce, which leaves you to go through the whole process again, but with more baggage than you had when you entered the terminal. And perhaps, this time, there will be no dashing young man to assist with your heavy valise, so sit on a hard plastic chair and don’t cry your eyes out, because it makes you look ugly and gives your skin a blotchy appearance.

1 Comment

Filed under dating/relationships, sex ed books, sex education

One response to “It came from the 1960s! (Life Cycle Library, Part Three)

  1. “but with more baggage than you had when you entered the terminal”

    I seriously love that metaphor.

    My first group semi-date outing was in the sixth grade when I organized a group of friends (both girls and guys) from school (including the girl I was crushing on) to go see Super Mario Bros: The Movie. My friends caught on to the crush being with the group and stacked the evening so that she and I had to sit together in the theater. Looking back, it was awesome to have wingmen and wingwomen at 12 years old.

    (And no, nothing else happened. We were 12 fer cryin’ out loud!)

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