Chapter VI – Diseases which result from Excess and Masturbation. The evils of chronic masturbators shall be visited upon their children. Why? Masturbating affects your sperm, making it weaker and therefore giving rise to a weaker generation. The child’s vitality is impaired before it leaves the womb. This is the cause of rickets, for the doctor has never seen a child with that affliction who did not have a parent who had been/is a chronic masturbator. Other signs of children weakened by the solitary vice of their parents: bad digestion, peevish children who worry lots, and are generally thin, puny, and weak.
Many tubercular children are that way because of the secret sins of their father. He does not include the mother in this, as her role in this is not as easy to detect, and you can’t ask a woman if she plays with herself. The only way to tell is if you can examine her secret parts without arousing her suspicions. The doctor knows for a fact, however, that tuberculosis in children is caused by their parents masturbating, and in teenagers and adults, it is caused by their own masturbatory habits. You know, doctor, you seem to know an awful lot about masturbation! Methinks you sit in your office and pull your pud after work. Of course, tuberculosis has as its main cause a really bad cold that develops into much worse, and that cold was probably caused by poor nutrition, which causes exhaustion and therefore makes one liable to catch cold. However, how would one get that exhausted? SOLITARY VICE!
He disagrees with those who say that excessive sexual enjoyments follow tuberculosis diagnosis. Dr. H says that they were there prior to the disease, and were its root cause. He then relates a sad story of a patient who was diagnosed with TB at thirty, and even though it was a very bad case, she did not stop indulging herself in sexual pleasures. Even a day or two before her death, when she was unable to speak or even move, she importuned her husband to have sex with her one last time. The doctor seems to find this distasteful, but seriously, folks, if you knew you were going to die, and soon, wouldn’t you want to enjoy yourself for the short time you had? I hate this prudish bastard.
If you have too much sex, you can still get tuberculosis, but it’s not as traceable to that cause as it is to masturbation. What I want to know is, how the hell does he know? If you examine a person who masturbates daily, and then examine a person who has sex daily, the look of the genitals is going to be the same. So, unless he cowed these people into telling him that they masturbated, there’s no way he could possibly know. I guess no one thought that the tuberculosis epidemic of the time period had something to do with poor heating during winter and lack of good food, not to mention the fact that TB is contagious!
He also blames masturbation for causing epilepsy. Secret vice causes the nervous system to become overexcited. There is no doubt in his mind whatsoever, for he knows that the irritation of the nerve centers in the body is more pronounced in onanists. He relates several cases which supposedly prove his point. Someone named Baker Brown in London, thinking the same thing that Dr. H. does, decided to test his theory, by AMPUTATING THE CLITORISES of several young females suffering from epilepsy. He claims they recovered completely after this operation.
Masturbation causes an enlarged heart and palpitations. Palpitations can occur in other cases, but the enlarged heart is only from choking that chicken. Hypochondriasis? Also caused by excess in genital play.
And epilepsy and hypochondriasis usually result in insanity. Or you can develop insanity all by itself. Insanity among masturbators is more frequent when the person is of below-average intelligence. Persistent loss of memory is the precursor to this disease.
Nymphomania. Only in females, caused by – you guessed it – masturbation. Or sexual excesses. Nymphomania is most likely to occur between ages sixteen to twenty-five. Blondes are more likely to succumb to it than brunettes. Redheads are not mentioned, presumably because they are the devil’s children, and not worth discussing. The woman has an uncontrollable appetite for sexual pleasures, and does not care whether she is in public or who is watching. Her mind is constantly racing with ideas about how to pleasure herself next. She will invent diseases so that she may be probed by a doctor. A personal anecdote: the doctor had a patient once who was admitted to the hospital because she couldn’t pee. She claimed she had been unable to pee for three days, but this had happened before, and she just needed it drawn out of her. So the doctor inserted a catheter, and only got back a few ounces of urine, not enough to corroborate her story. The next morning, as she hadn’t gone all night, he put the catheter in again; he noticed this time that she seemed to be almost convulsing in excitement. He examined her genitals and found them to be red, swollen, and secreting fluids. He told the nurse to keep an eye on this girl, and indeed, the nurse told him that the girl was exciting herself under the blankets when she thought no one was watching. He gave her a sedative, and told her that she must empty her bladder without help. The girl resisted this instruction for thirty-six hours, but when she had been assured, once again, that no one would be putting a cath in, she finally went. The doctor learned soon after that a doctor-friend of his was treating this patient for her problem, and had advised her to get married.
Marriage is the only cure for nymphomania. Except, of course, for the other cure, which involves excising the clitoris, as previously shown by Dr. Brown, who, apparently, caught flak from his colleagues for using this “treatment” a bit too freely.
Satyriasis is nymphomania in the male. It is rarer than nymphomania, for men can go to a prostitute and relieve their sexual sufferings, while women cannot. If he understands this, why the hell does he impugn women for it? Satyriasis is more likely to occur when men are older, and is the consequence of masturbation, too much sex, brain lesions, or poisonous doses of cantharides (Spanish fly). He relates a story told to him by someone else, of a married man who visits houses of ill repute; he selects two or three of the heaviest girls in the house and then divests himself of all clothing above the waist. He then lies down on the floor and instructs the girls to walk over his chest, neck and face, stopping at points to grind their heels into his flesh. He then purchases wine for them, but does not drink any himself. He sometimes makes one of the girls stand on his chest, balancing on one bootheel, and has the other girl spin her around and around until the heel leaves a wound in his flesh. Hmm, sounds more like a masochist than a nympho to me, but hey, I’m not a doctor!
They also confused homosexuality with satyriasis also. He relates the case of a young man who began to introduce things into his anus at a young age, and then was given over to “pederasty,” taking the passive role while the other man took the active. He then found another young man to whom he could pledge his fidelity to, and they acted like a husband and wife and lived together. The doctor finds this all quite disgusting, of course.
How does one cure satyriasis? If it is caused by brain lesions, it is incurable. Other forms might be corrected by cold baths, sedatives, or applications of ice to the scrotum (hopefully wrapped in a towel).
Asperatism is another disease caused by solitary vice. It is when a man is unable to have an orgasm. It is not permanent, but it can lead to sterility. The doctor says the best cure for this disorder is to abstain from intercourse, while applying a Faradic current daily. Perhaps this is what Peter Gabriel meant when he sang “shock the monkey.”