The “Truth” About Stacey, Part Three

Chapter 11. The sandwiches return -I mean, the boards. Stacey will be missing out on this, however, as that is the weekend she meets New Doctor.

Stacey watches Jamie, who is mopey. She thinks it’s because his baby sister is getting all the attention, but it’s really because his new baby-sitters watch TV, talk on the phone, and burn the couch with cigarettes rather than, you know, watch the kid. Stacey is appalled and tells him to tell his mother all about it. Seriously, how does the mother not know about the cigarettes, if they’re smoking on the couch? You can smell it, especially in a non-smoking house. Sometimes these characters are so obtuse.

Stacey gets home to find that Charlotte has been asking for her. Stacey is pleased because she wants to ask Dr. Johansson to recommend a sensible doctor for Stacey to use in combating her parents’ craziness.

Charlotte is very quiet, which concerns her mother. She knows it’s school-related, which is true. Her new baby-sitters are sucky and don’t want to play with her. Charlotte thought that her baby-sitters were her friends, but one of the little bitches at school burst her bubble. Stacey convinces her that, for her at least, it’s not about the money, it’s the kids. And Dr. Johansson has a doctor for Stacey, so overall, she’s doing well, I guess.
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The “Truth” About Stacey, Part Two

Chapter 6. War begins, I guess? The BSC discover that the other agency is actively recruiting soldiers – I mean, sitters at school. A triple-emergency meeting is held at Kristy’s house, where it’s decided that they need to “recruit” some older members for the club.

Chapter 7. Stacey is mad. The new club is hurting her and her friends – how dare those bee-otches! But she’s also mad at parents. They promised to take her to New York at Thanksgiving, then they didn’t – at first, it was because her mom thought it would be nice to stay home… but in truth, it’s because they’re taking Stacey for those tests – and now, it’s for five days, instead of three!

I have to say, I do feel for Stacey a bit here. This doctor they want her to see is holistic and blah, blah – the kid is diabetic, so more than likely she just needs insulin. Get over it. It’s not the end of the world. Anyway, she finds the whole situation grossly unfair, but her parents basically “Nyah Nyah we’re the parents, that’s why” her.

Stacey babysits for Charlotte, and talks to the child’s mother, who is a doctor. Dr. Johansen tells Stacey that this Dr. Barnes is pretty much an expensive quack. She promises to find a way to help.
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The “Truth” About Stacey, Part One

Chapter 1. The first book from Stacey’s POV, naturally. We open with the girls discussing a plan for when Mrs. Newton goes to the hospital to have her baby. (This is Jamie’s mother, the kid who says, ”Hi-hi “all the time). Stacey reintroduces us to the club and how they operate. She also informs us that Stoneybrook is a” teeny-weeny” town with not much to do, especially compared to New York City, where she grew up. But the BSC gave her some ready-made friends, especially Claudia, but she likes the others, too.

Kristy’s idea is to have one of them keep an afternoon free until the birth, but the others think that’s a waste. Stacey pipes up that a lot of babies are born at night, which leads to them all sharing their time of birth. Except Mary Anne. Because her mom is dead – the instant mood-killer. Mimi, Claudia’s grandmother, saves the day by remembering that the Spiers left to have Mary Anne around dinnertime. Suddenly, Janine, Claudia’s annoyingly brilliant sister, comes charging up with a paper, advertising some competition.

Kristy turns their regular meeting into an emergency meeting, which means it must be Serious Business. Also serious is Claudia passing around Life Savers from her stash and being so preoccupied that she offers them to Stacey, who, if you’ll recall has diabeetus. Mary Anne wants to know who these girls are. According to Claudia, they’re eighth graders, and are sassy to their teachers. Kristy is more interested in their business model, as the flyer advertises “a whole network of babysitters.” Time for Mary Anne’s Great Idea – calling the agency to ask for a sitter, to see how it all works. Here, have a gold star!

Chapter 2. Kristy calls the new agency and gives her name as Candy Kane, asking for a sitter for her brother, Harry, because she has a date. She gives Claudia’s number, but tells the girl she’ll only be available for a few minutes, because she has a date… with Winston Churchill. Oh, all right. Heh. This makes all the girls giggle madly, making it hard for Kristy to play it cool.

Kristy informs them that the agency just helps people find sitters, not do any of the sitting themselves. The girl phones back with three choices, two thirteen year olds and a fifteen year old – one of them is male. This all discomfits Kristy, because they can’t offer anyone older or any boys. Everyone leaves glumly. Even Kristy, which makes Stacey upset, because, after all, it was Kristy’s Great Idea – and she’ll never have another.

