If you thought Twilight was bad . . . (New Moon, part 1)

Books Without Pity readers are in for a treat.

Stephenie Meyer is gliding ever closer to the precipice in her sequel to Twilight, New Moon.

You might be asking yourself, “If you disliked the first book so much, why would you bother to continue reading the series?”

I’ve asked myself the very same question, believe me. All I can say is, a trainwreck is hard to back away from.

With this sequel, Meyer shows us two things (disregarding the plot entirely for a moment):

1. not only is she a bad writer, she is a bad writer with poor self-editing skills. Each book is longer than the last.

2. this imprint of Little, Brown should be ashamed of themselves for not doing a thorough job. Actually, I’ve seen it happen before – once a publishing house has their metaphorical “cash cow,” they aren’t as diligent with editing. I picked up some typographical errors in this book – step it up, people, there is no excuse.

Ready for the preposterous storyline? I might have to break this up into several entries . . .New Moon opens with Bella pondering her 18th birthday, which has led to a nightmare wherein Bella grows old and Edward is still his coldly beautiful self, frozen forever at seventeen.

Bella has wanted Edward to “change” her ever since she fell for him, but he refuses to do so. I can’t recall if this was ever explained adequately. Wouldn’t it make life so much easier for them both? Meh.

For her birthday, the Cullens are throwing a party at their palatial estate nestled far back in the woods. Bella is a mopey git who doesn’t want any material gifts (which leads me to wonder what planet this supposed teenager is from). We are painfully aware of what she does want – eternal life with Edward, presumably in some sort of sex-free attachment – because it’s only been mentioned about a hundred times.

There is a cake, and Edward plays a song he wrote especially for her, awww! Then Bella is urged to open her presents, and here is where the fun begins. Because she is an accident-magnet, removing the wrapping on a package lands her in trouble. She slides her finger under the tape to loosen it, and gets a PAPER CUT.

This causes her magically delicious blood to well, leading the vampires to eye her hungrily. Jasper, the most recent to join the Cullen coven/family, is not always as good at sublimating his desires for human kills. In order to protect her, Edwards pushes Bella away, and in a manner reminiscent of Molly Shannon’s pratfall character (Mary Katherine Gallagher) on 90s era Saturday Night Live, she lands on the cake-table, breaking it and making her bleed ever more profusely. Nice going, marble boy! Two hundred years on the planet have not made you brainier, I see.

The stronger of the vamps manage to subdue Jasper and spirit him out of the house, leaving Carlisle, the doctor who is no longer bothered by blood, to stitch up her arm. While the bitch is squeamishly squirming (apparently, she can’t stand the smell of blood), he tells her how he came to save Edward, but I really don’t care enough to relate it here.


Filed under young adult

3 responses to “If you thought Twilight was bad . . . (New Moon, part 1)

  1. Pingback: If you thought Twilight was bad (New Moon, part 2) « Riffling Pages

  2. Pingback: Fifty Types of Dreck – or, that “book” series everyone loves for some reason – Chapter One | Riffling Pages

  3. Pingback: 200th entry – A Look Back | Books Without Pity

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