Category Archives: romance novel

Breaking Dawn, or, suspend even MORE of your disbelief!

It’s been a while, readers, I know. I avoided this book for a long time, but then I realized what an utter DISSERVICE I’ve been doing you by not telling you how this drivel ends!

Are ya strapped in? Because this shit is, as the kids say, wack.

The first part is told in Bella’s point of view, as before. She is a whiny git, like always. She’s getting married to Edward, and she doesn’t want the fuss and she doesn’t want a fancy armored car (even though, as you recall, she’s accident-prone. Edward isn’t taking any chances of her untimely death). Her parents don’t seem to throw too much of a fight at her wedding extremely young, even though Bella’s dad said that her mom would probably be pissed. Jacob shows up last-minute at the reception and dances with her in the backyard, and then he gets upset, because he knows what’s coming. And then Jacob takes off into the woods before he can throat-punch Edward . . . with his werewolf mouth.

Anyway, once they’re married, Bella was intent on Edward turning her into a vampire right away, even though he was hesitant. But then, they have sex, and she is an addict. Here’s my first flag – he’s dead, right? He is a vampire, therefore has no blood. How does he get an erection? NOT POSSIBLE. She wakes up the next morning with bruises all over her body. I think you’d have internal bleeding, too. Or at least frostbite!

Edward is concerned that he has hurt her and refuses to do her again, but she eventually wears him down. And then she’s suddenly ravenous all the time, and then exhausted enough to sleep for twelve hours at a clip . . . oh, and keeps having all these weird dreams with a demon child and dead bodies everywhere. Then she starts puking.

It’s only been five days, but she’s pregnant. Second red flag . . . he’s DEAD, right? How does he still have semen? The “workaround” from Meyer is that no one knows for sure because usually male vampires are with female vampires and since their bodies are frozen in time, they wouldn’t be able to accommodate a fetus, therefore, it’s an anomaly. Whatever. That seems TOO easy.

They pack and leave their idyllic isle hideaway to return to Forks. Edward and Carlisle want her to get rid of it, but Bella is having none of it. Even though she never really wanted kids in the first place, she ain’t abortin’ this demon baby. She calls Rosalie and begs for help.

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen. Mountain Greyskull is big and ritzy. Ana cries. The girls go shopping, and the boys go fishing. Ana sees Elliot with Gia, the architect. She deliberates over whether she should tell Kate. You’re SUCH a good friend, Ana.

Elliot tries to get her to ride a trail bike, but The Master would not approve.

And here comes The Master now, for more sickening banter! And then sex! And then a bath.

They all go out, Ana in a very revealing dress. Elliot proposes to Kate, in front of a restaurant full of people. What will she say? I don’t care.

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve. Supposed deep talk about their relationship and his mother. I don’t really give a shit. He’s more concerned with why she used the safeword. Because she didn’t know how far he’d take it. And he wasn’t going to let her come, anyway. He’s glad she stopped him because he “got carried away.” Not an excuse. They doze off, and Grey has a nightmare, which leads to sex. But it’s not any good for her. Oh, wait, he makes it right again. And again. And then they go to bed.

Christian plays the piano in the early morning again, a piece called “Suffocation.” Apparently, his nightmare was about Ana being dead. Not shown – that he choked her to death. She ruminates on how to fix things between them.

Grey takes her to Aspen by jet, inviting Kate and Elliot, and Mia and Ethan. Surprisingly, he doesn’t fuck her in the bedroom. Kate fires a bunch of questions at Grey about Jack. this irritates Grey, of course. Ana’s questions also irritate him. But then he and his brother trade jibes and all appears to be well again. Except . . .

There’s something on the wing. Some . . . thing. Oh, not to worry! It’s just Foreshadowing.

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven. Grey’s jeans hang from his hips. Wow, that’s hot. Men usually wear jeans hanging from their noses or ankles. He’s distracting her with his body. Yawn, this game again? He’s overreacting, she went back on her word, blah blah blah. Grey doesn’t know what to do with all these . . . FEELS. He wants to hurt her, but yet, he doesn’t. Ana doesn’t believe that he would. I do! People that sadistic wouldn’t magically change, seemingly overnight. I’m also very tired of her “oh, my Fifty” exclamations to herself.

