Category Archives: romance novel

Breaking Dawn, or, suspend even MORE of your disbelief!

It’s been a while, readers, I know. I avoided this book for a long time, but then I realized what an utter DISSERVICE I’ve been doing you by not telling you how this drivel ends!

Are ya strapped in? Because this shit is, as the kids say, wack.

The first part is told in Bella’s point of view, as before. She is a whiny git, like always. She’s getting married to Edward, and she doesn’t want the fuss and she doesn’t want a fancy armored car (even though, as you recall, she’s accident-prone. Edward isn’t taking any chances of her untimely death). Her parents don’t seem to throw too much of a fight at her wedding extremely young, even though Bella’s dad said that her mom would probably be pissed. Jacob shows up last-minute at the reception and dances with her in the backyard, and then he gets upset, because he knows what’s coming. And then Jacob takes off into the woods before he can throat-punch Edward . . . with his werewolf mouth.

Anyway, once they’re married, Bella was intent on Edward turning her into a vampire right away, even though he was hesitant. But then, they have sex, and she is an addict. Here’s my first flag – he’s dead, right? He is a vampire, therefore has no blood. How does he get an erection? NOT POSSIBLE. She wakes up the next morning with bruises all over her body. I think you’d have internal bleeding, too. Or at least frostbite!

Edward is concerned that he has hurt her and refuses to do her again, but she eventually wears him down. And then she’s suddenly ravenous all the time, and then exhausted enough to sleep for twelve hours at a clip . . . oh, and keeps having all these weird dreams with a demon child and dead bodies everywhere. Then she starts puking.

It’s only been five days, but she’s pregnant. Second red flag . . . he’s DEAD, right? How does he still have semen? The “workaround” from Meyer is that no one knows for sure because usually male vampires are with female vampires and since their bodies are frozen in time, they wouldn’t be able to accommodate a fetus, therefore, it’s an anomaly. Whatever. That seems TOO easy.

They pack and leave their idyllic isle hideaway to return to Forks. Edward and Carlisle want her to get rid of it, but Bella is having none of it. Even though she never really wanted kids in the first place, she ain’t abortin’ this demon baby. She calls Rosalie and begs for help.

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen. Mountain Greyskull is big and ritzy. Ana cries. The girls go shopping, and the boys go fishing. Ana sees Elliot with Gia, the architect. She deliberates over whether she should tell Kate. You’re SUCH a good friend, Ana.

Elliot tries to get her to ride a trail bike, but The Master would not approve.

And here comes The Master now, for more sickening banter! And then sex! And then a bath.

They all go out, Ana in a very revealing dress. Elliot proposes to Kate, in front of a restaurant full of people. What will she say? I don’t care.

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve. Supposed deep talk about their relationship and his mother. I don’t really give a shit. He’s more concerned with why she used the safeword. Because she didn’t know how far he’d take it. And he wasn’t going to let her come, anyway. He’s glad she stopped him because he “got carried away.” Not an excuse. They doze off, and Grey has a nightmare, which leads to sex. But it’s not any good for her. Oh, wait, he makes it right again. And again. And then they go to bed.

Christian plays the piano in the early morning again, a piece called “Suffocation.” Apparently, his nightmare was about Ana being dead. Not shown – that he choked her to death. She ruminates on how to fix things between them.

Grey takes her to Aspen by jet, inviting Kate and Elliot, and Mia and Ethan. Surprisingly, he doesn’t fuck her in the bedroom. Kate fires a bunch of questions at Grey about Jack. this irritates Grey, of course. Ana’s questions also irritate him. But then he and his brother trade jibes and all appears to be well again. Except . . .

There’s something on the wing. Some . . . thing. Oh, not to worry! It’s just Foreshadowing.

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven. Grey’s jeans hang from his hips. Wow, that’s hot. Men usually wear jeans hanging from their noses or ankles. He’s distracting her with his body. Yawn, this game again? He’s overreacting, she went back on her word, blah blah blah. Grey doesn’t know what to do with all these . . . FEELS. He wants to hurt her, but yet, he doesn’t. Ana doesn’t believe that he would. I do! People that sadistic wouldn’t magically change, seemingly overnight. I’m also very tired of her “oh, my Fifty” exclamations to herself.

Grey won’t tell her about Jack. He distracts her with promises of sex, and then food. Which turns into more erotic bullshit. Lamb, and hummus with pita, and dolmas. Heavy food, right? Yeah, and immediately after he takes her to the playroom? NO, I don’t think so. That’s a Vomit Comet waiting to happen. He puts her on the St. Andrews cross and punishes her by bringing her to the brink multiple times and then not letting her have release. And she feels tortured, and starts crying and uses the safeword.

