What a Young Boy Ought to Know, by Sylvanus Stall (Part Six)

Part IV will discuss how boys may keep their bodies pure and strong. Hooray, more boring text! Cylinder 14. Stall advocates keeping one’s heart pure by associating only with the best people and reading the best books. One should bathe at least once a week, and twice is even better! After a good rubdown with a towel, he advises rubbing one’s entire body vigorously with one’s hands. Hmm, that sounds a bit suspicious!

Clean your Peen! (Sounds like a bumper sticker). However, do not think anything impure whilst doing so. Of course.

Cylinder 15. Be choosy in your food intake. Don’t eat things that disagree with your delicate constitution just because they taste good. Eat to live, don’t live to eat. (No wonder these people were cranky). Some people develop unnatural affinities for things such as vinegar, salt, cloves, coffee, and even SLATE PENCILS. One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn’t belong. Do not drink alcohol, for the Bible says that even wine is no good. But Jesus turned water into wine at the wedding, didn’t he? And you’re only citing Old Testament verses to “prove” your point. Don’t smoke, as it is injurious to your health; okay, I’ll give you that one.

Cylinder 16. Work, work, work. It does a body good. And exercise. A boy’s room, no matter how humble, shows a boy is full of “hope and promise” if it has a Bible, a few well-chosen other books, and some free weights in it. Sounds really sparse, there, cuz; get thee to IKEA.

By the way, Dr. Stall wants to tell you that masturbation is not going to enlarge your penis; that’s what those pills are for.

Cylinder 17. Read wholesome books, like histories and biographies, not trash, like “stories.” There are so many good books out there! We’ve heard all this before. Here are six rules, or guidelines, about amusements. 1. Amusement is a diversion, and shouldn’t cost a lot of money, so don’t indulge if it’s going to be expensive. 2. Choose amusements that aren’t just for fun, but have good character and are relaxing. 3. Your amusement should not interfere with the rights of others. 4. If said amusement takes up all of your time and leads you to neglect your duties, avoid it. 5. Any amusement that makes one dislike his normal workaday world is injurious to your health and well-being and should be stopped immediately. 6. Anything that “arrays vice in attractive robes” should not be partaken of. Does he mean prostitutes? He also says it arouses passion and “benumbs the moral sense.” Yeah, he means prostitutes.

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