Excessive Venery, Masturbation, and Continence by William Howe – Chapter Seven

Chapter VII – Diseases of the Genitals that Arise from Masturbation and Sexual Excess. One of these diseases is variocele. This is when the veins in the testicles get twisted up somehow. This disorder persists into our modern world and I don’t see what the actual cause is; it just appears to happen in a certain percent of the population, some of whom never have any issues with it. Of course, Dr. Howe knows what it is – masturbation, for the men who present with this have many nocturnal emissions in a week. However, he then brings up the case of a medical student of his acquaintance who had this issue, and he certainly was not the type to give himself up to this vice. So he made him the equivalent of a jockstrap and it worked. Dr. H then proceeds to judge everyone else; the blood vessels become continually dilated from constantly masturbating, and it’s no wonder that eventually it shows!

The first thing to do to treat this is to make the patient stop masturbating; only then can the healing begin. One of the biggest symptoms is constipation, so that should be remedied with BELLADONNA. If that’s too severe, cold water injections should help (I’m assuming he’s politely referring to enemas). Also, be sure to briskly rub the abdomen, as that promotes healthy action of the bowels. Uh oh, sometimes that’s a good, comforting feeling – is that solitary vice, too, doc?

Then he starts to make some sense, with the suspension bandage to elevate the scrotum, and at night to put a cool compress on it to alleviate chafing. Let’s get back to the loony.

If none of the above work, and the patient wants surgery, amputate them nuts. Well, at least, the pendulous flap that hangs down from ’em. If any males are reading this, I can hear their thighs closing in and their mouths whimpering. This usually prevents a relapse, especially if in the intervening time the man gets married.

Neuralgia of the testicles is, of course, caused by onanism (WHAT ISN’T?) and makes a man become impotent. He does recognize that this could also be caused by such things as malaria, rheumatism, or an enlarged prostate. Y’know, because all of those things are the same. However, it is pretty rare among married men, so it stands to reason that it’s young pups who keep greasing their hot dogs, for married men never do this.

So what is this disease? It’s where your balls hurt so bad, all day every day, that you want to puke and you run to your doctor and say, “Get ‘im offa me, you gotta! Just rip ’em right off; I’m a man, I can take it!” Or something.

Irritable testicle(s) is the same thing, only in a “milder” form. In so-called healthy people, this is perfectly natural, as it is the effect of ungratified sexual excitement. In dirty, filthy persons, it means you masturbate too much. And I say, again, how the fuck did this “doctor” know the difference? There isn’t one, and god damn it, these people were such big fat liars. To cure the irritability, the suspensory bandage should be used, a cold or hot compress (HOT?!) and perhaps sitz baths. Sitz baths are great; they even cured some dude of impotence! Oh, and wear loose pantaloons. The last few seem sensible, even downright sane, as we come to this one: puncturing your scrotum with a needle and rubbing olive oil into it!

Let me say that again, in case it wasn’t clear without emphasis: MAKE HOLES IN YOUR BALLSACK AND RUB OIL INTO THE WOUNDS! This was advocated as a medically suitable thing to do. Can you imagine if you did this now? “Well, doc, my testicles really, really hurt today, and they have for a while, so I had this great idea. I took a needle and make the pain worse by stabbing myself in one of the tenderest places ever. And, since that wasn’t enough, I grabbed my handy-dandy bottle of olive oil (You know, the one I don’t use for masturbation, heh heh) and just dabbed it on. So, uh, while you’re at it, can you look at my head? I think I might have a concussion.”

In an era before tasers, the good doctor states that sometimes men with this condition could benefit from Faradic currents. That’s right, electrically shockifying your scroat where it already hurts. And when that’s over, and while you’re still moaning in pain, apply a local wash of lead and opium. Or belladonna. You know, whatever poisonous shit you have lying around the house, just slather it on your mucous membranes. “Hurt so good . . .” clap clap clap clap. “Come on, doctor, make it hurt so goodAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

More of the same is suggested for neuralgia of the neck of the bladder, which sounds like a UTI. More currents, sitz, and belladonna.

Oh, I almost choked. The doctor is talking about enlarged prostate, and when the man has clap as well, the “gleety discharge” will stay for a longer period of time. That phrase is killing me. Gleety. Most of this prostate stuff seems accurate from doing a cursory search of medical websites, but now, here come the leeches. They should be applied around the anus for maximum effect, and unless the patient has other medical issues, it should be done without delay!

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