Grey feels sorry and Ana reminds him that she’s not his submissive, so she shouldn’t be treated like one. And she never promised to obey, either. So they’re okay again, I guess. Ana talked to Grey’s mom about Elena (Mrs. Robinson), apparently. Ana manages to eke info about Jack out of Grey. He had stuff in a van in the parking garage, obviously for sordid purposes. Like kidnapping. Grey and his investigative team think Detroit is the connection; that’s where Grey was born. Ana doesn’t know this kind of simple shit about her husband? I bet she could average the length of his peen, though!

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten. Jack had a gun with a silencer and duct tape in his pocket. They handcuff him with cable ties, Ana’s idea. Ana is oh-so-tired and what a mess this all is! But maybe he won’t be so mad that she was out of the apartment now!

When she wakes, Christian is back and still very, very angry. “I want to punish you . . . really beat the shit out of you.” But that’s totally not abusive at all, at all. She tries to play his game, that is, use sex as a distraction. It’s not effective! Ana doesn’t realize that Jack intended on kidnapping her. She’s not allowed in Grey’s study. But then he’s surprised she’s still going to work.

They email each other about police statements and then Ana wants to know what time Grey flew back, whether it was because of Jack or because of her going for drinks. She sends a bitchy email that basically reads, “You never tell me anything. I’m your wife; don’t you trust me? OMG!!!111″ He replies that they’ll discuss it later.

She arrives home and he’s in his playroom jeans. I inwardly groan, because I think more “punishment” is afoot.

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine. The gun Ana found was Leila’s (Casperella). Grey doesn’t know anything about guns, and doesn’t want to learn. Casperella is doing better; Ana is irrationally jealous when her name is mentioned. At work, they banter over email. It’s nauseating.

Grey goes to New York on business. Co-Dependent Ana misses him sooo much. Don’t worry, that’s what email is for! And annoying telephone banter. Grey doesn’t want her to go out with Kate, and makes her promise to stay in. Of course, Kate talks her into one cocktail at the bar. Kate tells Ana that all of the Greys have additional security. Ana has a second drink. Foreshadowing sits in the corner, playing a game on a mobile phone while nursing a beer. Kate and Ana gossip. Ana has four drinks. When they drop Kate off, Dirpy Ana finally checks her phone. Grey has called her five times, and sent her an email. He is beyond angry.

When security detail drives her back to Castle Greyskull, they find it trashed and Jack, Ana’s old sleazy boss, is inside. Maybe that’s how Grey wanted you gone? Now THAT would be an ending!

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FIfty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Eight.

Chapter Eight. The Greys play coy married-couple bullshit as the architect looks on, and then flirts with Christian. Grey defers to Ana as in charge of the remodel, and then he’s called away – how convenient. Ana becomes Ultra-Bitch and tells the architect to lay off her husband, or she’s fired. Grey realizes that Ana said something to the woman when she leaves, as she’s much stiffer than upon arrival. Ana obviously could benefit from a shrink herself, methinks. She admits that she’s just soo confused; OMG, it’s so hard being me, with all this MONEY, and a RICH HUSBAND, and my own publishing house, that I could just cry!!


Grey asks her to cut his hair, and they are too-cute and extremely annoying as she washes it. And that’s as far as they get, because everything is erotic to these two. Somehow, he ties her wrists together with her underwear. Um, yeah, that doesn’t sound really plausible . . . He messes with her breasts a whole bunch, like he used to do. And the sex goes on, and on, and on. “After all our arguing today, my frustration with him, his with me – we still have this. We will always have this.” You mean, that’s all you have, really. Because that’s all you ever do. And eventually, your boobs will sag, and you will gain weight and go grey, and he will find someone new to bang, because all you have is the sexual attraction to go on.


Now, apparently, she’ll cut his hair. On her way to get scissors, she sees Taylor and Mrs. Jones kiss, and then Ana discovers Christian’s gun, and by that, I mean an actual revolver. She cuts his hair and then she tells him she doesn’t want to run a company. They argue. I roll my eyes. She asks if she could ever tie him up, but he’s still very unsure. And then it’s implied that they screw. Again.

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Seven.

Chapter Seven. Grey makes plans to have Jack tracked. Dumb banter. Ana goes to make food and encounters Mrs. Jones, who dutifully leaves. Grey says something about her being barefoot in the kitchen, and she brings up the “p-word” (not penis), which freezes him up. He doesn’t want kids right now. Foreshadowing comes in through the window, does a princess wave, and clambers down the fire escape.

They eat, discuss plans for the new Castle Greyskull, and then Ana wants to make out in front of the TV. Which Christian has never done. Because he never had a normal sex life, you see. Grey asks her about her experience with it, which leads to them fooling around. Yeah, “no sex,” my ass.

At work the next day, Grey discovers Ana hasn’t changed her name there. So, he comes to visit her at the office, because that’s totally not creepy and possessive. They argue over her staying “Steele” at work. He wants everyone to know that she’s his – and that’s the problem. Obviously, she only got the job because of whom she’s married to. Ana says she needs to work, or she’ll “suffocate.” Ana doesn’t realize until now that Grey was the one who put her in charge; really, how stupid are you? Did you really think a little upstart like you got the job on her own merits, ahead of other, more deserving people?

