Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Six

Chapter Six. Ana requests something rough, but now she seems embarrassed by it. NOW, seriously? These characters vacillate too much. Then she tells him to “surprise” her, so they head for the playroom. I’m so sick of Grey tugging on her braided hair. That is not pleasant.

Oh, apparently, this is the butt-plug scene. “Oh, jeez,” as she says whilst doing it with the implement between them. Whatever. Then they indulge in stupid banter. Ana sees a bowl containing the plug, a tube of lube, the blindfold, and her underwear, and it makes her think to ask who cleans the toys. He does it himself, or has Mrs. Jones [the housekeeper] do it. Does he just hand her the bowl, or what? Does she have special elbow-length rubber gloves just for sex-toy-washing? Is there hazard pay involved? Apparently, when he had subs, they used to do it.

They take a bath, and Grey tells her that she doesn’t have to go back to work. Because she’s rich now, you see, and isn’t like the rest of us who have to toil for a living. Ana doesn’t want to argue about it again.

Ana gets her clothes from the playroom and takes the butt-plug as well. She runs into Mrs. Jones on her way out, and Ana blushes when she offers to take the pile from Ana’s arms. She scurries into the library to work. Conveniently, she’s now the editor at the publishing company, not just a temporary replacement. How nice. Fucking the head honcho does have its advantages. She’s not going to change her name at work, but hasn’t told Grey yet.

Ana uploads the honeymoon pictures and sees some that Grey took while she was asleep, sucking on her thumb. Aren’t you twenty-two? Might want to seek some therapy. Anyway, the pictures of Grey overwhelm her and she has to go, right this minute, to make sure he’s okay.

Grey is looking at the security camera footage from the server room fire, and Ana recognizes the man as her old skeezy boss, Jack. Holy crap and jeez!

Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Five

Chapter Five. Ana is worried and has bad dreams. Then Grey lets her drive the jet ski, and suddenly, she’s fine again. Dumbass Ana goes too close to the airport, gets startled by a jet and gets thrown off the jet ski. This is so idiotic and pointless and adds nothing to the story, especially as no one was hurt (although I was hoping).

They arrive back at Castle Greyskull – ahem, I mean, their home in Seattle – and have sex. When she awakes, she goes on and on, again, about how gorgeously sexy he is. Like we haven’t grasped that already. And that’s the only thing she can rave about, because that’s the only connection they have. And it will be weird not seeing him, like, every minute of the day and junk. And who would want to harm him? And why is he so tight-lipped? He wakes up and she says she can’t sleep, and it is inferred that they bone. Aren’t you people chapped or something by this point?

They go to the Grey family estate for a luncheon. Ana is a moody asshole, full of highs and lows. Grey banters with her about spanking her in the boathouse; this, surprisingly, is not a euphemism. Then Christian starts singing as he plays the piano – which, apparently, he’s never done. And then he lets her drive his car, but doesn’t seem too happy about it. In addition, they’re being followed. Oh noes! This is supposed to be suspenseful, but it’s really not. Ana speeds over highways and through intersections to evade the car with tinted windows. They pull the car into a parking lot to hide, and Ana starts crying from all the excitement, and Grey pulls her into his lap from the driver’s seat to comfort her. Which leads to them doing it in the car.

When they’re done, Grey gets back in touch with security and finds that the driver of the car is apparently female. Grey drives them back home, and they banter about fucking ON the car. Thankfully, the security detail returns at that moment, sparing us. Oh, wait, it’s some new guy, Noah Logan. A new neighbor with a ridiculous name. Grey is jealous and possessive – how dare you be polite to the new neighbor, Ana! Ridic Neighbor leaves, and Ana rolls her eyes at Grey, which leads to her request to be punished. I wish their sex organs would fall off now.

Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Four

Chapter Four. Ana wants to go shopping, and takes the jet ski, lying to Taylor about the clearance from Grey. And, because she’s a fucking moron, she just HAS to cruise around the boat and is spotted by Christian. Taylor has an uncomfortable conversation with her about Grey not wanting her on the jet ski. Stupid conversation AND email ensues between the Greys.

Ana shops at a cheaper stores to buy herself an anklet. For she’s not totally comfortable with all of her wealth, you see. She calls José for advice about cameras. She gives Grey a Nikon, thinking he might want to take his own tabloid – I mean, tasteful photos of her. He doesn’t understand why she would want to be objectified. He’s confused, and she babbles, about her wrists, and all the shit that’s been happening, and he sits, mute. So Ana starts taking pictures of him, and Mr. Bipolar begins swinging back. He takes pictures of him pinned beneath him. And then they do it. Of course. And they repeat their wedding vows to each other. Gag. This leads Grey to reveal the fire was arson, which worries him that they’re not safe. Good, die already. I am sick of the banter, and the always-perfect sex, and the constant references to his hot body, his glowing eyes, et cetera.

Ana chats online with Kate. Kate heard about the fire, too. She asks after the “ex-Dom,” which annoys Ana. Well, it’s true, right? Although people never really change all that much . . . And then Ana has a nightmare about losing him, her deepest fear. Why can’t this be foreshadowing?

Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Three

In a throwback to the teenage years Grey never really got to experience, he has given Ana “hickeys” all over her front. Her wrists and ankles have welts from straining against the handcuffs. This makes Ana’s “subconscious,” that is, one of her alternate personalities, get pissy and glare over her half-moon glasses. Sybil, you need a breather. Ana is upset that he deliberately marked her in this way, but not because it is absolutely CRAZY, but because, OMG, now she can’t wear a bikini! She throws her hairbrush at him and stalks off – wow, she means business!

Grey can’t fathom why she’s so upset. He only marked her as property, and to teach her not to cavort around naked in public . . . The “fight” is quickly ended, as it always is in Magical Fuckland, and they resort, once again, to ridiculous banter.