Stacey finishes the chapter by telling us about her move to Stoneybrook. Basically she got the diabeetus and before she was diagnosed, wet the bed during a sleepover at her friend Laine’s house. She explains what the disease does to your body and how to control it. Anyway, her parents became helicopter-y and were constantly checking up on her, as well as shuffling her to different doctors for some sort of cure-all. In the process, she started to lose friends, especially since her parents were keeping her illness a secret. It’s not a Sexually Transmitted Infection, people! Finally, her folks decided to move to Stoneybrook. Her dad said it was because he wanted a job transfer, but Stacey knows that a lot of it was due to her being unhappy. But that’s fine.
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Breaking Dawn, or, suspend even MORE of your disbelief!

It’s been a while, readers, I know. I avoided this book for a long time, but then I realized what an utter DISSERVICE I’ve been doing you by not telling you how this drivel ends!

Are ya strapped in? Because this shit is, as the kids say, wack.

The first part is told in Bella’s point of view, as before. She is a whiny git, like always. She’s getting married to Edward, and she doesn’t want the fuss and she doesn’t want a fancy armored car (even though, as you recall, she’s accident-prone. Edward isn’t taking any chances of her untimely death). Her parents don’t seem to throw too much of a fight at her wedding extremely young, even though Bella’s dad said that her mom would probably be pissed. Jacob shows up last-minute at the reception and dances with her in the backyard, and then he gets upset, because he knows what’s coming. And then Jacob takes off into the woods before he can throat-punch Edward . . . with his werewolf mouth.

Anyway, once they’re married, Bella was intent on Edward turning her into a vampire right away, even though he was hesitant. But then, they have sex, and she is an addict. Here’s my first flag – he’s dead, right? He is a vampire, therefore has no blood. How does he get an erection? NOT POSSIBLE. She wakes up the next morning with bruises all over her body. I think you’d have internal bleeding, too. Or at least frostbite!

Edward is concerned that he has hurt her and refuses to do her again, but she eventually wears him down. And then she’s suddenly ravenous all the time, and then exhausted enough to sleep for twelve hours at a clip . . . oh, and keeps having all these weird dreams with a demon child and dead bodies everywhere. Then she starts puking.

It’s only been five days, but she’s pregnant. Second red flag . . . he’s DEAD, right? How does he still have semen? The “workaround” from Meyer is that no one knows for sure because usually male vampires are with female vampires and since their bodies are frozen in time, they wouldn’t be able to accommodate a fetus, therefore, it’s an anomaly. Whatever. That seems TOO easy.

They pack and leave their idyllic isle hideaway to return to Forks. Edward and Carlisle want her to get rid of it, but Bella is having none of it. Even though she never really wanted kids in the first place, she ain’t abortin’ this demon baby. She calls Rosalie and begs for help.

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Claudia and the Erotic Phone Calls, Part Three

Chapter 11. Mimi drills Claudia on her multiplication tables. Shouldn’t you have learned this in, I don’t know, third grade? She’s saved by the doorbell. Her neighbors have been robbed, presumably by the Phantom Caller.

Or maybe it’s a copycat, because it’s not a ritzy neighborhood. So say the police. Because the thief certainly wouldn’t be trying to throw anyone off the track.

Anyway, Kristy told MaryAnne, who told her father, and now, she’s forbidden to babysit until the Phantom is caught.

Claudia gets a brilliant idea to get Trevor to notice her – which backfires and ends with a lap full of Jell-o. Aww. Now that’s sad.

MaryAnne feels bad about being a burden. They switch her jobs around. Then MA says that she should quit the club. Blah-blah-blah, woe is me. The others decide to keep her on as secretary. All this false drama, when will it end?

Chapter 12. The obnoxious Feldman kids are back, but this time Claudia has Kristy to help her. Claudia, last time, had the good sense to ignore them. What does Kristy do? Whistle like a soccer coach and threaten the kids with PUNCHES. Wow, babysitter of the year here, folks.

They get three calls, then there’s banging outside, so Claudia calls the police.

Chapter 13. The operator takes Claudia’s information. The police arrive, and with them is Alan Gray, Kristy’s nemesis. He’s been calling and stalking them because he stole a peek at their record book every day. And why?

Because he wants Kristy to go to the dance with him.

And then the parents come back early. Oh ho, no!

Chapter 14. Claudia can’t believe Kristy agreed to go to the dance with Alan, when she can’t stand him. But now she realizes that her (Kristy’s) mother was right – that boys tease you when they like you. And now Kristy is so confused, because a boy likes her! And she’s going to a dance? All when she was ready to tattoo the name Sappho on her upper thigh . . .

Instead of Claudia being happy for her friend, she’s bummed she isn’t going to the dance. But then she has a nice talk with her sister about her adventure that night.

Claudia wonders who her random caller is. Maybe it’s a boy!

And, of course, it’s Trevor. He’s been stalking her phone to get up the courage to ask her to the dance.

Chapter 15. The girls decide not to go in costume to the dance. Instead, Claudia wears baggy jeans and a bulky sweater. You’re thuggin’ out now? Claudia can’t dance, apparently. But she got a B-plus in math! And then Phantom Caller was finally caught. All’s well that ends well.