Anyway, he plans to rename the company Grey Publishing, and give her the running of it. As a wedding present. This book isn’t even trying anymore. Especially when he gives her a few smoldering looks and she says she’ll change her name. And then they converse over email. It makes her angry, and she reacts in a childish manner. They both need to grow the fuck up, seriously.

Grey doesn’t understand why she’s angry, as he thought they sorted everything out earlier. She’s angry at everything, apparently. Foreshadowing is sitting at the kitchen island with a beer and a cigarette. Ana argues that she’s not an asset or a child. I beg to differ on the last one. Anyway, it’s all dumb bullshit that we don’t care about, right?

Ana finally realizes that sex is Grey’s coping mechanism. Um, hello? You’re just figuring it out now? Ana tarts herself up some more because the female architect is coming over, and she’s jealous. Then she dances with Grey and nearly cries. Foreshadowing sits on the couch and reads a magazine.

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Six

Chapter Six. Ana requests something rough, but now she seems embarrassed by it. NOW, seriously? These characters vacillate too much. Then she tells him to “surprise” her, so they head for the playroom. I’m so sick of Grey tugging on her braided hair. That is not pleasant.

Oh, apparently, this is the butt-plug scene. “Oh, jeez,” as she says whilst doing it with the implement between them. Whatever. Then they indulge in stupid banter. Ana sees a bowl containing the plug, a tube of lube, the blindfold, and her underwear, and it makes her think to ask who cleans the toys. He does it himself, or has Mrs. Jones [the housekeeper] do it. Does he just hand her the bowl, or what? Does she have special elbow-length rubber gloves just for sex-toy-washing? Is there hazard pay involved? Apparently, when he had subs, they used to do it.

They take a bath, and Grey tells her that she doesn’t have to go back to work. Because she’s rich now, you see, and isn’t like the rest of us who have to toil for a living. Ana doesn’t want to argue about it again.

Ana gets her clothes from the playroom and takes the butt-plug as well. She runs into Mrs. Jones on her way out, and Ana blushes when she offers to take the pile from Ana’s arms. She scurries into the library to work. Conveniently, she’s now the editor at the publishing company, not just a temporary replacement. How nice. Fucking the head honcho does have its advantages. She’s not going to change her name at work, but hasn’t told Grey yet.

Ana uploads the honeymoon pictures and sees some that Grey took while she was asleep, sucking on her thumb. Aren’t you twenty-two? Might want to seek some therapy. Anyway, the pictures of Grey overwhelm her and she has to go, right this minute, to make sure he’s okay.

Grey is looking at the security camera footage from the server room fire, and Ana recognizes the man as her old skeezy boss, Jack. Holy crap and jeez!

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Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Five

Chapter Five. Ana is worried and has bad dreams. Then Grey lets her drive the jet ski, and suddenly, she’s fine again. Dumbass Ana goes too close to the airport, gets startled by a jet and gets thrown off the jet ski. This is so idiotic and pointless and adds nothing to the story, especially as no one was hurt (although I was hoping).

They arrive back at Castle Greyskull – ahem, I mean, their home in Seattle – and have sex. When she awakes, she goes on and on, again, about how gorgeously sexy he is. Like we haven’t grasped that already. And that’s the only thing she can rave about, because that’s the only connection they have. And it will be weird not seeing him, like, every minute of the day and junk. And who would want to harm him? And why is he so tight-lipped? He wakes up and she says she can’t sleep, and it is inferred that they bone. Aren’t you people chapped or something by this point?

They go to the Grey family estate for a luncheon. Ana is a moody asshole, full of highs and lows. Grey banters with her about spanking her in the boathouse; this, surprisingly, is not a euphemism. Then Christian starts singing as he plays the piano – which, apparently, he’s never done. And then he lets her drive his car, but doesn’t seem too happy about it. In addition, they’re being followed. Oh noes! This is supposed to be suspenseful, but it’s really not. Ana speeds over highways and through intersections to evade the car with tinted windows. They pull the car into a parking lot to hide, and Ana starts crying from all the excitement, and Grey pulls her into his lap from the driver’s seat to comfort her. Which leads to them doing it in the car.

When they’re done, Grey gets back in touch with security and finds that the driver of the car is apparently female. Grey drives them back home, and they banter about fucking ON the car. Thankfully, the security detail returns at that moment, sparing us. Oh, wait, it’s some new guy, Noah Logan. A new neighbor with a ridiculous name. Grey is jealous and possessive – how dare you be polite to the new neighbor, Ana! Ridic Neighbor leaves, and Ana rolls her eyes at Grey, which leads to her request to be punished. I wish their sex organs would fall off now.

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