Chapter VII – Diseases of the Genitals that Arise from Masturbation and Sexual Excess. One of these diseases is variocele. This is when the veins in the testicles get twisted up somehow. This disorder persists into our modern world and I don’t see what the actual cause is; it just appears to happen in a certain percent of the population, some of whom never have any issues with it. Of course, Dr. Howe knows what it is – masturbation, for the men who present with this have many nocturnal emissions in a week. However, he then brings up the case of a medical student of his acquaintance who had this issue, and he certainly was not the type to give himself up to this vice. So he made him the equivalent of a jockstrap and it worked. Dr. H then proceeds to judge everyone else; the blood vessels become continually dilated from constantly masturbating, and it’s no wonder that eventually it shows!
The first thing to do to treat this is to make the patient stop masturbating; only then can the healing begin. One of the biggest symptoms is constipation, so that should be remedied with BELLADONNA. If that’s too severe, cold water injections should help (I’m assuming he’s politely referring to enemas). Also, be sure to briskly rub the abdomen, as that promotes healthy action of the bowels. Uh oh, sometimes that’s a good, comforting feeling – is that solitary vice, too, doc?
Then he starts to make some sense, with the suspension bandage to elevate the scrotum, and at night to put a cool compress on it to alleviate chafing. Let’s get back to the loony.
Chapter VI – Diseases which result from Excess and Masturbation. The evils of chronic masturbators shall be visited upon their children. Why? Masturbating affects your sperm, making it weaker and therefore giving rise to a weaker generation. The child’s vitality is impaired before it leaves the womb. This is the cause of rickets, for the doctor has never seen a child with that affliction who did not have a parent who had been/is a chronic masturbator. Other signs of children weakened by the solitary vice of their parents: bad digestion, peevish children who worry lots, and are generally thin, puny, and weak.
Many tubercular children are that way because of the secret sins of their father. He does not include the mother in this, as her role in this is not as easy to detect, and you can’t ask a woman if she plays with herself. The only way to tell is if you can examine her secret parts without arousing her suspicions. The doctor knows for a fact, however, that tuberculosis in children is caused by their parents masturbating, and in teenagers and adults, it is caused by their own masturbatory habits. You know, doctor, you seem to know an awful lot about masturbation! Methinks you sit in your office and pull your pud after work. Of course, tuberculosis has as its main cause a really bad cold that develops into much worse, and that cold was probably caused by poor nutrition, which causes exhaustion and therefore makes one liable to catch cold. However, how would one get that exhausted? SOLITARY VICE!
He disagrees with those who say that excessive sexual enjoyments follow tuberculosis diagnosis. Dr. H says that they were there prior to the disease, and were its root cause. He then relates a sad story of a patient who was diagnosed with TB at thirty, and even though it was a very bad case, she did not stop indulging herself in sexual pleasures. Even a day or two before her death, when she was unable to speak or even move, she importuned her husband to have sex with her one last time. The doctor seems to find this distasteful, but seriously, folks, if you knew you were going to die, and soon, wouldn’t you want to enjoy yourself for the short time you had? I hate this prudish bastard.