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Claudia and the Erotic Phone Calls, Part Two

Chapter 6. Claudia tries to be nice to her sister, but is quickly overcome by Janine’s over-explanation. Then she hears on the radio that the Phantom Caller is in New Jersey, which is like, a whole other country.

But the next night, the Phantom Caller is discovered to still be at large. While Claudia is baby-sitting, she gets a phone call with silence on the other end. And of course, she can’t remember the code. She calls Stacey, who keeps her company by phone, as every little thing is disturbing. Finally, she’s so freaked out by noises – that turn out to be the kids’ parents coming home without house keys. And the phone rings again, with no one on the other line.

Chapter 7. Kristy baby-sits for Watson, her future stepfather. The little girl, Karen, is very serious. Because of “Morbidda Destiny,” the “witch” next door. Karen has more freckles now, so she’s convinced she’s been cursed.

Andrew lets out Boo-Boo, the cat. Which is Not Done, if you’ll recall. But Kristy goes on with the night, eschewing Karen’s choice of a book called The Witch Next Door in favor of a Beverly Cleary.

And then the phone rings! But it’s just MaryAnne checking in. Kristy tours the house on a lock check. And then the phone rings again! No answer on the other line! And then again! But this time, it’s Claudia, who tries to assuage Kristy’s fears. Then she asks Kristy if she remembers the code, but Kristy doesn’t. Smooth!

Kristy decides to sack up and read her schoolbook, but her imagination runs rampant instead. Boo-Boo returns, with “Morbidda Destiny” in tow. Apparently, Boo-Boo was eating a mouse on her porch, and she hands Kristy the remains in a paper sack. Classy. But it’s okay, Kristy theorizes, because if Mrs. Porter were really a witch, she would never have given away her spell ingredients. Excellent deduction, but what if it’s a fake-out?

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The Babysitters Club – Claudia and the Erotic Phone Calls, Part One

As you may have gathered from the title, this one is narrated by Claudia. Let’s see what ridiculous shenanigans THIS time!

Chapter 1. It’s a dark and stormy night, to borrow from Edward Bulwer-Lytton. Claudia wants to read Nancy Drew and eat candy, or paint and moon about boys. But, no, homework comes first. Sigh! It’s so tough, innit? It must be done, though, or she can’t stay in the BSC, of which she recaps the origins, as well as the fact that she hasn’t done any homework since the start of the school year. How did that go on this long without your parents being notified sooner?

School is boring, Claudia bitches. Who cares how to solve for x? I just want to read mysteries! And my sister, Janine, is a “real and true genius,” which is different from a fake and false one, believe me. Supposedly, Claudia’s IQ is also above average, but she doesn’t want to concentrate and buckle down, so her spelling sucks. Right, like that’s your only problem, especially when she uses the non-word “trigonomulus” a few paragraphs later.

On this night, it’s Claudia’s grandmother’s turn to help her with homework. Mimi has a “rolling accent that reminds [Claudia] of a ship at sea.” She’s Japanese, and polite. That’s about all we get.

Claudia talks with Mimi about Nancy Drew mysteries and Halloween. Claudia is already prepared for the latter: purple knee-high pants with suspenders, tights with a clock print, purple plaid shirt and hat (wasn’t she wearing purple plaid in the last book, too?), high-tops, and lobster earrings. The hallmarks of a crazy person, even in 1980s Stoneybrook.

Claudia wants to work on her portrait project, so Mimi sits for her. This devolves into a conversation about sisters and getting along, and Mimi advising her that these things involve patience and time.

Later, Claudia is settling in with Nancy Drew, but her thoughts quickly drift away to Trevor Sandbourne. He’s dreamy!

Stacey calls, and lots of sighing occurs – about boys, about no sitting jobs, about Stacey not knowing enough people. Claudia promises a get-together with the others, and goes back to her book.

Chapter 2. The girls are at Kristy’s and very bored. Kristy suggests looking at old toys, but that’s childish. Claudia tells us that both Kristy and MaryAnne look and act younger than twelve, and are totally not sophisticated like her and Stacey. MaryAnne suggests cookies, but Stacey has the diabeetus, so that’s out. The player is broken, so they can’t rent a movie.

Claudia tells them about the guy she’s been mooning over, and apparently, Kristy has a class with him – and Alan Gray, who is gross. Kristy was the only one to beat him at his own game – by packing an irresistible lunch for him to steal, only to find in covered in dead and disgusting things. Ha, ha.

MaryAnne goes back to her newspaper and is freaked out by the “Phantom Caller.” He calls people and then robs them. And he’s moving closer to Stoneybrook. Suddenly, Claudia remembers that at her last sitting job, she got two phone calls, and each time, they hung up without saying a word.

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