Grey won’t tell her about Jack. He distracts her with promises of sex, and then food. Which turns into more erotic bullshit. Lamb, and hummus with pita, and dolmas. Heavy food, right? Yeah, and immediately after he takes her to the playroom? NO, I don’t think so. That’s a Vomit Comet waiting to happen. He puts her on the St. Andrews cross and punishes her by bringing her to the brink multiple times and then not letting her have release. And she feels tortured, and starts crying and uses the safeword.

Grey feels sorry and Ana reminds him that she’s not his submissive, so she shouldn’t be treated like one. And she never promised to obey, either. So they’re okay again, I guess. Ana talked to Grey’s mom about Elena (Mrs. Robinson), apparently. Ana manages to eke info about Jack out of Grey. He had stuff in a van in the parking garage, obviously for sordid purposes. Like kidnapping. Grey and his investigative team think Detroit is the connection; that’s where Grey was born. Ana doesn’t know this kind of simple shit about her husband? I bet she could average the length of his peen, though!

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten. Jack had a gun with a silencer and duct tape in his pocket. They handcuff him with cable ties, Ana’s idea. Ana is oh-so-tired and what a mess this all is! But maybe he won’t be so mad that she was out of the apartment now!

When she wakes, Christian is back and still very, very angry. “I want to punish you . . . really beat the shit out of you.” But that’s totally not abusive at all, at all. She tries to play his game, that is, use sex as a distraction. It’s not effective! Ana doesn’t realize that Jack intended on kidnapping her. She’s not allowed in Grey’s study. But then he’s surprised she’s still going to work.

They email each other about police statements and then Ana wants to know what time Grey flew back, whether it was because of Jack or because of her going for drinks. She sends a bitchy email that basically reads, “You never tell me anything. I’m your wife; don’t you trust me? OMG!!!111″ He replies that they’ll discuss it later.

She arrives home and he’s in his playroom jeans. I inwardly groan, because I think more “punishment” is afoot.

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine. The gun Ana found was Leila’s (Casperella). Grey doesn’t know anything about guns, and doesn’t want to learn. Casperella is doing better; Ana is irrationally jealous when her name is mentioned. At work, they banter over email. It’s nauseating.

Grey goes to New York on business. Co-Dependent Ana misses him sooo much. Don’t worry, that’s what email is for! And annoying telephone banter. Grey doesn’t want her to go out with Kate, and makes her promise to stay in. Of course, Kate talks her into one cocktail at the bar. Kate tells Ana that all of the Greys have additional security. Ana has a second drink. Foreshadowing sits in the corner, playing a game on a mobile phone while nursing a beer. Kate and Ana gossip. Ana has four drinks. When they drop Kate off, Dirpy Ana finally checks her phone. Grey has called her five times, and sent her an email. He is beyond angry.

When security detail drives her back to Castle Greyskull, they find it trashed and Jack, Ana’s old sleazy boss, is inside. Maybe that’s how Grey wanted you gone? Now THAT would be an ending!

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FIfty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Eight.

Chapter Eight. The Greys play coy married-couple bullshit as the architect looks on, and then flirts with Christian. Grey defers to Ana as in charge of the remodel, and then he’s called away – how convenient. Ana becomes Ultra-Bitch and tells the architect to lay off her husband, or she’s fired. Grey realizes that Ana said something to the woman when she leaves, as she’s much stiffer than upon arrival. Ana obviously could benefit from a shrink herself, methinks. She admits that she’s just soo confused; OMG, it’s so hard being me, with all this MONEY, and a RICH HUSBAND, and my own publishing house, that I could just cry!!

 

Grey asks her to cut his hair, and they are too-cute and extremely annoying as she washes it. And that’s as far as they get, because everything is erotic to these two. Somehow, he ties her wrists together with her underwear. Um, yeah, that doesn’t sound really plausible . . . He messes with her breasts a whole bunch, like he used to do. And the sex goes on, and on, and on. “After all our arguing today, my frustration with him, his with me – we still have this. We will always have this.” You mean, that’s all you have, really. Because that’s all you ever do. And eventually, your boobs will sag, and you will gain weight and go grey, and he will find someone new to bang, because all you have is the sexual attraction to go on.

 

Now, apparently, she’ll cut his hair. On her way to get scissors, she sees Taylor and Mrs. Jones kiss, and then Ana discovers Christian’s gun, and by that, I mean an actual revolver. She cuts his hair and then she tells him she doesn’t want to run a company. They argue. I roll my eyes. She asks if she could ever tie him up, but he’s still very unsure. And then it’s implied that they screw. Again.

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