If you thought Twilight was bad (New Moon, part 3)


I want to speed up faster, like the vampires run, but there are choice, ultra-retarded bits in between.

Soon, Bella is on the outs with Jacob, and she doesn’t know why. Maybe you because you whine too much? Talk about your old boyfriend? You’re annoying? Insane! Any and all of these choices are acceptable. Jacob’s dad is lying for him and saying he’s not at home; ah, that old line. Face it, sweet cheeks, you’ve been jilted again! At least Edward told you to your face, even if he did leave you to make a spinster-y death-nest of dried leaves and dirt.

Chief Swan, Bella’s dad, warns her away from the woods because there have been some wolf sightings in the area. Do you think she heeds such things as important warnings, especially for an accident-prone chica as herself? If you said yes, you’re really not paying attention. And going to the woods anyway doesn’t make her a spunky heroine, it makes her fucking stupid. She moseys along to the woods and finds trouble galore, but not in lupine form.

No, Bella runs into Laurent, one of the vampires who discovered her with the Cullens in book one; James was the one who tried to kill her, but Edward rescued her AGAIN. No wonder he left!

Like the imbecile she is, Bella greets him warmly, like a dear friend returning from a long voyage at sea. And he is polite, at first. He asks her questions, Bella is told by “Edward” to lie and to stay perfectly still, so as not to excite the passions of the Frenchyvamp. Too late, she is simply “mouthwatering” and she has been cornered – it’s to be revenge for Victoria, the female of their group, as James was her mate and the Cullens had him destroyed.

The Magic Cinema Moment happens again, just as Laurent is touching her ivory skin. Wolves come in and chase him away. But they’re not just regular wolves, as you’ve probably surmised, and as you’ve also probably guessed, Jacob is one of them. This is not the way to serve Xenu, guys!

Jacob doesn’t tell her, for it is verboten, but if she guesses, he won’t deny it. Supposedly, she’s a smart cookie and gets it right, but yet she’s not smart enough to stay away from dangerous, metaphysical creatures.

My chronology is getting fuzzy, but at one point in the book, she freaks out when she sees some boys jump off the cliff. Jacob explains that they’re cliff divers, and really, hasn’t she been in Forks long enough to witness this at some point? She then does a 180 and asks him to teach her some day and he assents. He should have said, “bitch, you crazy. get help.”

One day, when Jacob is not around, she drives to the cliff and decides to take the plunge. FROM THE VERY TOP OF THE CLIFF. I know nothing about cliff diving, yet I am completely aware that this is an idiotic and reckless thing to do. She steps forward and back, listening to her delusional mind roar and plead with her. She finally leaps and is exhilarated . . . until she is pounded by rocks and angry surf. She starts drowning, sees Edward’s beautiful face, and her last thought is the very trite, “I love you. Goodbye.”

Get it? She metaphorically drowned in the forest when Edward left her and now she, like, almost literally drowned in the ocean? Wow, Stephenie Meyer is, like, so good at drawing parallels! I’m totally chomping my gum in disbelief, cause this is, like, so riveting that I almost died!

Seriously, though, I’d like to take a moment to discuss this. These books are stupid, yes, but teenagers are eating them up. You might think they’re harmless fluff, but then, we come to a section like this. I read the ham-fisted intent as suicide; she’s still not over Edward and she’s depressed. Is Ms. Meyer advocating her young adult readers to drown their sorrow, literally, if their boyfriends or girlfriends break up with them? In real life, your were-friend or vamp-love is not going to save you at the last movie-moment. You probably will get sucked into that riptide and drown.

Argh, I must not get worked up about stupid shit. Down, blood pressure, down!

Ahem. Jacob saves her, hurrah, or something. The werewolves are tracking Victoria, the last vampire of the coven left (they destroyed Laurent).

But wait, there’s STILL more.

Alice, one of Edward’s sisters, comes to visit Bella with an urgent message. She’s the one who can see the future, sometimes imperfectly. She saw Bella drown in the water, and told Rosalie, one of the other Cullens, about it before assuring herself of its veracity. Telephone is played by vampires, too, I guess; Rosalie told Edward, and now he’s going to kill himself. Or, rather, solicit the help of others, as vampires can do many things, except commit suicide. Edward has flown to Italy, where there is a contingent of vampires called the Vulturi, who can kill other vampires. Alice needs Bella’s help to stop him.

Many pages are eaten while they fly to Italy and Alice concentrates on Edward’s actions. He won’t do it. He will. He meets with the Vulturi. They don’t want to kill him. He asks again. They would rather he join their coven, as he has powers they would like to use. He declines. He leaves them. He ponders. He ruminates. (He hires a prostitute to take the edge off – just kidding)! He has an idea! He’s going to do something so heinous that they’ll have to kill him. What can he do to ensure his death? Think think think. Oh, yeah! What better way than to show the public a vampire walks among them? The Vulturi have kept the city vampire-free for many years, and the people are celebrating this fact as they do every year. He decides to walk through the piazza at high noon, in the middle of the festivities. His purpose would be better served elsewhere – like a Gay Pride parade.

It’s a race against time to get there before he walks into the sun. Alice drives her as closely as she can and then Bella must run. What a nail-biter! Will she fall and break her nose? Turn her ankle? Slice her wrists on a bit of brick?

She gets to Edward as the bell is pealing noon. He’s very matter-of-fact about her not being dead. But there’s no time for her to rip him a new one, as her come the Vulturi. The Vamps go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah, into a cavernous underground lair. Everyone is scared shitless. The main Vulturo is very interested in Bella. All of these secret vamps have superpowers – reading minds, a Darth-Vader-esque chokehold, etc. Each tries his power on Bella, but she’s immune. This makes HeadVulturo intrigued and desirous of her becoming one of them. He would change her right now, but Edward is having none of it. Finally, the Vulturi let them all go free, with the caveat that the Cullens change Bella ASAP.

They all go back to Forks and Bella is kind of grounded. Edward is allowed strictly monitored visits, until Bella’s dad goes to bed and then he just sneaks into her room.

The end. Whatta clusterfuck.


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Filed under young adult

One response to “If you thought Twilight was bad (New Moon, part 3)

  1. Pingback: Fifty Types of Dreck – or, that “book” series everyone loves for some reason – Chapter One | Riffling Pages

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