Monthly Archives: November 2009

The “Truth” about the Toy Industry (Turmoil, Part Two)

Chapter Two – A Startling Discovery. Parents are ignorant of toys’ role – but he was, too . . . until the Lord pointed the way.

He discovers Skeletor (from He-Man and Masters of the Universe) in a mall toy store. Skeletor had a staff crowned with a ram’s head, an obvious “occult” symbol. (By “occult” please understand he means everything that does not embrace “Christian” tenets). Instead of passing it by or researching it in other ways, he buys the toy, thereby placing more money in the manufacturer’s pagan hands.

The bonus comic book astonishes him even further – it kind of parallels the book of Genesis, except that Satan created the world instead of God. This is complete and utter bullshit, by the way; you can see for yourself at The Good Old Days, which has all of the minicomics up to read online: He is dumbfounded that members of his Christian audience had purchased this toy for their children!

On the way back home, he’s hanging out with the Lord, and they start rappin’ about toys. The Lord tells Phil that children learn through imagination, and Satan is gaining control of their minds; Phil agrees, and God tells him that he has been chosen to do something about it. So Phil says, “Aw, shucks, thanks, Lord,” and buys more toys, and begins lecturing to the masses about the dangers of Dungeons and Dragons and suchlike filth. Other people begin to join his crusade, and he natters about the “miracles” that happen when his followers increase in number. A photographer volunteers his services to take pictures of the offending toys for slides that Phil can use in his lectures, but then unusual things start to happen to the camera equipment. The photographer calls his parents and they all pray about it, and miracle of miracles, the occurrences stop. Obviously the work of, could it be . . . SATAN?!

Children are too important to consider this ministry a joke, (which some thought it was, at first); the Bible says so! He even quotes some verses to prove it!

The chapter concludes with line drawings of two childrens’ heads with their brains exposed – the child with toys, television, sex, violence, and games on his mind has a fragmented view of the world; the child with love, peace, kindness, truth, and goodness on his mind has a cohesive view of the world. (I assume that’s what it’s supposed to mean; it’s a very crude drawing and has no explanation beside it). I suppose we’re expected to think that a child cannot have a combination of these thoughts and ideals at the same time.

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The “Truth” about the Toy Industry (Turmoil, Part One)

And now, for something completely different, we turn to Phil Phillips’ laughable book, Turmoil in the Toybox. To explain what this is, let us turn to the back flap:

“A SHOCKING EXPOSE of the toy and cartoon industry. It reveals the hidden dangers found in He-Man and Masters of the Universe, Barbie, Rainbow Brite, G.I. Joe, Smurfs . . . This book unmasks the New Age, Occult, Violent, and Satanic influences that have invaded the once innocent toy box . . .”

It was published in 1986, which explains why it’s more than a wee bit dated. However, the excerpts I have read have been absolutely insane, and I wish to share them with you.

Starburst Publishers were the only people willing to put this book into print, I guess; a cursory internet search reveals that they are no longer in business. The copyright page, however, gives us a shortlist of other books by this printing house: The Great Pretender, regarding rock groups as Satanic influences, particularly Spinal Tap (gotta love religious nutbars who believe everything they hear); Devotion in Motion, experiencing Christ through dance; and A Bucket of Finger Lickin’s, which I can’t find any information about and am rather scared to pursue further. Onward!
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Yawn. Snore. (Eclipse)

I can sum up Eclipse, part three of the Twilight series, thusly:

People are getting murdered. It is the work of Victoria and a coven of baby vampires, who have insatiable blood lust. Vampires and werewolves fight together to rid the world of the scourge. Edward wants to marry Bella before taking her virginity – I mean, blood. I mean, human form. Jacob is still very much in love with Bella, but she prefers her ice prince instead of the woolly man, even though she loves Jacob, too. But in a different way. Jacob is invited to the wedding and he runs away. The End.

It took Stephenie Meyer over 600 pages to tell this story. Just so you’re aware.

Is it even worth it to read Breaking Dawn at this point?

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If you thought Twilight was bad (New Moon, part 3)

I want to speed up faster, like the vampires run, but there are choice, ultra-retarded bits in between.

Soon, Bella is on the outs with Jacob, and she doesn’t know why. Maybe you because you whine too much? Talk about your old boyfriend? You’re annoying? Insane! Any and all of these choices are acceptable. Jacob’s dad is lying for him and saying he’s not at home; ah, that old line. Face it, sweet cheeks, you’ve been jilted again! At least Edward told you to your face, even if he did leave you to make a spinster-y death-nest of dried leaves and dirt.

Chief Swan, Bella’s dad, warns her away from the woods because there have been some wolf sightings in the area. Do you think she heeds such things as important warnings, especially for an accident-prone chica as herself? If you said yes, you’re really not paying attention. And going to the woods anyway doesn’t make her a spunky heroine, it makes her fucking stupid. She moseys along to the woods and finds trouble galore, but not in lupine form.
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