If you thought Twilight was bad (New Moon, part 2)


The next important thing is Edward breaking it off with Bella. He walks in the woods with her and tells her a bunch of dross which could be better summed up as, “You don’t want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I’m a loner, Dottie, a rebel.” He also says that he and his family are going to Alaska, where the other coven of friendly vampires lives.

And then he turns and walks away from her. How cavalier.

She, for her part, stares stupidly after him, then curls into a fetal position on the cold, cold ground and stays there. Buh? You’d be better served with a draught of whiskey – oh, wait. Never mind.

Bella is found some time later by her father and some of his buddies from the police department. They take her home and put her to bed. The ensuing torpor that surrounds her is told, not shown, by four subsequent pages with months on them, nothing more. Lame. It takes her four months to “surface,” and when she does, she can’t believe people saw through her pretenses, even though she hasn’t interacted with her friends, or gone out anywhere, or even really communicated with her father; on second thought, that last one doesn’t mean anything.

She begins to show a tentative interest in things. She also begins to go insane, but in such a way that you know that Stephenie Meyer has no idea what the word really means. Bella goes to the movies with a friend, and on the way to grab a bite to eat, she nearly incites trouble with two men hanging outside a bar. She thinks they’re the same ones who nearly attacked her another time [in the first book, a few guys being chasing her down a dark alleyway and, of course, Edward appears at the last dramatic second to rescue her stupid ass] and as she’s deciding whether to approach, she hears Edward growling in her head. Since Bella gets into scrapes wherever she goes, she steps closer as “Edward: continues to admonish her. Her friend, by the way, doesn’t seem to give a rip if Bella gets sexually assaulted or beaten; she stands there and watches from a distance. I know that the pair have had trouble in their friendship because of Edward, but wouldn’t Jessica (her friend) feel the least bit responsible if something happened to Bella? Apparently, Stephenie Meyer was too busy to draw one more stroke, however infinitesimal, of Jessica’s character.

Finally, Bella decides not to be a hopeless case, at least for today, and walks out of the street. Her friend is pissed off now, and after this, there will be no more trips to Port Angeles. It just wouldn’t be teen fiction without all the stupid and shallow teenagers, right?

Remember Jacob, the Native American boy who told Bella about the vampire legends in Twilight? He had a very obvious crush on her? No? Me, neither.

Anyway, Bella gets in contact with him again and he seems to really boost her spirits. She watches him fix up an automobile and he teaches her to ride a motorcycle (just one more thing to bring on the hallucination of Edward’s warnings and sexed-up growls). Jacob is scared, though; some of his friends have been taken up by a tribal cult and he might be next. Scientology?

Oh, one of the other things Bella and Jacob do is go hiking in the woods. She has an ulterior motive, of course; she’s searching for the meadow where Edward first exposed himself – no, I don’t mean his peen, you perverts! That’s silly of you, to think that teenagers know about and have sex! What I mean by exposure is him showing her his sparklies. Vampires can’t go out in bright light, not because they’ll disintegrate, but because they’ll shine on like the crazy diamonds they are.



Filed under young adult

2 responses to “If you thought Twilight was bad (New Moon, part 2)

  1. Pingback: If you thought Twilight was bad (New Moon, part 3) « Riffling Pages

  2. Pingback: Fifty Types of Dreck – or, that “book” series everyone loves for some reason – Chapter One | Riffling Pages

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