Ana asks why Grey always braids her hair, but it is obviously a painful question, so she backs down. Then she asks why he told her not to pee earlier. “The fuller your bladder, the more intense your orgasm.” This just sounds super-problematic to me, but according to anecdotal evidence, it appears to be true. Hmm, no thanks! When I have to go, I have to go. Then they dance, and then they do a dance of the horizontal kind.

Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter Two

Chapter Two. Grey doesn’t want his entourage seeing her ladybits. I’m sure they’ve already heard more than they wanted to. Or that someone would take tabloid photos. Generally, the Star and its ilk only care about famous people, so I don’t buy this. You had all intentions of boning her in the ocean, so what changed? Shrinkage, obviously. Ana is a meek little shit, so she follows him and begs him not to be mad at her. They go back to the boat by Jet Ski, as she wrote it, and it bugs me that it’s capitalized. He wants to punish her somehow, but they have gin and tonics first, as you do when you’re wealthy and have time to kill.

Grey takes a call, which leads us back to Flashback Mode. They argued over a prenuptial agreement. Grey didn’t want one. Guh? I’m sorry, that just doesn’t fly. Ana doesn’t want the Greys to think that she’s after Christian’s money. Which she isn’t, really – just his peen. She hopes Grey would never leave her and – shut the fuck up, seriously.

Ana’s bikini cost nearly $600, by the way. “Four triangular scraps of material.” Wait, four? Do you have a third boob you’ve neglected to mention? I love how she drains harder liquor, like gin, without a qualm now. I seem to recall her barely drinking and very lightweight at the bar in book one . . .

Grey says he’s going to “make an example” of her (to whom? It’s just them there, right?), and tells her not to pee. Um, what does that have to do with anything? My bladder cries out in protest. In the bedroom, he has two pairs of metal handcuffs and a sleep mask. He cuffs her arms to her legs, then tips her backwards so she’s all bent up. He says, “I’m going to fuck you until you scream.” Yeah, and how is this sexy and not sinister as all get-out? This is her punishment, to be driven crazy because she drives him crazy. Like no one else. She drives him crazy, and he can’t help himself.

He pounds her into submission, literally, and asks her why she defies him. But this is not controlling, he is not dominant, he is nowhere near abusive. “I’m helpless. I’m his, just his, to do with as he wills. Tears spring to my eyes. This is too intense.” Why did he bother to make her choose a safe-word? She apparently could use it, but never does. The issue I see here is, Ana still doesn’t really know what she wants. It’s too late for her, anyway. Her orgasm “rips [her] apart, scorching [her] like a wildfire, consuming everything.” Ashes to ashes, funk to funky, strung out in heaven’s high at an all-time low. She complains, she vacillates, but in the end she says, “I really must misbehave more often.”

Ana, I hate you so fucking much. Especially since you don’t pee for hours after sex and magically don’t get any kind of infection.

In the bathroom, she sees her skin and is horrified. Are you turning into a lizard woman or something?

Fifty Shades Fucking Ridiculous, Chapter One

We’ve come this far, so why not run the whole gamut and be done with it? I’ll try to be as succinct as possible, as I’m sure you’re loathing it just as much (it should be less, though, as I’m doing all the work). Let’s begin.

In case you haven’t seen it, the cover has handcuffs on it. Insert pithy comment about shackles, et cetera. The Prologue, just like Fifty Shades Darker, is from the point of view of Christian Grey as a young child. It’s the same scene, but longer – his mom is dead, but he doesn’t know it; the man comes in and kicks him aside; and so on. As abruptly as he is shaken from his nightmare, the point of view switches to third-person omniscient. That is confusing and generally not-done. Anyway, the fear “tarnishes” his mouth, which is apparently made of precious metal. Ana calms him down and wraps herself around him, “her warmth leeching [sic] into his body;” he was found dead days later, from lack of blood. Grey says they can change the vows to omit obeying. Yeah, right, that’s rich, coming from you! In your case, that would be the only vow.

Fifty Shades Dumber, Chapters Twenty-One & Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-One. She’s sure about this. She just doesn’t want photos taken. Surprisingly, he doesn’t say anything about her snooping, but I’m sure he’ll punish her for it later.

Anyway, so he does some “rude things” to her, and then they do it. And she wuvs him so, so, SO much. And they talk, and banter, and it’s presumed they have sex again. She makes him lunch and again with the stupid emails? Grey calls Ana’s dad to talk about marriage. Ray, along with pretty much everyone else, is wondering if it’s too soon. But he gives his blessing, reluctantly. Grey asks about the pictures. The box is supposed to be in his safe, and they’re insurance against “exposure.” But yeah, he’s not a creep, at all. Leila (Casperella) must have moved them. Grey will destroy them. Better watch him do it! Ana calls her mother, and again, like some of us, wonders if she’s “with child.” Ana’s mom also thinks it’s sudden. Grey doesn’t want her going out in a short dress, but she does anyway. Grey’s put more cash in her bank account. Yeah, ho. When she comes back from the store, they screw in his office chair. They go to Grey’s parents’ house for the party. Kate confronts them with an email from Ana to Grey about the contract. Lessee how you get out of THIS one.

Chapter Twenty-Two. Ana tells her to butt out. Grey wants to know if Kate’s told anyone; she hasn’t. He burns the offending paper in the fireplace. Um, but the email still exists, if not on her account, on the internet, somewhere . . . Ana and Grey tell her they’re engaged, but Kate wants to know where the email fits in. Ana reassures her, and she’s fine again. Wait, what? Um, NO. Kate comes in, guns blazing, with the email, and all it takes is a few words and she’s suddenly okay with all of this mess. Doubt.Ful. Grey is still mad, but stands down, for now.